Golden Twilight
On that hill of memories, long bygone,
In this house of tragedies, unforgotten,
Under the leaves of these grand cypress woods,
Everywhere I look, you don’t come back; can’t.
During the twilight’s last gleaming, tears fall,
Not just worrying ‘bout you, but us too.
Our relationship, cut too short, damaged.
How I wish you didn’t go, staying a bit more.
“Til death do us part”, was a mere fortnight long.
How I wish time could stop and rewind back,
Giving me a chance, to right all my wrongs.
Only then, will I be able to meet you.
But unsure of whether that day’ll ever come,
I stay silent, watching the crepuscular clouds.
Love did me empty, but it didn’t do me dirty,
As I still think of you, looking over the twilight.
Canaries Fly
Darling, do you hear?
The crisp autumn leaves,
Fluttering like spring petals in winter’s breeze.
Summer, do you hear?
Fresh leaves of trees,
Housing sons and daughters of these very canaries.
Oh, how fast and fleeting seasons can be,
Here, then gone the very next day.
Oh, how young these birds used to be,
But now that spring’s here, fly high my dears.
Lemon Tree
Hi to all that pass by!
Want a refreshing lemon from me?
Pluck one out and go on by!
Hi to all that pass by!
Want to play in my fallen leaves?
Take a stroll then pass on by!
Hi to all that pass by!
Want my trunk for winter fuel?
Cut me down and pass on by!
Hi to all that pass on by!
Want to rest on this big ol’ stump?
Take a sit and pass on by!
Hi to all that pass on by,
I realized this truly far too late…
In order for others to cherish me,
I needed to cherish myself first.
Forsythia Wind
In a dark midnight dreary,
And in noon’s unknown revery,
You change,
Little by little,
From summer’s viridescence,
To autumn’s ineffable gold.
When wind blows a zephyr,
A whiff of cold that never falters,
You laugh,
Beaming with purity.
That smile, I wished to have never left,
A smile, that I wished to have protected.
You were far too innocent to realize,
That the leaves would fall, leaving you bone dry.
Though naked,
You’re still the idealist.
Still thinking the best in people; optimistic,
Unlike my distrust rooted in betrayal; nihilistic.
Sunflower Field
Ah, a field where sunshine never stops.
A place where joyous laughter echoes on.
That’s the place where I am, dear.
A kind of location hidden from life’s hecticity.
Sunflowers sunflowers,
Face the sun in joy’s equinox.
Sunflowers sunflowers,
With both joy and sorrow, equal.
Sunflowers sunflowers,
Guide me into an everlasting summer.
A field of tall, familiar sunflowers.
Meet me there during sunset.
The setting sky, I wish to show you dear.
Enigmatic is the present, but the future’s of clarity.
Sunflowers sunflowers,
Face the sun in summer haze.
Sunflowers sunflowers,
Let my mind and body come here.
Sunflowers sunflowers,
Let your fields be my final resting place.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hello fellow member of Team Green! Valkyria here with a review for Review Day! Let's get into it:
I loved reading this collection. I noticed the major themes were about nature, nostalgia, and bittersweetness. Each poem hit those themes very well. They were so beautiful to read.
On a mechanical level, I spotted commas in lines that didn't need them. For example:
The commas make the flow of the lines feel stilted, especially when they're read aloud. I suggest combing through the poems by reading them aloud to figure out which commas are necessary and which aren't.
Overall, well done!
Hi there Toast! Lim here with a review.
As a whole, some of the repeating motifs I noticed here are nature, innocence and time. All the poems feature the natural world to some extent (imagery of hills and clouds in the first one, the seasons and birds in ‘Canaries Fly’, the lemon tree, the wind and lastly sunflowers). I think there’s a theme of innocence underlying these poems. For example, in Lemon Tree, the speaker moves from being naive or innocent to becoming wise but jaded about how to get others to cherish them. ‘Canaries Fly’ also has that theme of innocence being lost through time, with the birds seeming to grow up very quickly.
I’ll try to focus on two poems from the collection: ‘Forsythia Wind’ and ‘Sunflower Field’.
‘Forsythia Wind’ is interesting in that it shows someone who starts off as innocent continue to keep some of that innocence, whereas the speaker in contrast describes themself as having become distrustful of others. The “you” is depicted as being resilient, changing with the seasons but never becoming bitter.
Something I like about this poem is the imagery. You use an extended metaphor comparing the “you” to a tree, and develop it throughout the poem, which is neat. I like the phrases “summer’s viridescence” and “autumn’s ineffable gold”, and the reveal in the last stanza that “the leaves would fall” also has an impact.
Something you might want to think about is the depiction of the “I”. After reading, I feel like I have less of an idea of who the “I” is compared to the “you”. I think that’s important since the final line the poem sends us off with is about the “I”. What is this “betrayal” the “I” talks about? And how is it shown through the poem that the “I” is “nihilistic”?
Finally, another thing I like about the poem is your use of parallelism, for example:
These two lines have a similar structure, starting with “in” and then describing the atmosphere, and that’s followed up with:
First a preposition ‘from/to’ and then the noun phrase image. This sort of repetition helps to highlight the images and also emphasise the idea of change - change through the time of day and through the seasons.
‘Sunflower Field’ begins with it seeming like the speaker is talking about a literal place “hidden from life’s hecticity”. By the end, there also seems to be symbolic meaning to the sunflowers as the speaker desires them to be “my final resting place”, hinting at a wish for peace and joy at the end of one’s life. There is also the theme of time, with the field described as somewhere “sunshine never stops”, an “everlasting summer”. I interpreted the “future’s of clarity” to mean that the speaker is sure this sunflower field lies ahead, even if things are less joyful right now - so maybe the sunflower field represents something like a peaceful old age.
Something I like about your writing here is your use of repetition. I kind of like the idea of a line that’s just “Sunflowers sunflowers” - the lack of punctuation in between seems to emphasise how dense the sunflower field is, so many sunflowers they all seem to bleed together.
Something to think about is where in the poem you can cut words. The poem doesn’t seem to be trying to fit a particular form or meter, so I think you have more freedom here to leave some things out. For example, are “Ah” and “dear” the best ways to convey the speaker’s mood and attitude towards the “you”? Or is “I wish to show you” and “Meet me there during sunset” as well as the other images enough? Another line to consider:
Do you need “kind of” there to convey your meaning? Cutting down on words can help to focus the reader’s attention on parts of the poem you consider to be the central elements.
Another thing I liked is how you used imperatives like “Face the sun” and “Guide me”. I feel like that makes the speaker’s voice sound more intense, emphasising the emotions of appreciation and longing regarding the ‘sunflower fields’.
Overall, I think the imagery and general structure of the poems in this collection are solid. My main feedback would be to consider the details - which figures/ characters are important and how do you show that in the poem? What phrases and images do you most want people to focus on? Otherwise, this was an interesting read, with a variety of takes on time, innocence and the natural world.
Hope this helps, and keep writing!
-Lim
What an amazing anathology! I’ll definitely find time to write review later!
Hello, My Friend!
It’s me, Raven, and I’m here to review this poetry collection! Technically this isn't the real Familiar method, as it doesn't work great for poetry, but Imma call it that anyway XD Let’s dive right in, shall we?
Oh wow! Your poetry is absolutely stunning!! I loved all five of these pieces, picking them apart will be tricky...
Golden Twilight: I glean a sense of nostalgia and sorrow from all of these pieces, which just makes them tie together even more beautifully, but this poem especially stood out with themes of reminiscence. The way it talks about lost love is just so deep and beautiful.
Canaries Fly: I loved the perspective in this poem, and the structure. Short but very sweet, it gave me a sense of passing time and nature that I enjoyed.
Lemon Tree: This one really fascinated me--the "tree" endures everything the people throw at it, and it gives everything it has until essentially nothing is left of it. It feels like a sobering exploration of the balance between self-sacrifice and self-care, which really is an important topic for people to explore--and I'm glad you shared this bit with us to help!
Forsythia Wind: Probably my favorite in terms of writing, because this one literally has Poe vibes to it and I was absolutely loving that. Not just the word choice or writing style, but the somber mood that builds up all the way through to the end. Just Gothically gorgeous, very much enjoyed that.
Sunflower Field: Love the use of repetition in this piece, and this one is also interesting in the sense that I get those feelings of nostalgia at first--very innocent, full of sunshine, hits a bit of a childhood note like snowfall or gingerbread would (<--sorry I couldn't resist heh). Then the poem seems to fade into that moment of staring down the end of a lifetime. And being a nerd for floriography, I also just love the multi-faceted meaning sunflowers bring to the piece. Sunshine, adoration, friendship, loyalty--it's overall another beautiful piece!
As for a more technical review, well...I can't really think of anything to say! In fairness, I'm not the best critic of poetry, but seriously--I can't think of a single thing to complain about here, everything is just so good!!
Favorite lines and the like, ooo, that's tricky. But I would have to say...
This line is not only great, but this ending of thinking of someone, "looking over the twilight," also gives a feeling of...I feel like there's a better word, but I'm going to say acceptance?? Maybe fulfillment?? Either way, it's a very peaceful way to end that poem and I really enjoyed it.
Yes!! This, to just drive home the message of the Lemon Tree, was incredibly satisfying to read!
Love all of this--love the opening, love the rhyme, love the analogies and the resulting visuals. Sorry that's not really substantive, but I wanted to say it XD
Overall, that was a great collection! Nicely done!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
omg what an amazing review!! normally, i like to write anthologies specifically because it is kind of hard to write a full review on just a single poem, so I more or less write poems in a certain theme.
Haha, im glad you enjoyed the Poe reference there. Some others that were there were the lyrics from Star Spangled Banner (During the twilights last gleaming, tears fall), and basically the Lemon Tree is a ripoff version of the giving tree that has more self awareness.
Also, though (to put it in your words) your review may not have been the most substantive, there were still a lot of insights that I learned from just your process of reviewing! For example, i wanted to emphasize certain parts, but other parts cuaght your eye instead etc.
Also, the ending of Golden twilight of someone looking over you is a reference to the japanese word for Twilight (its Tasogare, search it up!)