z

Young Writers Society


12+

Secrets

by TopHatsUniversal


(This is a story I wrote for a competition with a limited amount of words allowed. I won the competition, which felt awesome, but the story may seem very quick. Sorry! Also- warnings: light horror and suspense, as well as based on a lyric from the song "Secrets").

It’s dark as I write it. If she’s followed me, it’s unlikely she’ll bother to read this. I need to finish quickly. This is my legacy. I don’t care if you adults believe it, but make sure to show your children. Warn them. Tell it as a story, a terrible, terrible story, if you must, but tell them. Making promises to the dead is bad luck, but promise me none the less.

By now you must be wondering who ‘she’ is. She is something indescribable, with big, wide eyes of vantablack that never seem to blink. Her hair is equally dark, and falls past her shoulders like frenzied rain. Oftentimes, the ends of her hair will be dyed in something scarlet and dry. Yes, it’s blood. She’ll tell it’s not, and she’ll cock her deathly-white head in confusion and you’ll want to believe her, but you can’t. And she’s not really a ‘she’. I believe her to be genderless, ageless, and merciless.

Pray you don’t meet her. God forbid you speak to her. Lord have mercy if she decides to ‘trust’ you.

She’ll observe you- for days, months, and maybe even years. You won’t notice, she’ll just be another face in the shadows. Know this: that branch that tapped your window last night was no branch. The creaking on the stairs wasn't mere dilapidation. The child walking slowly behind you, your entire journey home, was no coincidence.

Whatever you do, don’t meet her eye. That is a universal sign of trust- you must never trust her. If you trust her, she’ll choose to trust you next.

But oh, if you do, she’ll stroll right up to you. She’ll be wearing a plain black dress, with three buttons against her chest. Two somewhat muddy white stockings will hide the hundreds of little scars down her legs, and the foot of her shoe will be completely flat. I don’t believe her to have toes. Her fingers, as she reaches to shake your hand, will resemble claws. Don’t be polite as I was, and assume it to be some sort of deformity. Ask her about it. If you’re lucky, she’ll stare at you for a moment, then turn and walk away. If not, she’ll smile, pulling a long mouth into a pointy grin. When she does so, you may as well be dead.

She’ll ask you to kneel down if you’re tall, or if you’re not, she’ll lean over and whisper into your ear, “Can you keep my secret?” And, dear God, don’t agree. Don’t choose to humour the little girl. Tell her no. Tell her no, walk away, and never look back. With any luck, you’ll never see her again.

However, if you have said yes, you can never take it back. If you try to, you’ll end up like me. She’ll beam at you, and you will feel amazing. Her smiles are like drugs. I’m afraid I overdosed.

Then, she’ll put her arms around your neck in a hug, though consider it more like an attempt at strangling you. She’ll murmur something, so quietly you’ll ache to hear it, and you’ll wish you never did.

She’ll smile again, and you’ll feel something akin to fear.

Next day you’ll realize that she is very protective. Every stranger or friend that offends you is placed under her curse, and she’ll glare, a horrific, evil glare, unfit for a child’s face-

(Oh my. It seems I have I have been found out. I’m a fool to have believed I could remember without screaming. She’ll be coming for me. Soon.

I must hurry). Yes, she’ll glare, but she’ll do worse. She’ll hurt them, hurt them in terrifying ways! The artists will paint scarlet! The fighters will battle themselves! The writers will direct their own ends!

And you will be blamed.

You see, she did tell you a secret that day. Her name. And as you cry out how you never did it- how she did- everyone will stare. Because you were the only one to know her name. The only one alive.

She’ll approach you, be it in the police station or wherever you’re hiding, and she’ll frown.

“You told my secret,” she’ll hum, titling her head like an angel. “You can’t keep my secret  anymore.”

Because-

(She’s here. She’s here. I’m sorry. Tell them all I’m sorry!)

Two can’t keep a secret, if one of them is dead.”


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Mon Feb 08, 2016 8:34 am
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boonalicious123 wrote a review...



I am so impressed!! I'm a horror fanatic and I can get a little picky when it comes to what I read/watch/listen to, and I want to read more, I want you to bring more into it! My curiosity is KILLING ME through the computer screen! A lot of the time things that I read (besides Stephen King) don't really give me chills, or make me cringe or anything. But this one tops most of the horror stories I've read thus far! FANTASTIC JOB!!!






Thank you so much! And, yes, Stephen King is an overlord of horror. Have an awesome day and thanks again!



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Mon Feb 08, 2016 7:41 am
CreativelyWritten wrote a review...



Oh TopHatsUniversal I am beyond impressed. I love horror but I must say writing never really has the affect that I think horror should have. I do enjoy reading but to be truly scared I mostly have to watch something. But not with this! I was hooked from the beginning. I read your author's note at the beginning and was prepared for a story that was horribly rushed and made no sense.

But no! I was intrigued. You kept my interest without giving anything away. And your villain is delightfully creepy.

I'm sorry if this review is choppy and disjointed. I just wanted to tell you how very much I enjoyed your story. The only suggestion I have is that maybe you should explain why it is that you're blamed for everything. I get that you are the only one that knows her name but are you the only one that can see her too? I know you had a limited amount of words and you by no means have to follow my suggestion. Love, love, loved it.

CreativelyWritten






Thank you so much for your review! You have a good point there with your superior logic- why is the person blamed for everything? I just imagined that she was "just another face in the crowds" until she approached you. Thank you so much and have an awesome day!





I was just wondering. I wasn't trying to one up you or anything... But I truly loved this story. <3





Oh god no! Sorry, I didn't mean to to insult you or anything! I wasn't being sarcastic when I said 'superior logic'- I actually meant it. I never notice holes in my plots, so I'm genuinely thankful you pointed it out! I'm so sorry if it sounded like I was being sarcastic, and I hope you have a great day!





I wasn't trying to assume you were being rude. I just always assume I'm annoying everybody





Sorry, I'm always paranoid that I'm annoying people, but in a rude way. I didn't find you annoying whatsoever though, so best wishes and have an amazing day!



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Sun Feb 07, 2016 4:18 pm
Meerkat wrote a review...



Hiya, TopHatsUniversal. I'm Meerkat here with a review.

Congrats on winning a competition, that's quite an accomplishment! You certainly develop a feeling of tension and an eerie atmosphere in the story.

Some notes:
-the narrator says that 'she' is indescribable, but then proceeds to describe her. It just seems a bit conflicting, is all.
-"vantablack" is a pretty specific substance. I realize that you need to express the dark, abyss-like quality of 'her' eyes, but the description made me assume at first that they were literally Vertically Aligned NanoTube Arrays. :D Perhaps "eyes like obsidian" or something would work better. It could also connect well to her never seeming to blink.
-"I believe her to be genderless, ageless, and merciless." No criticism here, I just love the flow of this line.
-throughout the story, you sometimes use a hyphen(-) where a dash(—) would be more appropriate. "That is a universal sign of trust- you must never trust her," for example.
-the narrator explains what 'she' would do in situations that he has not actually experienced. How do they know that this happens to other people, that 'she' acts differently in certain instances? Surely they would only be able to tell about their own experiences and fate, right?
-the lines in parentheses break the flow somewhat. They do imply a sense of desperation, but it seems unusual for something that is being written with haste. Someone writing a log before their impending doom would not presumably write in this manner.
-in the final line, shouldn't it read, "Two CAN keep a secret, if one of them is dead"?

Overall, I really liked the tone you set, as well as the sense of mystery shrouding this terrifying 'she.' It was a great story, and very chilling at the end. Fantastic job with the ambiguity of who (or what) the evil really is. Some things could be improved, true, but this was for the most part very well-written. Congratulations again on winning that contest!

I'm trying to switch things up with my reviews, so here's a fun fact: Vantablack can absorb up to 99.965% of light radiation in the visible spectrum (thanks, Wikipedia).

Anyway, have a great day, and keep writing! :)






Thank you so much for reviewing! You make too many good points, sir. I appreciate your constructive criticism, and your information on Vantablack has transformed my whole day! However, again, your logic is almost too much for my heart to handle, and I can't believe I never noticed the gazillion flaws... oops. Thank you very much and have an awesome day!



Meerkat says...


No problem. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read a great story!



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Sat Feb 06, 2016 9:14 pm
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Lavvie wrote a review...



Hi there!

First of all, congratulations on winning the writing competition! I don't know useful my review will be in that case, though...

I don't know the song that the story is based off of, but I don't think it's terribly crucial to my understanding, since it's just one lyric. I definitely think you did the lyric justice (I am assuming it is the italicized sentence at the very end of the story) and your lead-up was pretty good. You've definitely fabricated an aura of suspense and creepiness which I guess is important in a piece like this. So kudos to you!

I kind of understand what is driving the narrator to write the story. It is obvious that he wants to communicate the awfulness of the girl. Still, I don't see any particular reason for the people addressed to listen to the narrator. Clearly, there is the fear motivator, but what is going to make the people actually believe in what the narrator has to say? It's a fairly far-out scenario that your narrator is describing and usually in horror, the average Joe doesn't listen when they're supposed to – they're depicted as stubborn humans clueless of 'reality'. I would like you to identify a more obvious motivator for the people to listen to what the narrator has to say, aside from fear. It needs to be more convincing, because that's what horror is often all about – a situation that is totally absurd but definitely convincing.

I am a little iffy about the ending with the side-comments in parentheses. I felt like your story was fairly solid until the asides came in and then things felt just a little cheesy. Either do without or find a way to make the asides seem more legitimate and less childlike and cliche. I think the fate of the narrator is fairly obvious without the asides, considering the last line and the emphasis on the word 'dead'. You know, sometimes you gotta make the reader work for it ;)

A few nitpicks:

She’ll be wearing a plain black dress, with three buttons against her chest.


The last part is a little strange and brings to mind three buttons literally against her bare chair, although I don't think that's what you actually mean. Try: "...with three buttons down the front." Or something along those lines.

However, if you have said yes.


Try: "However, if you say yes,"

Overall, there is a solid thing going on here and you've done well with the second person narration. Sometimes, that can be a little challenging to pull of but you've succeeded with strong narration and a very explicit goal in said narration. Of course, there are just a few things to work on. Other than that, well done! Thanks for a nice read.

Best,
Lav






Thank you for reading! And yes, it is likely cheesy to the extreme level of pizza. I have no excuses. I appreciate the constructive criticism and will probably drastically edit this story someday. Thank you, and have an awesome day!




cron
What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god -- the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals!
— William Shakespeare