So vividly, I still remember the scent of rain on your jacket, the shiver I got when your ear brushed across my hair.
I felt your heart,
Your lungs,
Your warmth.
So familiar although I'd never felt you before.
So enticing.
Seductive.
I had to stand on my tip toes to reach all the way around your neck.
You held me there, long enough to breathe,
Too quick to catch my breath.
Your arms were strong around my back.
Two seconds, one...two...
I'll never forget.
In the midst of the chaos, we found solitude.
Your embrace was all that really mattered to me.
So much passion, so much emotion,
In those two seconds.
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139,556 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
No problem, and those last two lines are so much better!
As far as the first quote, you have every right to keep it and the personal it is the better. It does grasp me as strange but, you noticed as special and special it is. You've done a great job and I think you should be proud of all you've done.
Keep writing, and good luck with everything.
Kagi xo
Thanks guys!
Kagi- I was on the fence about the line you quoted first. It was personal for me but I didn't think people would get it. I thought they'd think it was weird. I guess I was right xD. I am going to leave it in there though because it was a detail that stuck out to me in the actual moment we shared and it's kind I'd important. But your second quote and pointer, it makes sense. I hadn't read it that way but it makes total sense. I will be sure to fix it right away! Thank you so much!
~Jess
Hey, tinydancer
I'll review for you today. So I'll go straight to it.
I love the simplicity of this, the length of this and the blunt, bare beauty of it all. You didn't need to make it longer or complicated, I love it the way it is. It's revelling in pure innocence and I think, that's what makes it special and I think you should focus on that, it's almost like the feature of it all.
One thing though, that striked me as weird was:
Shivering when someone's ear touches your hair is rather ... well, weird do you not think? If this is from a personal experience then you should leave it, as it's your experience but if not, I'd say maybe his hand brushing your hair or his lips, but his ear? That's rather ... odd, to say the least.
Throughout this piece, I got the opinion that even though it was two seconds you felt like this would last forever? That it was something special, and you wanted more time with him then two seconds am I right? Well in this line, I felt like all those previous assumptions were wrong. Like it was only in those two seconds that his embrace mattered, that after, u didn't even think about him. So I'd rephrase that so it sounded something like you knew he was the one, even in two seconds.
Overall though, I really enjoyed this,. It was beautiful and heartfelt and I felt as though you really meant it. It was sincere, honest and genuine. Raw from the heart. I really honestly think you've hit gold here, I can't like is enough.
Fix up those littles bits, and it'll be mind-blowing.
Good Job, you've got talent.
Kagi xo
Wow. I really liked the variation on the length of the lines. It was was beautiful to read and it had a great feel to it. It gave me warmth in my heart and I like the way you continually bring up the time scale of two seconds. A fantastic piece!.