A dozen crystals- hanging to some tired noose
From a dulcet smile with rotting teeth
Such origins of an eye, put to this misuse
Signing ‘way friendships to bequeath.
~-~-
Her memories twirl within the mirror- a clique of skeletons
Dancing, long since prudent with teenaged Dramamine
She took such pills and overdosed on pestilence
Delusional and dancing still, she was the only shell to be seen.
~-~-
She spoke softly with shadows, though they sunk into dark
Swirling in a colourless mist, as though dissolved or simply lost
Their soft words were too light against each heaving remark
Their comfort too quick to exhaust.
~-~-
My friend, your grave is none so deep
Though its gardens remain so fallow
We’ll bury bright bulbs to preserve and keep
And they’ll grow to rise tomorrow.
~-~-
Perhaps, one will wilt, or come near so
But an understanding will exude
To the red roses and those a wearied grey
There’s still a sun beneath solitude.
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140,644 Literary Works • 673,577 Reviews
Tophats,
First and foremost I love the pitch. The idea and inspiration for this is gold and relatable. Who doesn't have battles with themselves in front of a mirror? I think the gems in here really stand out, but there's a lot here that could use some cutting.
Mostly, the rhymes. I don't think they do the work a favor, especially a work like this which is full to the brim with ideas. The rhymes really come out forced: fallow/tomorrow part especially and because of that, the lines are overlong and exhausting. The first stanza has this long, drawn out way of speaking when you can just say what you mean: temptation sucks! I think an honest voice, no-nonsense, say-what-you-mean more free-verse style will suit the idea better, simply because the rhymes sort of strangle the idea and muddles it up. Plus, it adds more distance because there's a sense of formality, and wouldn't it suit you better if instead of formality, you try writing with a sense of realness and authenticity?
Honesty and authenticity in a poem is something that is really difficult for a writer to get to terms with, because we want to equate it with "false vs. true" but what I'm really talking about when I say honesty in poetry is more like "show vs. tell". We see people facing their nightmares and being vulnerable every day and why not bring us to those moments and share it with us? I think that the "prudents" and the "dramamines" and "pestilence" words here are diluting your content. Where the poem really rings strong is when it's at it's most simple:
I hope this helps.
~ as always, Audy
Wow, I'm obsessed with this. I knew I'd enjoy this from the description of it; I expected to at the least, but you still surprised me. Firstly, before I forget, I love love love your level of diction throughout this piece. So many enjoyable words that really paint a deeper picture as cliche as that sounds. It just flows so nicely, which is rare with a piece of such high sophistication. Secondly, the structure is a little lacking. The length is perfect, but separating this into stanzas can add another dimension to this piece! Just a suggestion though
Another amazing tool you used is your rhyme scheme. It is a simple pattern, but that's all you need ESPECIALLY when you have such amazing tools to use along with the pattern. Besides the structure, I have no constructive opinions to share. The piece seems to be grammatically correct! Hope to enjoy more pieces written so beautifully by you!
Your friend,
Cheaper
Thank you! I meant to put in stanzas but I still don't know how to use this site yet (insert cry-face). Again, thank you for reviewing and have a great day!
Thank you! I meant to put in stanzas but I still don't know how to use this site yet (insert cry-face). Again, thank you for reviewing and have a great day!
I'm not sure if you upload it from word or anything, but if you do, check the box that says "preserve whitespace" before you hit load and it will upload to the documents original format
and anytime!
Hi TopHatsUniversal! Cakerissa reporting for Reviewing!
I'm just going to say it strait out. I didn't understand more than half of this poem. And, from the parts I did understand, the poem was jumping onto lots of different topics. I liked how you used descriptive words. I didn't think the description worked very well with the content of the poem, but the title was appropriate. In grammar, I noticed that on the end of your sentences, you didn't put a lot of punctuation. If it's not the end of the sentence, just add a comma. I hope I wasn't too harsh!
Keep writing!
Cakerissa
It's not too harsh at all! Thank you for being my first reviewer- take a digital medal, soldier! The poem is about a friend of mine who is struggling with an eating disorder, self harm, depression and memories of past bullying. But yeah, it is rather random sounding. I have a habit of leaving out commas in poetry (Oops), but thank you- I appreciate your report soldier but would prefer if you remembered to salute first! (Thank you!)