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Are You Proud Of Me?

by Tuckster

[u]Are You Proud Of Me?[/u]

the smallest things
subtly make me feel like
an embarrassment

I try so hard to
make you proud of who I am
and am becoming

and yet it seems that
no matter what I do, I
will be a blemish

I don't understand
what you want me to do for
you to be happy

is there anything?
is there a way for me to
win your praise and pride?

because more and more,
it feels like there is nothing
I can do for you

that will make you proud
of who I am or who I
am trying to become.

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624 Reviews

Points: 3571
Reviews: 624

Fri Jun 14, 2019 2:03 am
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Casanova wrote a review...

Heya, Tuckster, Casanova here to do my reviews for you as promised. Anyway, let's go.

You wanted feedback to make this better, so here it is.

The first thing I want to talk about is imagery. You really don't have any of that in this- this is pretty much a grocery list of things put out there that although they do go together, they don't really belong. One of the things that I love about poetry is that you have the freedom to describe the situation however you want to with metaphors and imagery, to make it any other situation, to make it be anything that you find fits it. But, here really, most of what you do is I statements that tell the situation exactly how it is, and to me that sorta just takes it away. When you do this you take away a certain ability to relate to the poem, and for a lot of readers that's what they enjoy.

The next thing is that, you use punctuation whenever you ask a question, but you don't use one whenever you're stopping a statement, which confused me a little bit because normally I use punctuation for flow reasons, so I put it in wherever it works best- not where it's /supposed/ to go by grammar rules. Take prose and throw it out the window, that's not how it works here.

And then the next thing, in your imagery, image smells, tastes, feels, etc that associate you to the situation at hand, and then go off that. I think that you'll find that you won't be disappointed.

Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.



Tuckster says...

Thanks so much for the review!

Casanova says...

Np ^^

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155 Reviews

Points: 11208
Reviews: 155

Thu May 02, 2019 6:20 am
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Toboldlygo wrote a review...

Hey there! Toboldlygo here for a review! Let's get this out the Green Room. :)

This is an awesome piece! I'm going to call attention to a couple specifics and then on to more general comments.

The first thing that I noticed is that there is little to no punctuation. That isn't a bad thing, and sometimes it is done by intention, however, you do have a little bit of punctuation here and there. You also have a mix of capitalization and no capitalization. I would suggest either using all or none for both of these, so if no punctuation is your intent, I would recommend taking out the periods and question marks that you do use, and if you intend to use it, make sure you use it wherever is appropriate. Same thing with capitalization, I recommend either lower casing everything or upper casing each line. I personally prefer proper punctuation and capitalization because if we're really being honest, it makes it so much easier to read and understand properly, but I realize that for some people it is a choice not to use it, so I recommend making that choice very clear to your reader.

In more general feedback, I notice that some of the lines, particularly last lines, are rather short. Not just in syllable counts, but also in how they cut the tempo of the stanza. I would highly recommend taking a look at each verse and reading it out loud so that you can gauge if each ending sounds the way you want it to sound.

Overall, this is a great poem! There's so much emotion in it and I can really feel an individual, maybe a child or a student, longing desperately to make an authority figure or a role model proud and always feeling as if s/he is falling short. Really amazing, you should feel proud.

Happy Writing!


Tuckster says...

Thanks so much for the review! I really appreciated your insights and feedback and am glad that you enjoyed it!

Toboldlygo says...

Anytime! It was great!

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9 Reviews

Points: 283
Reviews: 9

Thu May 02, 2019 3:26 am
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Shakiraislam wrote a review...

Hey! Shakira here for a review!

First of all this is an amazing poem. Like it happens with us in our everyday life. We all try to be someone better for someone else. And we fail. This is something that we can never deny. We all try then we still can't be someone better. We all ask what should we do still it's hard. It's like a dream. To be someone the other person likes. And it matches with my life. Like I always write my diary and how I'm trying to sacrifice myself to be someone the other person like. I feel like you've been through this or maybe you thought about this. But I'm really amazed by the way it is shown. Well waiting to see more from you. Take love from this lil girl.

Tuckster says...

Thanks for the review!

Memories, left untranslated, can be disowned; memories untranslatable can become someone else’s story.
— YiYun Li