Small voices they groan but no one listens.
their whispers emanate all around like a cloud of despondent moans.
The speak as if a world of emotions slept upon their shoulders.
Whispering the world's motives in their ears.
Their souls are filled to the brim,
An inner atmosphere where black and white comes to blows, where human nature procreates, blossoms, wilts, or grows.
These people see beyond you and me.
Their eyes only see our souls.
Aware of every law our heart makes and every law it breaks.
The whispered motives are carried to me, I begin to eat their pain.
My eyes become opened to the colors of those souls whispering in my ears.
Violet, emerald, bright yellow, blushing pink, crimson, and gold come closer and closer.
The colors of lives stuck behind the curtain of my eyes; now I see the soul eaters.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Hey.
Okay so, just one technical glitch. "The speak as if a world of emotions slept upon their shoulders. " I think you meant "they" right? A typo, I guess.
Otherwise, it was perfect. I loved it to the core, it was quite amazing. Like, a topic that is well versed is always the best. Somehow, the imagery here brought it out even more. I liked that.
I would love it if you would add something more to this. Like a little more about the soul and soul eaters. Not just the vision.
Keep writing and stay blessed.
xoxo
Hey Toto, I like your poem. The formation is a little awkward though but this is new to me and also enjoyable. Keep up the good work! I'd like to read some more of your works.
This my first time doing this so forgive me for my mistake.
First thing that i want to say is the lines, i know there are others that had already said it but this is just a reminder.
Second is the word itself. What are applying when your saying 'the speak as if though...' What is that the? and then theres 'to an inner...' This is probably just me, but it deosn't sound right.
Alright since i'm not a good reviewer this much is okay i guess and i don't really whether the words you use are poems one or not. My suggestion to you is read it again and see what you need to fix.
Anyway, this a good poem. Keep up the good work.
This is a connection problem post, sorry the real one up there ^
It's my first time to see a poem written in this format. I don't know if there really is a poem like this. I think it would be much better if you break this into several lines; that way I think, it could make a stronger impact on your readers.
I'll give this poem 3 out of 5 stars.
I like this poem. I really do. I have a few nitpicks to address, but other than that, I want to say I do like this poem.
First of all, I was a bit daunted when I first saw the format of this poem, which is one reason I figure other reviewers and readers may have passed. It read more like prose than a legit poem. So first, I would suggest revising the format quite a bit. Break the poem into manageable and sensible lines, instead of putting several lines on one line of content.
For instance: "these people see beyond you and me. Their eyes only see our souls. Aware of every law our heart" could be broken into several lines easily.
Read your poem out loud, as well. Pause whenever you encounter a period. That should help you determine where your breaks need to be.
Other than that, good job, and as always, keep on writing.
Hello Jared! Thank you for the review! I have done some revising. Would you mind taking a look? I really would appreciate some feedback.