Another chapter in the book I'm working on. I won't upload one every day, I just have enough points to upload one today and one tomorrow. I've taken the comments on my previous submission into consideration when writing this chapter. Also, you'll notice it says Tuesday after the date, that is the name of the character, not the day. -Trashcan
September 5th, Tuesday
Lunch, everybody’s favorite subject, mine at least. The only bad thing about it is deciding where to sit. Your lunch friends are different from your actual friends, that’s what I’ve heard, at least. There are only so many tables, you’ll rarely have a table to yourself, especially if you score yourself a place at the back of the line to get whatever slop the school is serving like I seem to have done today. I’ll have to choose someone to sit with. Lovely.
I’ll sit next to the girl I did the positivity project with. I should scan her for immediate red flags first. Let’s see: Glasses, short hair, casually dressed, sorta pretty, but not snobby looking, she’s reading a book. I don’t know why I did that, not like I’m gonna try to talk to her. Hopefully, she won’t try to start a conversation right now.
I put down my lunch tray down across from her, it makes a loud clang as it hits the table. She half looks half glares up from her book, I force a smile.“Hey”, I say quieter than intended.
“Morning.” She looks back down at her book. Looks like that’s the end of the conversation. Good.
I eat my mozzarella cheese bites, without sauce, of course. Because it’s the school lunch. Honestly, they’re probably the best thing this school serves. I get up and throw my trash away. The bell for next period rings and the girl throws away half her salad. I could’ve eaten that.
She seems a little antisocial, she'll fit right in. I could form a pretty big club with all the antisocial people at this school, no one would join though. Pretty obvious.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Average, chapter 3 (rough draft)Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,616 Literary Works • 672,629 Reviews
Hi Trashcan! This was the my first story to pop up in the Green Room, and I am so excited that you posted another chapter!
The only thing that bothered me was the sudden change of thoughts in the same paragraphs. Although you didn't add as much periods, the thought process seemed a bit choppy. Keep in mind to have more flow when you're writing.
Let's get right on to the review then I guess.
First of all, I noticed that you didn't make it as choppy, which is good! However, you did add some unnecessary commas in there.
For example:
The only bad thing about it is deciding where to sit. Your lunch friends are different from your actual friends, that’s what I’ve heard, at least.
The comma after 'heard' is unnecessary, so just keep in my mind to not add a comma if the thought is completely over, or if it is not a phrase.
The dialogue punctuation was also a bit off. When you write dialogue, remember to keep the punctuation marks inside the quotation marks.
For example:
...I force a smile.“Hey”, I say quieter than intended.
The comma was not inside of the quotations. Remember to keep those inside.
Plot-wise, it was wonderfully simplistic, and I enjoyed the shortness of it. Not too many details to give me a headache over.
Aaannnd that's it! Sorry if I seemed too harsh.
I really am enjoying it so far! Remember, practice makes perfect!
No, you're not too harsh at all. I'll be sure to check out a how-to on flow and stuff like that.
This entire first chapter seems like a river of flowing crystal clear water....by that I mean It's pretty cool. Nothing amazing or godlike just simple world and character building. You perfectly describe how our little unnamed main character generally would act in everyday situations. You also describe the girl so perfectly and well written since we as readers are able to figure out what this girl is like without you Rarely giving us any information since you just telll us the basics and we easily fill in the blanks. You take this nice and slow. Calm and easy. Right now your testing the waters. Now will you dive or not. Only time will tell.
This entire first chapter seems like a river of flowing crystal clear water....by that I mean It's pretty cool. Nothing amazing or godlike just simple world and character building. You perfectly describe how our little unnamed main character generally would act in everyday situations. You also describe the girl so perfectly and well written since we as readers are able to figure out what this girl is like without you Rarely giving us any information since you just telll us the basics and we easily fill in the blanks. You take this nice and slow. Calm and easy. Right now your testing the waters. Now will you dive or not. Only time will tell.
Thanks for the compliments! Just one thing, our main character isn't unnamed, you can see what character's point of view the chapter is from below the author's note (text in bold) and above the main story, It's in italics. It shows the date as well as the character the chapter is centered around. This doesn't matter that much right now, but later on, you'll be really confused if you don't pay attention to the italics. I'm really sorry if that wasn't clear.