Eight Reasons Why I Kissed Hayden Beaufort (part 8b/8)

#8: WHAT EUGENE DID LAST SUMMER (continued)

I burst into the building, storming through the kitchens into one of the seating areas. I moved passed the podium with the musical equipment set up on it, past the my friends, past the chairs stacked in the corner of the room. Ignoring Tahlia, who called out my name, I pushed open the STAFF ONLY door, entering the empty office.

I closed the door behind me, and took a couple of steps into the room before the sob escaped my lips. I slid down against the front of the desk, burying my head into my hands. I felt a tear run down my cheek, and I wiped it away angrily.

He’d lied to me. He was my best friend, the person I trusted most in the entire world, and he’d created this whole deception, fooling me, then lying again to cover his tracks. Did he really have such little faith in me that he’d think that something like vandalism would be enough to turn me against him?

Damn him.

Damn Eugene . Damn the tears that were coursing down my face and the utter rage and confusion that he was making me feel. Damn the fact that I hadn’t noticed before now, and the creeping guilt that his confession was making me feel.

Damn him.

How did I manage to miss it? I’d known Eugene for twelve years, I thought I knew him inside out. He was my best friend – he’d always told me everything. He was the one person who I’d figure would always be a constant in my life, but now, I didn’t know what I would do next time I saw him.

I couldn’t lose him.

What am I thinking? I thought desperately. He’d lied to me, to everyone, and he’d manipulated Freddie. Which, I guessed, helped to explain the way Freddie had acted on Friday night.

My thoughts kept going in circles – whizzing from hating Eugene, to missing him, to being angry at both him and myself, to misery. I leant my head against the cool wood of the desk, hating all the noise going on in my brain.

I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts anymore, but I couldn’t stand the idea of going outside. I knew that Tahlia would be concerned, Audrey would ask questions, Theo would be heartbroken and Freddie would be… Freddie. Seeing them react to what was going on would only make me feel worse.

I’d mostly gotten control over the crying when I heard voices right outside the door. One was Tahlia’s and the other sounded male. It wasn’t deep enough to be Eugene’s, but it didn’t sound like Freddie or Theo, either. Whoever it was, it was clear that he was arguing with Tahlia. I couldn’t make out the words, but it sounded like he was winning, and the next thing I knew the door had opened and Hayden stood in the entrance to the office.

“Hi,” he said softly. “Your friend said you were in here – not Tahlia, the other one. Tahlia didn’t think you’d want to see anyone. She said you were upset, but I thought… I can go if you like.”

“Nah, it’s okay,” I replied, wiping the last tears from my eyes. I grimaced when my fingers came back black. “God, my mascara.”

I rubbed at my eyes, hoping that I didn’t end up looking like a panda. Hayden continued to stand in the doorway, uncertain, so I patted the ground next to me. I hoped his presence would be enough of a distraction from my thoughts.

Hayden closed the door behind him as he came over to sit beside me. The pressure of his shoulder against mine, the simple contact of it, was enough to make my heart race.

“You look fine,” he said gently. I gave him a small smile, grateful for his lie, because I knew full well how red and blotchy I must have been. “Do you want to talk, or just sit? I don’t mind, it’s up to you. You might want to think, or process whatever’s happened. You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want. But I’m here, if you do.”

“Hayden?” I asked.

“Yes?”

“You’re rambling.”

He laughed softly. I hadn’t heard him laugh before, and my breath caught at the sound. I wanted keep hearing that.

“I don’t want to think about it.” Even with Hayden here, talking to me, Eugene’s words were still in the back of my mind, buzzing incessantly. “I want to go back to before this all happened. Thinking about it about it hurts and speaking about it would make it too real.”

“Okay,” he said. Despite his bumbling, there was still the intensity in his gaze that I’d noticed when we’d first spoken. Having it directed towards me wasn’t as intimidating as it should’ve been – I could see the concern in the narrowing of his eyes. Not that I was eager to have that concern directed towards me. As foolish as it was, I didn’t want him seeing me like this, so soon after we’d first met. I’d rather be the spellbound girl at a party, or have him witness me in my element in the record shop, or a thousand other possible situations. Not shattered. Not like this.

I rested my head against the back of the desk, staring ahead at the shelves in front of us. I allowed myself a wallowing sigh, then looked back to Hayden. At the same moment, he turned his head so he was looking straight at me, and his face was only a few centimetres from mine.

I wanted just a moment of not thinking. A moment where I wasn’t feeling hopeless and angry. Before I could properly consider what I was doing, I leant forward, closing the gap between us.

Then I kissed him.

He moved back slightly, at first, taken by surprise. He then shifted, and leant forwards the tiniest bit to kiss me back. As soon as I sensed that subtle movement, my heart began to beat faster and more furiously. But there was no trace of the nervousness I had felt the last time we’d spoke – instead a thrill rushed through me, the same kind of breathtaking exhilaration that I felt listening to a favourite song.

In that moment, it felt like it was just him and me, and the rest of the world had faded to a distant murmur.

He pulled back. “Tell me something,” he said, a hint of breathlessness to his voice. “Did you kiss me because you like me or is it because you’re upset?”

I bit my lip. “Partly because I’m upset,” I admitted. “But this is because I like you.”

I leant forward and kissed him again. This time, he kissed me back without hesitation, reaching one hand up to my cheek. I moved so that my back was no longer to the desk, so that I was facing him, and put my hands on his shoulders, pulling him closer to me.

There was no thought to this, no deliberation. Just sensation. It was the light brush of his fringe against my forehead, the feeling of his fingers on my face, the touch of his lips. It was the way his hand on my waist sent a shiver down my spine. It was me and him and our racing hearts, and time became a foreign concept until a noise outside startled us apart.

Hayden sat back, and stared at me for a long moment, looking as though he were surprised by my existence. Under the office’s fluorescent lights, his eyes were a vivid shade of orange, the hazel made brighter in the harsh, artificial light.

I shut my own eyes and sat back against the desk next to him. “So…” I said, opening my eyes and raising an eyebrow.

“So…” Hayden replied, his dreamy expression replaced by a small smile. I couldn’t help but grin back. I felt giddy and a little breathless. “We’re going to have to go out there, aren’t we?”

I laughed, then froze. “Shit. Audrey’ll never let me hear the end of it. Neither will Freddie. I’m game to make a break out the window, if you are.”

“You’re feeling better?” he asked. His tone was light, but the question was sobering. Because it wouldn’t just be teasing I’d have to face out there, it would be Eugene too.

“I’m good.” At least, I was convincing myself that I was. The anger I’d felt before was bubbling up again, but it wasn’t feeling quite so overwhelming. “I’m still angry, and all that, but I’ll live.”

Now that I wasn’t completely reeling from the shock of Eugene’s confession, I almost wanted to speak to him again. Not right now – but soon. When everything had died down a little, hopefully I’d be able to talk with him, work out what went wrong.

Even though he’d lied to me, the fact was that I cared about Eugene far more than I could ever hate him.

I stood up slowly. Straightening up, I offered a hand to Hayden. He said, “Just go out there, as if nothing’s happened.”

“No.” I shook my head, surprised at how quickly I disagreed. “I mean, thanks, but if I do that it almost feels as though I’ll be saying that it doesn’t matter, like it’s all okay, when it’s not.”

“Right, then,” he said. “But if you’d like me to, I’ll be your sidekick in your righteous anger, or whatever. I’ll be right behind you when you walk through that door.”

“Hayden,” I began, “I haven’t even told you what this is about. Why I’m upset. But you’re on my side. Why?”

He studied me pensively, his eyes level with mine. “Because of the look on your face when you were listening to my old band play. Because you hang out with musos even though, apparently, you can’t play an instrument yourself. I’m fascinated by you, Liv.”

I scoffed quietly. Then, feeling rude, I said, “I’m not all that interesting.”

“Maybe not,” he said, a small smile tugging on his lips. “But I’m willing to find out, if you’d let me.”

“I’d be cool with that.” My voice was barely louder than a whisper. I liked hearing him say that, even if it felt weird that those words were being directed at me. I like Hayden Beaufort, I thought. I’d sort of admitted it to Tahlia and Audrey, but now I let myself acknowledge it.

“So shall we go?” he asked, gesturing towards the door.

“Let’s go,” I answered, and we walked through the door, to where Pugnacious Dogma was about to play their first song for the last time.