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Are You Proud Of Me?

by Tuckster


[u]Are You Proud Of Me?[/u]


the smallest things
subtly make me feel like
an embarrassment

I try so hard to
make you proud of who I am
and am becoming

and yet it seems that
no matter what I do, I
will be a blemish

I don't understand
what you want me to do for
you to be happy

is there anything?
is there a way for me to
win your praise and pride?

because more and more,
it feels like there is nothing
I can do for you

that will make you proud
of who I am or who I
am trying to become.


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Sun Jan 26, 2020 4:37 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hey Tuck! Here to review! This review is for completing the RevMo checklist challenge all the way back in September - sorry for the delay, and thank you for your patience!


So let's get to the review!

Some General Comments

I'm not sure if you intentionally had the coding issue showing in the title with the [ u] underline code [/ u] showing, but it actually fit perfectly into the first stanza - because it shows a little human mistake, a small thing, that some people might just gripe on, that can become embarrassing. If it wasn't intentional, I'd change it, but I think it's pretty cute if it was!

Stanza 1
I think "subtly" isn't quite the right word, because it seems more like the speaker is describing a spiraling sort of emotion, that isn't really subtle, but really frustrating and challenging and present. Subtly can sometimes mean almost slowly, but I think the connotation can also mean sort of unobtrusive which doesn't work as strongly here.

Stanza 2
Ooof. Yep, this is very relatable, especially like for people growing up. I like that the speaker recognizes that they're not done growing, that they're still "becoming" but wish whoever the subject is (their parents? teacher? mentor? friends?) would respect them for the progress they're making. The stanza didn't have a clear connection to the first though - as embarrassment and recognition seem a bit different in attitude.

Stanza 3
I like the metaphor of blemish - it works here! It might be interesting to expand it a bit. Like "a permanent blemish", "an unending blemish", "a scar that you carry" etc. something to develop the metaphor a bit more.

Stanza 4 & 5 & 6
These feel very continuous, and clearly relate the emotional problem that the speaker is engaging with - they want to the subject's approval, but they just can't seem to get it. There's nothing wrong with the phrasing in these three stanzas, in fact it's very clear! But I think you could bring it to the next level by having another little metaphor or imagery bit. I appreciate the alliteration of "praise/pride" and amplifying intensity of the order of the stanzas though.

Stanza 7
We've got an almost direct repetition in the final stanza of what was said in stanza 2.


Overall Impressions
I appreciated the consistency you had with your stanza length, punctuation, and capitalization it certainly made the poem feel clean. I disagree with the reviewer who said you were inconsistent with capitalization, I don't know if you changed the poem since then, but everything was very consistent & clean.

The story/emotion came across really clearly it was not a challenge to try to decipher what the speaker was trying to get at, and I a lot of people will relate to the struggle.

I interpreted the poem as a speaker who really wanted to impress the subject, perhaps their parents, but they couldn't seem to do anything right, and even the smallest things seemed to bring embarrassment rather than pride to the subject. I didn't feel like the embarrassment thread you set up in stanza one, connected enough with the rest of the poem - a bit more continuity there would be good. And like I said earlier a few more metaphors would really amplify this poem's expression - to dig into that you might want to consider re-writing without being tied to the "3 line structure" as that can feel like you have to express short-concise-to-the-point; though I really think it might be interesting to dive in deeper and express the poem to its full emotional depth rather than just the to-the-point level.

Let me know if you had any questions about my review, or wanted feedback on something I didn't get to!

all the best,

alliyah




Tuckster says...


Thanks for the suggestions! I appreciate it!



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Fri Jun 14, 2019 2:03 am
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Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Tuckster, Casanova here to do my reviews for you as promised. Anyway, let's go.

You wanted feedback to make this better, so here it is.

The first thing I want to talk about is imagery. You really don't have any of that in this- this is pretty much a grocery list of things put out there that although they do go together, they don't really belong. One of the things that I love about poetry is that you have the freedom to describe the situation however you want to with metaphors and imagery, to make it any other situation, to make it be anything that you find fits it. But, here really, most of what you do is I statements that tell the situation exactly how it is, and to me that sorta just takes it away. When you do this you take away a certain ability to relate to the poem, and for a lot of readers that's what they enjoy.

The next thing is that, you use punctuation whenever you ask a question, but you don't use one whenever you're stopping a statement, which confused me a little bit because normally I use punctuation for flow reasons, so I put it in wherever it works best- not where it's /supposed/ to go by grammar rules. Take prose and throw it out the window, that's not how it works here.

And then the next thing, in your imagery, image smells, tastes, feels, etc that associate you to the situation at hand, and then go off that. I think that you'll find that you won't be disappointed.

Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.

Sincerely,

Casanova




Tuckster says...


Thanks so much for the review!



Casanova says...


Np ^^



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Thu May 02, 2019 6:20 am
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Toboldlygo wrote a review...



Hey there! Toboldlygo here for a review! Let's get this out the Green Room. :)

This is an awesome piece! I'm going to call attention to a couple specifics and then on to more general comments.

The first thing that I noticed is that there is little to no punctuation. That isn't a bad thing, and sometimes it is done by intention, however, you do have a little bit of punctuation here and there. You also have a mix of capitalization and no capitalization. I would suggest either using all or none for both of these, so if no punctuation is your intent, I would recommend taking out the periods and question marks that you do use, and if you intend to use it, make sure you use it wherever is appropriate. Same thing with capitalization, I recommend either lower casing everything or upper casing each line. I personally prefer proper punctuation and capitalization because if we're really being honest, it makes it so much easier to read and understand properly, but I realize that for some people it is a choice not to use it, so I recommend making that choice very clear to your reader.

In more general feedback, I notice that some of the lines, particularly last lines, are rather short. Not just in syllable counts, but also in how they cut the tempo of the stanza. I would highly recommend taking a look at each verse and reading it out loud so that you can gauge if each ending sounds the way you want it to sound.

Overall, this is a great poem! There's so much emotion in it and I can really feel an individual, maybe a child or a student, longing desperately to make an authority figure or a role model proud and always feeling as if s/he is falling short. Really amazing, you should feel proud.

Happy Writing!

Toboldlygo




Tuckster says...


Thanks so much for the review! I really appreciated your insights and feedback and am glad that you enjoyed it!



Toboldlygo says...


Anytime! It was great!



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Thu May 02, 2019 3:26 am
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Shakiraislam wrote a review...



Hey! Shakira here for a review!

First of all this is an amazing poem. Like it happens with us in our everyday life. We all try to be someone better for someone else. And we fail. This is something that we can never deny. We all try then we still can't be someone better. We all ask what should we do still it's hard. It's like a dream. To be someone the other person likes. And it matches with my life. Like I always write my diary and how I'm trying to sacrifice myself to be someone the other person like. I feel like you've been through this or maybe you thought about this. But I'm really amazed by the way it is shown. Well waiting to see more from you. Take love from this lil girl.




Tuckster says...


Thanks for the review!




This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much all of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movement of small green pieces of paper, which was odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy