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139,556 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hey TinyDancer!
She dressed in the dark and opened the door, tiptoeing out into hallway.
This piece seems a little bit too short, and I think you can definitely expand on some of the scenes in here! In this story, you have three distinct parts. You have her puzzling over what happened, then you have her writing down what happened, then you have her puzzling after she written. So, let's break up the three parts up, shall we?
1. This part is really too vague, and you really need to expand on some of the sensual imagery that you can in order to make this truly powerful! For instance, what does she do when she is nervous? I tend to get all fidgety and everything. So, if I were writing about someone who is nervous, I tend to have them repeat themselves, drop things, and the like.
For instance... here's something I wrote once:
Spoiler
Daniel was there.
He was sitting on the floor, just beside the door, his fingers in his mouth. There was a handkerchief beside him and every once in a while he would pick it up and wipe his face with it before putting it back down again. She looked at him curiously, but he didn’t notice her. He wiped his forehead with his hand and then frowned, reaching for the handkerchief again. This time, the freak bent down and picked it up for him.
He jumped.
“Hello,” she said. “How are you?”
“I’m all right. How about you?” He shoved the handkerchief in his pocket and tried to straighten his hair.
“I’m fine. Here, let me help you.” She reached up to straighten his shirt, but he shied away. She frowned. “Is everything okay?”
“Of course. I’m sorry. You can do whatever you wanted to do.” He stepped closer to the freak, looking incredibly embarrassed.
“I forgot what I wanted to do.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.” He straightened his shirt. “So how are you?”
They stared at each other for a moment until Daniel looked guiltily at his feet.
And mind you, I am not saying that I am God's gift to writing or anything like that. There are parts in the thing I just sent you that make me wince. But, you have the characters repeating themselves. You have the characters fidgeting. They drop things, they try to smooth things up, they can't seem to look at each other, they are desperately using small talk as a way not to actually address the issue. I mean, I don't even have to say that something is wrong between them in the narrative, and you know that something is wrong because of the way they act. They act nervous. They're trying to forget the issue, but they know something is wrong.
And I think you need to do something like this here. Make her a lot more fidgety and worried than she is. That way, the drama gets passed on to us!
2. This part doesn't really have any conflict. I mean... where is the conflict in this part? It seems weird that she would be so worried about everything and so stressed out about it and think that love is so hurtful, when this entire scene sounds intimate. Both people here seem entirely receptive about love and making love. This is not their first time. She does not protest when he comes on to her. The only time she really protests is when he calls her perfect, but this issue really isn't brought up again, nor does it seem like anything which would be disturbing.
3. The conclusion she comes to is just odd. I mean, most people would be happy to have great sex. Something is wrong, obviously, or else your main character wouldn't be so stressed out and confused about everything. They've had sex before, after all... why would this particular (awesome!) bit of love-making really make her question everything? There must be something behind this doubt. So, definitely make this a lot more clearer. If you want to make her introspective, she might as well think about this even more and try to figure out what felt so wrong.
...so yeah! Just a couple of thoughts.
Hope this helps!
Thanks for the review! I will get right on those corrections. I agree with all of them! Thanks so much!
~Jess
"His voice lay in her mind like a bedded lover. II love this line- a perfect start She'd been overanalyzing every word he'd said today, each time uncovering more hidden emotions. It was starting to bother her. What exactly had happened? Taking another bite of cereal that reminded her of her childhood innocence, perhaps expand/clarify this- the imagery is good but the idea is not very clear she let her mind wander back once again to the events of the afternoon. Picking up a pen, she decided to write it down. Maybe writing it would help her understand some obscure, miniscule detail that could change the way she felt about him.
I twisted to face you and you placed a beautifully simple kiss on my forehead. Pink Floyd was still playing in the background-- a bluesy soundtrack to the love I knew we were about to make. It seemed right that there would be something like Pink Floyd crooning at a moment like this. It wasn't our first time; you knew it as well as I did. For some reason though, the whole unplanned situation just rolled so nicely off your cuff, and you made it seem as though it was the first time again. You offered me a weak laugh in response to the perfect irony that surrounded us. I smiled back, and then you kissed my smile. good
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"I love you too," you whispered to me. You meant it and I could tell not needed herebecause after you said it, you just held me. You didn't ask for any favors, didn't try to slip your hands under any clothing, you just held me. And it was beautiful. I felt appreciated and important and...wanted. You wanted me when you said that. You wanted my love. Not just as a means to meet your ends, but as a way to better your life. You made me feel as though you needed me to make your life good.repetitive ideas I decided to take that as a compliment. "How are you so perfect, babe?" you asked me, snuggling yourself tightly around my body. "I'm not," I said. "I don't know what you're seeing, but I'm glad you see it." this is just glorious
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She sighed, took a gulp of tea, and closed her eyes for a moment. What was this odd feeling in the pit of her soul?a bit awkward Looking over what she had just written, she saw remorse in her words, with a hint of regret maybe. She vacantly wondered what it was she was regretting. He loves her, after all. Wasn't that right? They had talked through their problems, set things straight again. What then, was she regretting? She loves him too. Then, a puzzling concept struck her-- maybe, just maybe, being in love could hurt just as much as being out of it. maybe this idea should be brought about differently Was she crazy for thinking this? Maybe. Probably."
---Overall I liked your ideas and your imagery as it struck gold mostly, it just needs a tighter control. Keep on writing, I see the potential.
Cheers