Heather- Chapter 3

by Tuesday

Published June 29, 2015

In Heather

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Heather looked around. Her sweat stuck to her skin, as she slid down the brick wall while a group of angry adults ran past, carrying signs and yelling curse words. She looked around the scene, her breathing slowing down as she moved her hands down her jeans. Heather waited until the adults left as she heard their voices die down and decided she needed to move before they found her.

She stood up, shaking of the gravel that stuck to her hands and jeans. Heather looked around and groaned. All of this was her fault, from the beginning and now her powers were out of control. Mr. Young had called the head adults of the neighborhood to go against Heather’s powers and she had tried everything to stop but mind tricked one of the protestor, into killing one with a wooden stake.

Heather ran away from the scene while the adults chased her. Now, everyone in the city was carrying guns and swords to kill Heather. All she wanted, was to be the quiet kid in the back with her powers protected by her and no one would have knew her powers. If she could go back in time, she would change everything about this and make it peaceful.

Even her parents wanted her out of the house. They found out she was Cambi, and pushed her out before she could mind trick them into letting her stay, but she on the sidewalk being chased by people.

Heather walked down the alleyway, her feet echoed while her eyes flickered at every movement from the corner of her eye. Even the noises scared her, as she walked down the alleyway to the city. It was then that Mr. Young had found Heather, and was stalking her down the alley way with a metal pole. He grinned evilly, holding the metal pole tightly in his hand while Heather didn’t noticed him behind her.

Heather stopped in her tracks as she heard footsteps behind her. Mr. Young groaned, as he rolled behind a garbage can holding the steel pipe. Heather walked back towards where Mr. Young was hiding while he smirked.

She stopped as she heard people yelling. She gasped, running past where Mr. Young was hiding at as the people trampled over the trash can, stomping on Mr. Young. Soon the ground was red and no one seemed to notice except the metal pole he held.

Heather looked back, her breathing heaving as the people yelled. Soon she came across a dead end with a brick wall towering over her as she banged her fist against it. The people were getting closer as she closed her eyes, using her arms as a shield as the people’s yelling closed in around her. She opened her eyes, seeing that the people were attacking her but were behind a green orb protecting her. She moved around the globe, seeing the people and waved before tilting her head; what power was this? She touch the green globe which shot out a spray of green, making half of the people fall with blue faces and holding their throats.

Heather gasped, looking down at her hand and around her. She was a poisonous threat to everyone in this globe. She fell to the floor, as the people outside were being killed by the green spray being spewed into the air. She watched in horror at the mess she made, their faces blue with the hands on their throat trying to breathe while Heather scooted back against the brick wall.

She wrapped her arms around her legs, leaning her head into her lap and cried. She didn’t enjoy these powers and everything she had loved was gone. Moments were soon nightmares, while her nightmares were becoming the dreams she had. All she wanted was happiness and being quiet about her powers but if anything, her happiness was nothing to the people.

Her powers were closing in on her, ripping her soul apart. Cambi would soon appear random without warning, while her poisonous spots could kill people within a snap of her fingers. She just wanted to be normal.

Suddenly she heard a static noise. She looked up to see Mr. Young, walked over with the bloody metal pipe and holding his stomach. Heather gasped, as Mr. Young broke through the poisonous fog and was over Heather, his eyes full of detestation and hate.

“Do you see what you done, Heather? This is all because of you.”

“It’s not my fault. You started this.”

“I needed to show your true power. You had a wonderful talent but now you just it for evil. If you had only let me help you-“

“You help me? You would have used me against my powers. I am just using my powers for the sake of protecting myself.”

Mr. Young straighten up, holding tighter onto the metal pole.

“You are killing people, Heather.”

“You would have killed people by using me.”

“You’re a monster.”

“I am the monster!?” Heather shirked as the green globe returned, over Mr. Young and her. Her eyes were fired with hate. “You are the monster. You may never understand but you are the person who created this mess. If you had kept my power a secret, none of this would have happened.”

“I wanted to help you.”

“Help me with what? Endangering myself and everyone I loved? You made me do this. You just wanted to use me as a pet for everything you did,” Heather spat. Mr. Young clenched his fist at his side before grabbing Heather’s neck. She clawed at his hand, wrapping tighter around her neck while the green globe grew darker.

“I wanted to help you become more powerful. Now look at you. Weak and powerless, without anyone to help you,” Mr. Young said before raising the metal pole. “If only you had friends that could help you now.”

Mr. Young swung the metal pole but before he could hit her, the green globe enclosed Mr. Young. He stepped back, grabbing at his neck spewing white from the corner of his mouth. He fell to the ground, his face turning red before the green globe disappeared leaving Mr. Young twitching before he stopped twitching.

Heather was laying on the floor, trying to breathe when she felt a cold air enter her lung. She coughed, clawing at the ground before standing, her body shaking and her legs about to give out. She looked over at Mr. Young on the ground and gasped; she just killed another person.

“Oh no, no, no.” Heather moaned out before crying, falling to ground wanting all of this to be a dream.

Comments & reviews · 3
PickledChrissy wrote a review Review · Jul 13, 2015

Chrissy here for a review!

Yes, yes. I'm late, though you should be used to that. I'm always late. Well, I'll run through, though I can already say that this is my favorite chapter so far. But it does move forward really fast. You skipped a lot. We don't really know what going on there.

Heather looked around.


Isn't Heather kinda up on top of the wall, or perched somehow on the side? You are a little vague there. Should go back and clear that up. But, if she is perched on the wall, use something else instead of "around".

The word "around" makes me think of someone standing in the center of the room and turning in a slow circle. Looking around. Also, "looking" is a very common word. You should try to avoid using it a lot. Every once in a while is fine, but try having others mixed in. Maybe instead...

Heather peered down.


Cambi,


What that? Do we find out later? :D

She touch the green globe which shot out a spray of green,


Maybe not touched the green globe. I thought it was all around her. Touching it makes it seem like its something in front of her. Leave touched, but add something else. Or you could replace it with poked if you wanted.

She poked the inside surface of the green globe which shot out a spray of green,


I love how you portray Heather in this. It's a perfect image. You let us see her power, but also her fear. We get every side of her, not just a tiny chunk. I can tell it took a lot of work. Not many people have that gift. Keep at it, girl. I can't wait for the next part!

Keep writing! :D

MaddieNicolette wrote a review Review · Jul 9, 2015

Hi

so first off, i dont know how this review will end up for i have not read your other chapters, i will do my best.

" Her sweat stuck to her skin, as she slid down the brick wall while a group of angry adults ran past, carrying signs and yelling curse words."

Two things on this. love the sweat stuck on her skin! also i would break up this sentice, the flow seems a little off and it could work better split up.

" breathing slowing down as she moved her hands down her jeans."

Maybe take out down in slowing down, it already implys this and the flow would work better with out it.

"Heather waited until the adults left as she heard their voices die down and decided she needed to move before they found her."

again just split this up. and maybe some commas for flow.

"guns and swords "

What time period is this?? just courious.

"They found out she was Cambi, and pushed her out before she could mind trick them into letting her stay, but she on the sidewalk being chased by people."

I would say just try to reword this, cause its a little confusing.


this is very interesting, and i would love to read the others, so i can better understand this. i would say read through this outloud, it really helps with flow, also add commas. all and all i love the story of a person with powers, not wanting them. great job can wait to see what else you come up with. keep up the good work.
Maddie

User avatar
Carlito
Review
Carlito wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2015

Hello again!

I'm not going to get super nitpicky with this chapter because I feel like a lot of the things I would say would be similar to the previous chapters. However, if you'd like me to nitpick the same way I did the others, I'd be happy to oblige! :)

Okay, I feel like this chapter is like a climax point of the story. This is a really interesting climax, but I feel like it's weird that it's happening in chapter three. There's a HUGE jump from chapter two to this. At the end of chapter two she's revealed more of her powers and has said she's going to get revenge on this weird, creepy teacher that tried to use her.

Now here we are in chapter three and the entire town hates her and is after her, trying to kill her. See what I mean? Big jump.

And I know at the beginning of the chapter you sort of explained how we got here, but I think you need more than a paragraph or two to explain how we got here. You could do chapters upon chapters of development - what Heather's plan is for the teacher, what the reactions are of the people around her, how her parents find out about everything, Heather starting to enact some sort of plan or starting some quest to discover how this happened to her and how she got her powers, more between her and the teacher, more of the town and everyone close to her distancing themselves from her and taking the teacher's side, her feeling more and more isolated and alone, her trying to figure out how to make everything go back to how it was before, her developing more powers or figuring out how to work/control her powers and trying to figure out how to use them for good. That type of stuff.

Save this chapter, this chapter is interesting (although not perfect - read it out loud and add more description like I talked about in the last chapter. Paint me a picture). But I think it should go much, much later than chapter three. Still interested in where you're going to take this next! :)

As always let me know if anything I said was confusing or if you have any questions!



*gestures in butterfly meme*
— BluesClues