Hi Trashcan! This was the my first story to pop up in the Green Room, and I am so excited that you posted another chapter!
Let's get right on to the review then I guess.
First of all, I noticed that you didn't make it as choppy, which is good! However, you did add some unnecessary commas in there.
For example:
The only bad thing about it is deciding where to sit. Your lunch friends are different from your actual friends, that’s what I’ve heard, at least.
The comma after 'heard' is unnecessary, so just keep in my mind to not add a comma if the thought is completely over, or if it is not a phrase.
The dialogue punctuation was also a bit off. When you write dialogue, remember to keep the punctuation marks inside the quotation marks.
For example:
...I force a smile.“Hey”, I say quieter than intended.
The comma was not inside of the quotations. Remember to keep those inside.
Plot-wise, it was wonderfully simplistic, and I enjoyed the shortness of it. Not too many details to give me a headache over. The only thing that bothered me was the sudden change of thoughts in the same paragraphs. Although you didn't add as much periods, the thought process seemed a bit choppy. Keep in mind to have more flow when you're writing.
Aaannnd that's it! Sorry if I seemed too harsh.
I really am enjoying it so far! Remember, practice makes perfect!
Points: 0
Reviews: 10
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