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Tattooed On My Heart

by Tuckster


Your name is tattooed on my heart.

Every time my heart beats, I feel your name pulsing against my chest.

A reminder of what I've lost. A reminder of what I had before it slipped through my fingers.

Your name bleeds into my veins and spreads through my body.

The thought of you courses through me. The thought of you infiltrates me.

It continues to pulse through me, filling every synapse of my brain.

I can't get you out of my head. More importantly, I can't get you out of my heart.


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Thu Jun 11, 2020 2:54 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hey Tuck!

Here to review! :)

So I like the concept of a name being tattooed on a heart and that being a metaphor for not being able to lose the memories of someone. The metaphor is clear and you're able to sustain the theme the whole time, so there shouldn't be any difficulty with readers understanding what the poem is about.

Form
I think as far as form goes, I'm not sure if the really long lines ended up helping? I kind of liked the contrast of the italics, it felt like maybe the first two iterations were taking more past-tense reflections versus the non-italics text was describing the bodily movement of the heart and body. I'm curious if you had an intention behind the way you structured the poem, is it supposed to show continuity since the lines sort of flow across the page?

One thought I had if you want to take the formatting a different way - if you flipped 90 degrees the image and widened the gaps between line breaks it'd look like the zig zags in a heart monitor which would actually be pretty neat!

Content
As I said earlier I think it's a real positive that you've stuck to one central theme for this piece and have kept everything thematically really tight. I think there are lines that verge on feeling almost cliche - > and only because they're dramatic without context. We don't know why they've lost the person, so the really grave life-death my heart is malfunctioning stuff has the risk of not sounding sincere. (I'm definitely not saying the poem feels cliche, I think you've avoided that by having the really specific bodily imagery that sort of lifts up the old "heart-broken" metaphor to something new and different, but I think it's edging towards feeling cliche).

I think that almost too-dramatic feeling could be improved if you added specificity to the piece. When poetry talks about or around subjects, it doesn't end up feeling personal. For instance a poem about "life" feels arrogant/distant/overly philosophical/hollow. But a poem about someone's life or a specific aspect of life feels personal/unique/insightful. You can add specificity by giving some concrete details about the loss. And, I think most importantly, adding specificity to the person that the speaker was in love with! So far the reader can only surmise that the speaker must have loved them because they had a name; which makes the poem feel a bit like it's generically talking about love, instead of actually describing the feeling of love. I hope that makes sense! It's kind of poetry's version of "show don't tell" I've written a bit more on that subject of specificity here. There's no need to add like a whole list of info about the person, but some half-anecdotal detail or little description of their appearance or who they were will make a big difference in making the poem seem more personal.

Last note on content, I don't think that the last line packs enough punch; the poem doesn't really delve into the difference between head/heart too much - just the implication of memory being somehow connected to love, but that doesn't get really explored, I think the distinction at the final line is interesting, but doesn't sound conclusive or what the poem was leading up to if that makes sense.

Overall
Overall, you've got good content here - I think there are a few ways to bring it to the next level! Let me know if you had any questions about my review, and I'll hopefully be able to review your other poem this week as well. :)

all the best,

A

Image




Tuckster says...


Thanks so much for this review! I appreciate it!



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Sun May 31, 2020 2:10 pm
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nanda wrote a review...



How beautiful!
Really this is superb! Filled with love and emotions!
The content is marvelous. And very touching too.
But I am just a bit doubtful regarding it's elaboration. The idea of someone/something precious being lost has been beautifully framed into words. But it could have sounded even better if you would have mentioned what or who it was.
Rest of it sounds very nice. The sentiment with which it has been written is very beautiful and touching.
The title too, I must say, has been chosen very cleverly .
Great job. Keep it up @Tuckster.
I wish you a good luck for future. Hope to see something even better than this from you in future.

Best wishes
Mahira




Tuckster says...


Thank you for the review!



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Mon May 04, 2020 5:33 am
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JenTep wrote a review...



Why must you take these esoteric ideas and put them into words? You did a marvelous job and I think the format really added to it, not sure why but I liked it. It feels like that beat of the heart is off, which is how I feel with the name on my heart.

I couldn't tell you how to re-phrase or write something, I feel like it's not mine to do so. Albeit I also lack so much knowledge to do it "right." But this is so well, done, I'm gushing. Doesn't help I just wrote a piece that put me into this mood too. Every day I wonder how to get the name off. Poor everyone trying to wade their way in!

Regardless, don't stop moving forward and enjoying what you do! You're incredible and I enjoyed reading this enough to do it a third time (and I don't relate to a lot of poetry I find).

Peace and Blessings, Tuckster!
-J.T.




Tuckster says...


Thank you so much for your kind words!



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Mon May 04, 2020 1:26 am
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mavisknightley wrote a review...



Hey there Tuckster!

Loved the simplicity and relatability of this poem. We've all be where the speaker is.

Onto the review!


****

Your name is tattooed on my heart.

Every time my heart beats, I feel your name pulsing against my chest.

***A suggestion -- try the word 'in' rather than 'against.' I thought subtracting one syllable made it flow a little smoother.

A reminder of what I've lost. A reminder of what I had before it slipped through my fingers.
***This makes me wonder what happened? I am missing some part of this story.

Your name bleeds into my veins and spreads through my body.
***Good descriptors here.

The thought of you courses through me. The thought of you infiltrates me.

It continues to pulse through me, filling every synapse of my brain.

I can't get you out of my head. More importantly, I can't get you out of my heart.
***Been there!

***

Overall I thought this was a great poem, easy to take in like a good glass of merlot. Nice work!

If you have any questions, please feel free to pm me. :)

Write On...

Mav


Mavis Knightley
www.mavisknightley.com




Tuckster says...


Thanks so much for the review! I agree with all your suggestions and will be sure to work them in. Thanks again!




The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest