Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
Warnings: none too joyous, abhorrent lack of commas, slightly gruesome for a line and contains unoriginal references to another poem of mine. My grievous apologies.
Nicked her knuckles one by one
Smiled dimly, tugging up her sleeve
A dozen clouds to a single sun
Someday to float ‘way and leave
~-~-
A long dulled grin and colorless laugh
With eyes so very dark while graced with light
Digging scissors through the flesh of her calf
Bloody wings in the study hall, vain of flight
~-~-
She’s sending pictures of scarlet wounds
“Trending now: #hatemyself”
The bloodloss-boys love to make her swoon
Gifts of teddy bears and razors dance on the shelf
~-~-
She’s just another overacted queen
Playing with scissors and cutting ‘way skin
Overdosed on teenage Dramamine
She wants to be dead, but first she has to be thin.
~-~-
* Note that overdosing on Dramamine may cause hallucinations. Regardless of what you see, remember, it's not really there.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,730 Reviews
What an interesting poem! It intrigued me from the very first line - "Nicked her knuckles one by one". Your flow, rhyme, and word choice is very excellent. Your descriptive words get the eerie mood and tone across. "Digging scissors through the flesh of her calf" - dang, this line caught my breath. I like how you managed to make all the ending words exact rhymes, something that I envy because rhyming is a skill that I'm rather bad at.
Something that I found interesting in your poem is that scissors and razors are mentioned, but knives aren't. Personally, I tend to match self-harm with cutting with knives, so it was interesting to not see knives mentioned in your poem at all.
My two favorite lines in this poem were "A dozen clouds to a single sun", because it shows how bleak her life was and gave more insight on her character, and "'Trending now: #hatemyself '", because it kind of reflects how self-harm, technology, and society relates to each other, if that makes sense?
If I had any complaints, it would be a little confusion about the last stanza. It says, "She's just another overacted queen", and I took that she was exaggerating and she was looking for attention, although this line could have been sarcastic. Then, the last line says, "She wants to be dead, but first she has to be thin", which doesn't really relate to what I had thought and interpreted of the first line of that stanza. However, I probably just interpreted it in an odd way. By the way, I really did like your last line, because it ends the poem is a final and resolute way.
Overall, I really enjoyed your poem! Keep writing!
Thank you so much for reviewing! Sorry if the last stanza seems a little odd. I wrote the poem specifically about a friend of mine who has never, well, used knives like that but rather scissors. And "overacted queen" was meant to be sarcastic, because no matter how many times she went for help, every teacher thought it was an exaggeration. The last line is because she has been struggling with anorexia along with depression. Thank you for the constructive criticism and have an awesome day!
TopHatsUniversal,
This is a great representation of what some people may go through when they are considered suicidal. I would like to congratulate you on your work, and how effectively you portrayed this piece. I was even reminded of my own experience with depression. I love your use of description and absolutely LOVE the flow of your piece! Write on!
With love,
SpencerReidIsMyLife
Thank you so much! I hope you have an awesome day today and tomorrow and the next day and... Well, thank you!
I am a horror or eerie writer myself, and find writings like this get my interest. I'm not entirely morbid, but when you write about her being on Dramamine, are you saying that the harm that she is doing to herself isn't real? Or that the damage is all in her mind and not actually physically happening? I like the simplicity of how you word your poems, not putting too much in each line. These two lines, are the ones that I adore most.
"A long dulled grin and colorless laugh"
With eyes so very dark while graced with light"
Although I'm left with wanting a bit more. If I may suggest adding a bit more towards the end to complete the mood as well as the imagery that your giving. Over all, well done.
Thanks for reviewing! Sorry if it seemed confusing, when I mentioned Dramamine I meant she was seeing flaws in her body and herself that weren't there. Thank you very much for the constructive criticism- have a nice day!
Ah, I see. You too!