Young Writers Society

Yo.

Jimmy here.

Thought I would come by and do a little review. So, here it goes.

First, my usual disclaimer. I have no grammar skills so if you need help there I am not your man. Also, I don't censor myself well, so if I say anything offensive just know that I probably didn't mean it.

Ok, on to the business at hand.

1) I think you need to show more than tell in the first part of your story. You give everything like you are listing things off rather than trying to tell a story. Now, it's not that big of a change, just weave everything together and make some things more abstract rather than going right out and saying it and you're golden.

2) I am feeling that there are certain parts of the story where you state things that would no doubt make sense if I had proper context, but without that context, end up being a little confusing. Take, for example, the part about the seagulls. With proper context, it makes perfect sense. She moved, she used to live in Indiana, etc. But, without explaining all of that first, it makes everything a little more confusing.

3) Just a suggestion, but I think your work would benefit from italicizing character thoughts. Right now, you blend exposition and thought seamlessly. Having a distinction helps the reader differentiate between actions, descriptions, and whatnot from thoughts. When I read a work and see italics, I instantly know I'm getting a peek inside the mind of the character and that can be really cool.

4) There are parts of this work I think you could cut out. The part about the lunch money seems to interrupt the flow of the work. That is just a personal thing, but I advise it none the less.

5) I would give the teacher a little bit more dialogue. An excerpt from her lecture, for example, could hammer home the idea that it is super boring with just a few words. Using dialogue is like using a shortcut. You can express things or convey scenes just using words. To me at least, that is really cool, so a big recommendation there.

6) I would love to see the chapter end on an event that leads nicely into the next chapter. Right now, it feels like it stops suddenly. Having a strong ending to the first chapter can make or break a book. Endings are what makes great books page-turners, and here at YWS, our mission is to help you achieve greatness!

Alright, final notes. As others have said before, it's a little choppy, but hey, we all have stuff to work on (Especially me. God, my stuff is rough). You only need a few changes here and there and you will be rolling down the right path.

Now for the positive stuff. If your bio is correct then you are a very good writer for one so young! I know I could never have produced something like this at your age so I congratulate you there! So far, you have a very engaging story. From down below you can clearly tell that people enjoyed reading your work and I count myself among them.

Hope I didn't say anything that offended you. I also hope this review helps!

Cheers,

A laughing man

Hey there! Welcome to YWS and thank you for sharing the first part of your story! I'm still pretty new myself, so bear with me for a review.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this. I love that the main character isn't afraid to be herself and has such a laid back personality. Although, I feel like she is a bit ostracized and I hope she gains a bit of confidence in the coming chapters, but that all depends on the plot. I'm very interested to see where you take this, with a title like "Average"and a plot that is only just unraveling. I'm excited to read the next chapter for sure!

My favorite parts:

They’re pretty cute, actually, the way they waddle around without having to worry about tests or homework or people.

Tuesday is kind of a zombie and whats-his-face is unreadable.

Did you already leave?

Yeah

You're supposed to wait till we woke up so we can say goodbye to you!

If I waited for you I would’ve been late

Wait for us to wake up tomorrow please

K

A couple girls in the back snicker a little. They’re all wearing ponytails, 2 have their hair dyed blonde. 3 have the tips of their hair dyed bright red. 1 seems to have dyed her hair blonde AND red.

but frankly, Scarlet, I don’t care.

In case you forgot since you last went to school,

Ironically, an exercise that is supposed to teach us about positivity made me hate just about everyone in this stupid school.

Hey! Soooo I noticed you were new here, so I just want to say... Welcome!

Anyways, I am not going to go into full detail, I'm just going to nit-pick a 'lil bit

I noticed several grammar mistakes. I just want to point out that you used digits for words that don't need to be numbers, and instead need to be words. Always spell out words under ten.

For example, I could say I had one bagel for breakfast. Never say, "1 bagel," it's just not correct grammar.

I also noticed, grammar-wise, that you're really choppy in your writing. You used a BUNCH of periods. Using too much doesn't give the piece flow. I am not going to go into full detail about this one.


Plot wise though, it's interesting. You address your time, setting, and situation alright. The piece just felt... unbalanced to me. Keep in mind that you're not the only one seeing this, you will have an audience, and you'll need to appeal to them. The choppy writing makes me very uncomfortable, and probably to others readers as well. Like I said above, remember to have balance


I really enjoyed the simplicity of it though

Keep writing, practice makes perfect!

Gotta go to bed, so I can't write a full review atm, but I love this. It was a nice surprise- I wasn't expecting to find any works that I'd like (was just skimming through some stuff in the green room). I'll just say that I love how easy it is to read, I like Moriah's character, and I'm curious about Tuesday and Moriah's relationship with her family. Will definitely read the next chapter when you write it.