On the night of the 23rd, a storm was brewing. The sky gloomed and loomed over the town as roofs cast shadows down the streets and nooks. In a small, two storey house halfway up the hill lived Emily. She lived with her mother Emilia, her grandmother Emma, and her grandfather Paul. Emily was knitting a small burgundy scarf to gift her friend when her hands froze as she heard the roars of the sky. After a moment to look outside the sky, taking note that the window was still dry, she continued knitting.
A clicking sound came from the hallway as the doorknob turned. Emily’s mom, Emilia, came home with a muddy rag of timbre for fire. Emilia struggled with both her hands, grasping at the diagonal ends of the rag to drag it in. After reaching the fireplace, she unwrapped the rag and started gently placing the timbre one by one inside the flame. The stack of logs was unstable, as if one small move would make it collapse, killing the fire at any minute. Emily stopped her hands again, turning her head and observing Emilia.
“Need any ‘elp, ma?” She asked
“Nah, it’s fine. Can you call grandma over? There's some shrooms in the rag we can use for t’night and I wanna know if they’re safe.”
“Aight.”
Emily ran up the creaky spruce stairs to call on grandma. She opened the bedroom door but only grandpa Paul was there, reading the front row columns of the news.
“Grandpa, you know where grandma Emma is?” Emily asked.
Paul glanced up from the paper and shook his head. “No, she popped outside fer sommat earlier but I’ve fergot. Should be back in a jiffy, though.”
Emily went back downstairs and popped into the kitchen where her mother was now at to tell her the news. Then she returned to the living room and sat by the window to continue her knitting.
As she continued on her hands, she was finally around two thirds done with the scarf. By then, the sky had completely darkened and rain droplets were streaming down the window. Grandma Emma was still not home.
With dinner time coming closer and closer, Emilia got worried about her mother. Her raincoat was still hanging on the coat rack and none of the umbrellas were taken. She wondered if her mother was stuck inside a building, waiting out the rain, or, in the worst case, soaking wet in the harsh winds of the storm. That latter thought filled Emilia with dread. She frantically gathered Paul and Emily to inform them about the situation.
“Mam’s gone missin’. We’ve gotta get out there an’ look fer ‘er!” Emilia said in a panicking tone.
“Whar do ya reckon she’s gone t’? It’ll take ages for us t’ find ‘er! Best we ring the police.” Paul objected, trying to calm Emilia down.
“Ma, you can ring the police. I’ll go out to look for ‘er.” Emily said, putting on her coat.
“No, you ring the police. I’ll go out lookin’ for ‘er.”
Emilia put on her coat and headed outside to look for Emma and Emily rang the police. She informed them of what little she could recall of her this morning, as well as grandpa’s testimony earlier this evening. It wasn’t much to go off of, but they said they’ll try their best.
An hour, maybe two, had passed, and nothing had happened. Emily and Paul were anxiously waiting at the dining table, waiting for the sound of jingling keys to break the tense atmosphere. That sound never came. As an ultimatum, Paul decided that he’d go out to look for her as well. Emily tried to convince him to stay, but she was also secretly thinking that she should join him. Paul sternly told his granddaughter to sit still and behave while he went out looking for Emma. He put on his worn down trench coat and an umbrella and headed out.
It was nearly midnight, yet Emily was still alone in the house. The house was empty, but the sound of wind and rain filled the walls and roofs of the house, echoing all around. Emily started to grow worried. Then, dreary. The thought of all her family being dead crossed her mind; more than once even. However, she kept shaking it off, grasping at hope that they’d all come back with a big smile and cozy up by the fireplace to warm up from the rain outside.
The sound of rain was interrupted by Emily’s stomach growling. She hadn’t eaten anything for nearly half a day, and she could feel it. Her stomach was grumbling at the fact that no nutrition had entered the body since noon. As she curled herself up, her eyes fleeted over towards the kitchen.
She went to see what was inside. Mom’s rag was there with timbre piled on it. On the kitchen top, though, she saw mushrooms. They were washed and seemed to have been boiled. Not being able to resist the hunger, she stepped into the kitchen and started munching on the mushrooms. They weren’t great, but at least they were edible.
As she was consuming the shrooms, a knock came on the door. She excitedly ran to get it. Opening the door, she was disappointed to realize that it wasn’t Emilia, Emma, or Paul. Instead, it was a brunette boy with a weird ring on his head.
“May I come in?” The boy asked.
“Who’re ya?”
“My name is Gabriel. I am seeking shelter from this rain.”
After contemplating for some time, Emily said, “aight, but you better not try anythin’ funny.”
The boy seemed to be quite tall and elegant, possibly one of those fancy university students. He had an outfit that definitely felt out of town, at the very least. However, scanning his scrawny body, Emily thought she could easily take him on if anything ever happened. Gabriel came in, wandering his eyes around the cramped and dark interior.
“Look, it ain’t nothin’ much. Stop judging my ‘ouse so much. Jus’ sit down an’ wait fer the rain t’ pass.” Emily said.
“Your parents… and grandparents… they are missing, aren’t they?”
“H- how’d you know?” Emily said, her eyes popping out of her sockets at what he said.
“If you go now… It is not too late.”
“Who… who are you?”
“I told you; Gabriel.”
With what almost felt like a spell, Emily felt tempted to believe in this boy’s words with all her heart. Maybe she could really find where ma, grandma, and grandpa were if she went out to look for them now. With a stern expression, masking some of the fear of going out in the dark, she grabbed an umbrella and headed out. Before she did, she turned around. The boy wasn’t there though, as if the knock a couple minutes earlier had never happened.
The harsh winds of the storm pounded on the umbrella, each raindrop sounding louder than the last. Emily persevered through, making her way down the slippery road with careful steps to not tumble over. She knew that the town was far too large to wander aimlessly around in. She needed to think of a place, or a building where her family members would most likely be at.
First, she tried the church. Grandma often went there whenever she felt down; her connection to God was her greatest medicine. She wasn’t there. She then tried the library, where both ma and grandma would hang out before picking her up from school. They weren’t there either. Grandpa used to hang out in the bar a block south from the library, but he was nowhere to be seen there.
Panic stirring in her chest, she ran down to the park, where at the very least there was a small gazebo to cover her from the rain. She stood in the middle, hope fading from her eyes. Then she saw someone she recognized. They were wearing an exotic, fancy outfit. It was the boy… what’s his name… Gabriel.
She called him over, but he was out of range to hear her. Then, with a sudden gust of wind, Emily shielded her eyes and squinted them hard. When she opened her eyes again, he was gone. Nowhere to be found-
“Are you looking for something?”
Emily jumped at the voice coming from behind her. Turning around, she saw Gabriel looming over her.
“How’d ya get ‘ere so fast?” She exclaimed.
“I travel fast.”
Emily scanned Gabriel’s body once again, however she found it weird that he was completely dry. His hair seemed to be fluffy with no moisture at all, and even his clothes were as dry as the townsfolk’s sense of humor.
“What on reyt earth are you?” Emily asked.
“I am an angel.”
“Swear?”
“On God’s holy name, I am telling the truth.”
“Then can you ‘elp me find my family?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“I am not supposed to interfere with human events. I am here for a different purpose.”
“That is?”
“I can not say.”
The wind was getting stronger, and rain started flying in from the sides of the gazebo, hitting Emily’s face from the left. She tried to ask more questions, but the angel cut her short before leaving again. After processing what had just happened, she also realized that she was exhausted. Her legs were gelatinous from all the running around town she did. Though drenched in rainwater, the bench was still a better option than standing.
She opened her umbrella and tried what little she could to shield herself from the shivery wind. Her eyelids grew heavy, and despite it being so cold, she fell to her left and passed out on the bench.
Emily woke up to a warm ray of light piercing her eyes. She woke up to see that the storm had completely cleared and there were puddles of water around the grass. There was a rainbow out and the town had never looked so vibrant. She made her way back to her house with a gloomy expression. However, opening the door gave her an unexpected surprise. Emilia, Emma, and Paul were all waiting at the dining table and welcomed her in with open arms. Emilia saw that Emily was still slightly shivering and brought her a burgundy scarf to warm her up. Breakfast seemed to be prepared, as Emily noticed when sniffing the air. She looked down at the scarf her mother wrapped around her. A burgundy scarf to warm her up.
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Hello @ToastK Detective Ira here, I have apparently stumbled upon your manuscript while searching for clues in the Devil’s Library, which is where I believe the ancient magical book of Toramu is hidden. Since I’m already here, I shall give my opinion on this piece of yours.
Though I have to say it is very strange that I should find your writing here……. hmmm…..
What I can see
I really like this little short story! It's very sweet and the accents and tone of narration adds a really lovely touch of humour. The fact that Emily Emillia and Emma are all names of moms in the same family is hilarious. The suspense is built up really well and I really was starting to feel a little tense at the end when Emily was running around in the middle of a thunderstorm alone.
The arrival of Gabriel the Angel was a nice touch, not one I was expecting so it did take me by surprise. (I read the title but never really processed it lol) I also fully expected her to find her family and not pass out on a bench and return home to find her family already there, and the connection of the scarf, now that was really surprising! But it was a lovely touch and perhaps highlighted that angels work in mysterious ways.
That makes it two-three surprise twists in the story that I really liked! It kept things interesting, the pacing tight and the reader hooked.
Under the magnifying glass
First a couple of typos -
I believe over here it should be timber and not timbre. Timbre means character or quality of a musical sound or voice as distinct from its pitch and intensity, where as timber would mean wood. I think the same typo occurs once again later in the story.
Another thing I noticed is that sometimes, in certain places the text has a tendency to get a little clunky, this breaks the flow a little and makes it harder to read. Like here -
I think this can be made -
I would suggest doing a readthrough of your work (not immediately after you've written it perhaps a few days later) which will help you identify the places you can make things smoother.
Another suggestion of mine would be that, I can tell that the characters in your story are British, but only because of the accent. Maybe adding some other elements would really give that English British vibe to it. Maybe a line here of there in conversation about tea or scones or some really common British phrases, "Oh it's going to pour cats and dogs today innit love?" something like that to just add that feel. Maybe searching for some stereotypical indicators of British houses and people could help you add that detail.
Closing the case
Overall this was a really lovely tale with lots of twists and surprises that I really enjoyed reading!! I loved the very dry rather humorous tone of the story and Emily Emilia Emma and Paul name scheme really made me laugh.
It was lovely going through this manuscript of yours. Everything expressed was my opinion, feel free to accept or reject whatever you want.
If you have any clues relating to the book of Toramu or anything you want to clarify feel free to contact my
alias, ahem, my dear friend @khushi17bansal.Until next time!!
—Hercule Poirot, “The Murdertime Murders,” by Agatha Christie
wow thank you so much for the review! I definitely tried to make it so that readers would know that this takes place somewhere in the UK but tried to make it ambiguous so I tried to not show any stereotyping at all if possible and tried to portray it purely through tone of voice and personality. Also i hate the uk spelling omg lol thank you for pointing out timbre. I completely thought that was the british spelling of it because of y'know.. centRE and stuff you taught me something new O.o
I get what you said about not wanting to stereotype! I just thought it might make things easier to understand lol and as for the spellings bit I totally understand the struggle, my spellings are also awful and the whole British American dispute does NOT help. I'm glad you found the review helpful!! ^^
Greyhound. You have to review.
I'm going to use the S’mores method that I’ve seen a lot of people use—it makes things more straightforward.
Top Graham Cracker
My initial thoughts: This reads like a Now you see me, now you don’t type of situation. A young woman, most likely from the UK (judging from the speech patterns), noticing that everyone around her starts disappearing. It gave me the thought that maybe she’s the one passing on, with the Archangel Gabriel guiding her.
Then at the end, she dies of hypothermia, going to her forever. My thoughts are that the house is a metaphor for something predatory, and Gabriel is there to help her move on.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow
Honestly, there isn’t anything I think needs improvement or that I’d call bad. I have no creative criticism for you.
The Chocolate
When I first read this, I thought the rest of the story was about to turn into a nice psychedelic adventure.
"Dry as the townsfolk’s sense of humor"—that was a good line. In addition to the rest of that section, it really drives home the feeling that Gabriel is there to help the young girl pass on. The eerie, almost unnatural dryness of his appearance makes him feel otherworldly, reinforcing the idea that he isn’t just some lost traveler seeking shelter, but something more.
Bottom Graham Cracker
All in all, I really like your short story. You painted a very vivid description of what’s happening while leaving a lot open for interpretation.