Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Hi! If I were smart this chapter would be from the point of view of the character in the first chapter, but I'd rather do this so that's what we're gonna do. :) This is the same character as the lady from the second chapter, so keep that in mind. She's a doozy. -Trashcan
Tuesday(name of the character), September 10th
It’s 2:10, he should be here soon. I’ve seen him walk past my house on the way to school, so hopefully, he walks home too.
Ah. There he is, I can feel myself smiling. Even I’m not sure why. Maybe I’m just happy.
Weird.
“Hey.” He takes a deep breath before he makes eye contact with me.
“Hello.”
“Why are you smiling?” The look on his face tells me he doesn’t trust me.
“Because you’re hilarious.” What the hell is THAT supposed to mean? Moron. “Do you walk home?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Great! You live on Lawrence avenue right?”
He nods.
“Then let’s walk home together.”
“Oh, alright. Beats walking alone, that’s for sure.” The voice I’m hearing and the face I’m seeing are saying contradictory things.
It’s a few minutes before one of us talks.
“I saw some guy in the girls’ bathroom earlier today, I don’t know who it was.” Just confront him. You don’t need to drag this on.
“Oh, did you?”
“Yeah, what a weirdo, right?”
“Uh-huh.”
“What do you think of guys like that?” See, this is what happens. You get curious and ask more questions than you need too.
“Well, they’re weird. Obviously.”
I force a chuckle. “Finally a sane person. You’d be surprised how many dudes I’ve seen sneak into the ladies room over the years.”
“Really? That’s a little weird.” Let’s test this guy a little.
“Yeah. Actually, come to think of it, the guy from earlier looks kinda like you. Same hoodie and everything.”
He shakes his head. “I have a boring face and this hoodie was on sale at Walmart last week. It could’ve been anyone.”
...Ok, either it wasn’t him or he’s trying to distract me.
“Hmm. Let me get a closer look at your face.”
I stare him right in the eyes. Not. A. Twitch. A smile spreads across his face.
“Like I said, it wasn’t me. I was just checking to see if my friend was in there panicking.” Hahaha. Caught ya.
His facade shatters as soon as he realizes.
“Er, I mean-“
“It was you.”
“Well, I- I did it for a good reason at least!”
“Explain.”
Silence.
"I'm waiting."
“Ok, fine!" He takes another deep breath. "My friend used to have panic and anxiety attacks all the time at school, she would hide in the girl’s bathroom and I would comfort her if I ever found her.”
“So this wasn’t the first time you’ve snuck into the girl’s bathroom.”
“Wha-no! I-I...”
Silence only filled by his incessant stuttering.
“I don’t even like girls that way.” Hmm? Is that so.
Even more silence.
“I bet you hadn’t planned on coming out today, had you? That or you’re lying to save a bit of face. Interesting. Well, I would LOVE to keep talking, but this is my house. See ya later.”
“Wait- you can’t just-”
“I’ll see you later.”
I think him and I will make great friends in the not-so-distant future. Although, until he slipped up, that kid was quite the skilled liar.
Whoever taught him to lie like that should be feared.
It should be dinner time soon, it’s 4:30 now. Wonder what mom got at the store?
I head to the kitchen, her purse is still slung over a chair, there aren’t any groceries on the counter. Oh no, she slept through the day again didn’t she? Great. I check her bedroom. Yep, slept through her phone alarm too. That’s what happens when you’re up all night drinking wine and watching TV.
Did she have to work tonight? I think she did. Ha, this day just. Keeps. Getting. Better.
“Hey, mom.” No response. “Heeeeeeey, mom.” Still no response. “Mother,” I say this through gritted teeth. Not even a twitch. “MOM!” She shoots up.
“What?”
“It’s 4:30! Why aren’t you up?”
“4:30! Why didn’t you wake me up when you got home?”
“Because I THOUGHT you were getting better.”
She’s quiet for a long time.
“Let’s just order a pizza for dinner.”
“Fine by me, but I think you have work tonight.”
“I’ll just, call in sick.”
“Ok.” I could’ve let her sleep, called in sick for her, and ordered a pizza all by myself and the outcome would’ve been exactly the same.
Half an hour later and the pizza arrives.
“Let’s see, here’s your pepperoni and here’s my vegetarian.”
“Thank you.”
We start eating. “So sweetie, did you have a good day at school?”
Hell yeah. “Pretty good.”
“That’s good! Did you make any new friends?”
“Oh? In what way?”
I feel a smile spread across my face. “He just says funny things sometimes.”
“Ah, well I’m glad you’re making some new friends finally.”
“Yeah. Me too."
Oh, in case you hadn't noticed, we're finally out of the AGONIZING introdutory chapters! SO I can finally let you guys get to know the characters! I'm very excited for what's to come. -Trashcan :)
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137,701 Literary Works • 672,063 Reviews
Hey, Trashcan! I'm here for another review.
I'm very interested as to why Tuesday was named Tuesday. I'm currently placing bets on that her name is actually a nickname, but I could be wrong. With the other names being Maryland, Moriah, Alexander, and Ginny, her name almost feels out of place. Not that her name is anything bad or that it should be changed -- in fact, I like it; it suits her. I'm just wondering if the origin of her name will ever come up or if it will be left alone.
On the topic of names, is Tuesday not mentioning Alexander's name done on purpose? Does she not know it or was it a stylistic choice here? If she does know his name, then I'd recommend that it should be used in place of some pronouns. If she doesn't know his name, then it wouldn't hurt for the reader to know that. Perhaps adding it in after the first line. "[...] he should be here soon. I don't know his name, but I do know that his behavior is curious."
She knows the street that he lives on and yet doesn't make mention of his name? Doesn't that seem a bit odd, regardless of what the actual situation with his name is?
Also, the "a" in "avenue" should be capitalized.
Be more specific here. How does his voice sound and what is he conveying in his tone? What is the expression on his face and how stark is the contrast between the two? Does Tuesday have any sort of emotion or reaction to this walking and talking contradiction in front of her?
This is a comma splice, given the fact that there are two independent clauses in the sentence.
This is a perfect opportunity to describe what Alexander's face looks like and what he's wearing. A boring face for one person could be completely out of the ordinary and incredibly distinct for another person. Currently, I'm picturing a boy with short brown hair, brown eyes, light skin, a somewhat chubby face, and a bit of acne. As the author, you could have been picturing something incredibly different for this character and I'd never know. Same with the hoodie. I'm imagining him in some nondescript gray hoodie with no lettering, but it could actually be bright red with cartoon kittens divebombing off of it. The reader cannot and will not know what the characters look like unless it's described.
With her describing him and describing his hoodie, she could also note the fact that five other guys at school look kinda similar to him. Tuesday could also add the fact that she'd seen at least six other people wearing a similar type of hoodie. When she's talking about this, then her experiencing the feelings of doubt can be better felt by the reader.
Okay, one thing: Why is Tuesday so invested in the fact that she saw Alexander in the girls' bathroom? Why does she choose such a roundabout way to go about asking him? From her initial pursuit, it kinda sounded like she wanted to humiliate him. She kinda cornered him into saying that guys who go into girls' bathroom are weirdos. If Tuesday wanted to humiliate Alexander, then why not just ask him in front of everyone at school?
If she wants Alexander to be her friend, then why did she choose to go about the topic in that way?
Did he... actually accidentally come out as gay? Or was that just a joke at the expense of gay people who come out accidentally. The meaning isn't really clear.
Mom is a proper noun in this instance, so the "m" would be capitalized here and in all other instances that she calls her mom "Mom".
Without dialogue tags, exchanges like this get a little difficult to follow. It's not a crime to use "she said" and "I said" every once and a while to remind the reader of who is speaking. It might be obvious to you as the writer, but it does get a little bit confusing for the reader.
Tuesday's problems with her mom are insightful to how she acts as a character, but I really do hope that they're expanded on more. It looks like she's raising herself right now? I could be wrong. How long has her mom been, what I assume to be, an alcoholic? Is there another parent in the picture? What sort of job does Tuesday's mom have? These are all questions I'm really interested in knowing the answer to!
Okay! Those are my thoughts on this chapter! Thank you for writing this. I'm glad that we're out of the introductory phase, because I'm finally ready to get into some plot! How do these main characters know each other? What's going to happen?
I hope that you keep on writing! Let me know when the next chapter is posted! Also, let me know if you have any questions or comments on anything that I mentioned here!
-E
Hi! Thanks for the advice.
I didn't really have a real reason for naming her Tuesday, other than it kind of suited her, but recently I came up with a reason why her mother would name her that. Originally, her birthday was February 17th, but I've decided to change it to February 22nd, 2-22. Tuesday, Twos-day. Dumb but it made me laugh so we're sticking to it.
Also, it's scarily accurate how close your guess as to what Alex really looks like was. I may have worded that weird but You get the picture hopefully.
I'll try to be better at describing things in future chapters.
Ohh, so is this set in the future, in 2022?
February is the second month (2) and Tuesday was born on February 22nd or 2/22
Sorry for the confusion, I used the wrong sign.
Ohhhh. That clarifies it! Thanks!
No problem!
Hey Trashcan!
I am going to apologize in advance if I get anything dreadfully wrong here, seeing as I'm jumping into your novel at chapter six. Hopefully, this turns out alright.
I hope you're doing great today.
The Good Stuff
I thought your dialogue was for the most part, pretty great. It flowed naturally, and didn't sound forced or stilted. I can discern much of the Narrator's personality just from her manner of speech. She's direct, and to the point here, not speaking of frivolous things with the boy, and with her mom she sounds irritated and just... done. It was great. This applies to her thoughts, as well, which were awesome. I especially liked this one: ” What the hell is THAT supposed to mean? Moron. Sounds like a typical teenage girl here. xD
Your writing style was also, very effective in here. It helped reveal more of Narrator's somewhat spunky personality and general character. I liked this example: I stare him right in the eyes. Not. A. Twitch.
But There Is Something...
Good stuff aside, there is a factor in this chapter that is lacking. A very big one, in fact. There's no description. We know Narrator and boy are walking home from school, but we don't know what their surroundings look like, or feel like. Is it hot or cool outside? What's she wearing? What does he look like?
When she gets home, we have solely dialogue and facts. Nothing else. Tell us about her home and what it's like, what her mom looks like, what the pizza looks/tastes like. I like this article on description, and this one! There's plenty more all over the web, and on this site, too, but if you ever need help, be sure to ask. Description is very important in a novel - or any story, actually - and I think this story would be much, much more effective with it added.
Quick Note: why isn't the boy's name ever mentioned??
Specifics
I'm not sure how modern this novel is, or if it isn't at all. But assuming it is, I'm not sure if what MC said here was... correct. Nowadays, "guys" can go into girls bathrooms, and I understand most schools allow it, as well. I know in this context what kind of guy you are referring to, but I just thought I'd give you a heads up. This could cause some offense.
I noticed you happened to italicize some actions that are not MC's thoughts. I'm sure this was just an accident, but here's another heads up to let you know it can be confusing. xD
Speaking of her italicized thoughts... I don't think you needed to italicize this one. It stands well by itself, as a statement, and peoples thoughts generally don't sound this... organized.
I'm pretty sure that first sentence wasn't a thought.
Overall
Overall, I'm very curious as to the actual story of this well, story. Something is up with this dude - it doesn't just involve him walking into the girls bathroom. Is it like a mystery, almost? o.O Because that'd be fantastic. If you keep up the great dialogue and thoughts and throw in some description, this would be great. Your pacing was fine, though the scene jump from Narrator leaving boy, and walking into the house was a bit awkward. Once more: I think some description could help better that.
Have a great day!
I hope this helps.
~rosette
Thanks for the review! I uhh, kinda forgot about the trans ladies out there (which is a little embarrassing because there IS a trans lady later in this story, and a trans boy). Thanks for bringing this to my attention, I'll try to find a way to edit it without changing the chapter too much.