Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Jettison blues
And pinks, and reds
A vile muse
Like syrup spreads
Gooey and sweet
Caught in a lump
A slab of concrete
A jarring jump
Two skinning fingers
Blush and stained
The taste'll linger
And I am drained.
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Canary word: Present
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126,958 Literary Works • 672,943 Reviews
Hey,
This is good but I have a small suggestion.
Maybe you should add a little more into what the pov person about all of this? Maybe why they feel they need to do this.
You did a good job of getting the bile described but maybe go a little beyond that?
It's a tough subject but otherwise, you did well.
Good job, keep writing!
-Radio
Hey,
This is good but I have a small suggestion.
Maybe you should add a little more into what the pov person about all of this? Maybe why they feel they need to do this.
You did a good job of getting the bile described but maybe go a little beyond that?
It's a tough subject but otherwise, you did well.
Good job, keep writing!
-Radio
Hey so one thing I did notice. You are forgetting about all the periods/commas at the end of each line! I know to some, the commas/periods don't matter. They very much do. Especially when you are writing poetry. I know this is probably supposed to be dirty, but to others, this could be something else, it could mean something so Innocent, and gentle, or innocent and dangerous. In some ways this is dirty, but in so many other ways this is so innocent! Please keep writing. It's worth it! Writing is an amazing skill to develop! And I know you can do it! You're very talented! You're very creative! You can do so much more than you think you can! I strongly encourage you to do an adult fantasy fiction story! I think it would be amazing! Good luck in the near future! I believe you can do anything you put your mind to!
Have a blessed day!
~Ash Perdew
P.S. Good luck! And don't forget:
Keep a smile on that amazing face and never forget how talented you are! Don't forget about all the happy moments that are soon to come in the future! Even When Life brings you down, You can accomplish so much more!