Oh! What beautiful chaos! What pain and despair that overbears. The reality of actions and opportunities, as better given away to those elsewhere.
Oh! What horrid artistry! What the mind explores and becomes. The pain of the feeble temperament, That perceives its failures as fixed under the sun.
Oh! What crippled spirit! What soul that’s pieces are misshapen, from the man that without permission, takes. What a broken man that steals innocence from a girl too young for the heartache.
Oh! To those who have given up.
Oh! To those who have given in.
Oh! To those who have been forced to give away, That which they were to keep.
Oh! What single flower thrives? What broken habitat that it grows, as a singular life amongst the barren. That survives this world and reveals a rose.
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Prose poetry! I don't think I've read one of these since my experimental writing classes but thought I'd take a look
Again, I think the flow could be improved here by taking out that second exclamation mark, putting in a comma and switching 'what the mind' for 'that the mind'. At the moment the tone is distant and more questioning than making a statement but as soon as what becomes that, the tone is more definite and active.Specifics
1. I love the internal rhymes and half rhymes of the first two lines. I think perhaps you could have less punctuation there though to speed up the flow. The exclamation marks make it a bit halting and I think fast flowing would actually work better.
2.
3. This should be 'thats' without the apostrophe. You're using it for possession, but it doesn't work with 'thats'. You should only ever have that's when you mean to say that is. Apostrophes for possession come after names like Charlie's or Emma's but are skipped for its or thats.
4. I'm not sure about this part. Is any girl really too young for heartache? What age is too young? Is this implying a difference in age between the couple because I've known ten year old boys to break ten year old girls' hearts.
5. I'm not sure the repetition of oh is working. It's not an interesting phrase to have repeated and the tone very quickly becomes sarcastic or over dramatic and that takes away from the subject matter. These lines have a much stronger impact simply by stripping that word:
Overall
I'm not one hundred percent sure what the story behind this is and I think perhaps you're trying too hard to keep to a structure which doesn't fit the content. It's the kind of thing which would work better in satire or a children's poem but it clashes here with what seems to be a more serious context. I'm not entirely sure but the poem seems to be about a man forcing a woman but is it meant to be ironic? I don't understand where the tone of the poem fits in.
I love the internal rhyming and I think there's a good build up of imagery but I'm not sure what to take away from the piece and I can't help but feel like I'm missing the point. Perhaps this is meant to be dramatic and is a critique on how people blow assault claims out of proportion? It reminds me a little of older films and plays when the female characters pretend to need help, like Nancy in Oliver Twist, though more often with an older woman I think. The kind of 'put out, but not really' act.
Anyway, all the best with this!
~Heather
Hey,
First of all, I really loved the poem, you're diction is superb. I really enjoy the eloquent pompous tone of how the poem is written, and how every sentence starts with an Oh. It's really intriguing how three stories are presented, all very tragic in my opinion.
Starting with the first one, it really drew my attention because you managed to allude to the topic without just saying it, so basically a really good job showing instead of telling. I really like how you portrayed that people see everything as a stress, and become overwhelmed, and by doing that they ignore all the opportunities they have. The sentence starts with "what beautiful chaos" because we fail to see the good in all the world comes to offer to us
The second "story" is so is very conflicting, because i don't quite understand what it's saying. It comes out as a sort of freudian conflict to me, in this idea of being overpowered by our own temperament.
I love the use of the words man and girl, as it opposes each other. In my opinion it's talking about a love, as much as I disagree with some of the ideas of taking away something, I do love the syntax of this piece.
The last three lines, that reminisce on the poem, really sums up the ideas. In my opinion I would end the poem here. The last couple of lines don't really tie into the theme of the poem clearly. However, if you are strong on keeping those lines I would change the word beauty, mostly because you use it at the beginning of the story and because theirs a shift in those last lines, it would be better to use a different word.
I really liked this poem, it's extremely well written. It makes me want to read more.
Really good job
Keep on writing
Becca
I really appreciate your feedback. The last story is about a sexual assault I experienced in my freshmen year of college. I would have liked to convey the pain I felt in that moment. I feel the poem is to short to cut the last lines. Do you think it would be a solid poem to wrap up at the end of the "give up" lines?