Young Writers Society

Hello, there!

So, for the thing about having different POVs for different chapters, I'd write whose POV it is at the top of the chapter since this is first person. That's what I do for my book, anyway. If it was third person, it'd be different since their names would be used in the story and you could tell quickly whose POV we were following, but in first person, it might take some time for the readers to differentiate who it is. And that would probably distract from the story until they figure it out, so I'd just write the name of the character whose POV it is up top before writing any of the story, you know?

Okay, now the italicized text. I have italicized text in my story as well myself, but a lot of this doesn't need to be italicized. A lot of it would work just fine as regular text, and there's also quite a bit of it that sounds unnatural as someone's exact thoughts. Like the Wonder Woman paragraph text. It should probably just be regular text. If you have a reason for these parts of the story, let me know, but as far as I can see, they'd work better as regular sentences.

A lot of the parts that you have together should probably be separate paragraphs. Like sometimes you'll have someone speaking, and then someone else having an action, back to the speaking, your main character's thoughts, when all of those should have their own separate paragraphs, since they're separate actions. For an example, instead of this:

“Lovely to meet you! Please sit over,” She pauses for a moment to scan the room. “There! With the blonde lady in the back.” I knew it. I knew it was too good to be true. He smiles at me as he sits down. I don’t smile back. Mrs. Russel continues, “I suppose, we should hop right into the lesson now, shouldn’t we? How many of you would consider yourselves artists?” I raise my hand, so does this Noah guy. Plus five points to him for coolness. “Wonderful! That’s more than most classes. So we’re going to do a little game called Scribble. How do you play Scribble you ask? Well, it’s easy! All you have to do is draw a small doodle or drawing and then show it to the people at your table and explain why you chose to draw it. Simple enough? Good! Paper is at the front of the room."

It should be more like this:

"Lovely to meet you! Please sit over..." She pauses for a moment to scan the room. "There! With the blonde lady in the back."

*I knew it. I knew it was too good to be true.*

He smiles at me as he sits down. I don't smile back.

"I suppose we should hop right into the lesson now, shouldn't we?" Mrs. Russell continues. "How many of you would consider yourselves artists?"

I raise my hand, as does this Noah guy. Plus five points to him for coolness.

"Wonderful! That's more than most classes...."

I trailed off there because the rest of that will be in the same paragraph, but hopefully this gives you a good idea of what I mean. Another thing I'd like to point is that there are some grammar mistakes. Not a ton, but enough for me to still notice them. This could use some editing, and I hope none of what I'm saying offends you.

Now, as for the characters, I feel like I got a pretty good idea of what they're like from this section, so that's good. Some of their dialogue sounds unnatural, however, so that's something I suggest working on. Maybe read them aloud to yourself as your writing sometimes to see if it would be something you'd say.

This is getting a bit long so I'll try to wrap it up, but the last thing I want to mention is the plot. This chapter is pretty short, so I don't have much to go off of, but I don't quite know what the plot is right now. Is it just the life of these kids, or is there other stuff, too? I can't tell from tis chapter--which, don't get me wrong, it's good to have character-oriented chapters, too, but always try to add a least a *little* of the plot in their to keep it relevant. of course, if this is about the lives of these kids, then it's plenty relevant, but if there's more to it, I'd try to add at least a little bit of that somewhere in there.

And that's about it! I hope this helped and didn't offend you any. If you need help with anything, want me to review something else, just want to talk, whatever, just let me know and I'd be happy to. Have a great day!

Sooo dialogue was a tad bit hard to follow but not a major concern. I haven't read the first two parts so not entirely sure what is going on but I still found this interesting and if I was in a book stoor just flicking through a book reading random pages to see if it grabs my attention I think this would have done the trick. So well done and great work I will definitely try to find time to go back and read your other post. Also, it was a really good move to explain the writing style at the beginning. Not sure if it was brought up a lot in other feedback if it was a great job in taking note of what can be seen as confusing I'm not an expert at grammar but your work does need some more commas.