It's nothing personal, really. I promise it's not. It's just a quirk. Or a flaw. It has nothing to do with you. But sometimes, I just can't do that whole "people" thing. I don't want to see them, I don't want to talk to them, I don't want to write about them, I don't want to be around them. I just get in this funk and social situations are the last thing on my mind. Emotion is gone. Instinct is forgotten. Responsibility is left to its own devices. The world spins out from under me and I find myself once again in the bleak, barren prison of Simply Existing.
And the only thing that can fix me is music. Sometimes, all I want to do is put on that big, ugly sweater that my mother hates and curl up into the tiniest shape I can possibly contort into and waste away on whatever record happens to be on the top of the stack. I just want to be in that beautifully hollow place where the music makes the tears fall and you don't even notice they're falling until you see their stains on your pillow.
The music is a map to Anywhere-But-Here and all I have to do is follow it. It's that easy. I can't take passengers. But I promise I'll come back to you when I'm better. Just not right now. Not tonight. Not until the record ends.
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
hello, I wanted to review an item from your portfolio as a sign of gratitude for following me.
now I'm not sure exactly how to approach this piece. it's prose writing with poetic elements. there are characters but one of them (the mother) is only alluded to. there also isn't a discernible plot, except perhaps in the vaguest sense. these are not criticisms, just observations I made while reading.
the greatest strength of this piece is the poetic speaking voice. the language was sort of wispy and ethereal. the only thing I can think of in terms of revision would be to take that poetic language and focus it on more concrete imagery rather than abstract feelings and emotions. as it stands right now the only concrete images we have are the sweater, the tears on the pillow and the records. I'd like to see how you handle an actual setting full of flesh and blood characters and dialogue. the emotion will come through in your descriptions of the concrete.
that's about all I have. let me know if you have any questions.
Hm. I wonder about this piece. Is this a character exercise? Is this a personal journal bit?
I'd like it from the voice of a character I think, in a time appropriate for records. Maybe it's just that I live in Chicago and saw hipster-ish people reach back for what was cool decades ago for no reason other than that it was cool to say, "I bought a record today", but that's neither here nor there, really.
What really caught my interest, and might possibly just have been an accident in your word processing or something, was your spliced words. The first -- "barrenprison" -- super worked for me. Like I loved pushing the adjective and noun together, because it evoked the image of something new where neither word could really be separated. It had to be barren right next to prison, because a "barren prison" is different.
That said, the second didn't work as well. "Hollowplace". I think alone, it works the same as barrenprison, but it made me think that it was just a typo, 'cause the "beautifully" modifies "hollow" and not nouns, so it can't modify "hollowplace", so maybe you didn't intend any of this and I am just getting more than I should.
I think, though, upon this discover, that it would do you justice to try to describe this feeling in a more poetic light, should you be up to it. It seems loose enough already, you might just leave out some of the explanation and get into rawer emotion of this.
I think I say that because I am NOT the kind of person who can easily understand this. I like music and celebrate it when it's present, but I've never learned to seek it out, so I don't know the feeling of running to music. That's why I'd like you to use similes, metaphors, associative language, whatever you have to use to get me to feel the desperation and the need to put on a record. If you wanted to try that.
Lemme know if you have any questions through PM or wall post. Good luck!
Hello, Tiny Dancer! Reise here to do some reviewing.
Corrections
Highlights/Removals
This complex sentence is completely out of sync with the syntax established in the beginning. Your syntax at first is short and quick, appropriate for the tone and your narrator's voice. I feel like your commas should be periods in order to maintain the sentence structure already established.
I really love your narrator's voice and this sentence is near perfection.
I don't know if this is intentional, but the whole second paragraph is beautifully contradictory with the rest of the piece. I talk a lot about syntax and diction - my English teacher drills it into us - so I could not help but to notice that your sentence structure in this second paragraph is complex whereas the others sentences outside of this paragraph are simple.
From an literary point of view, this change reflects your narrator's attitude about music. Before, with the case of people, her sentences were short and curt, she did not enjoy the topic, so therefor she did not have much elaboration. However, the topic of music is something she holds dear to her heart, it is important, so her sentences come out long, detailed, and she puts more words into this topic because it interests her. Also, the diction is different. In the case of people, she uses words that convey a negative attitude, but in the case of music the word choice changes from negative to positive and needy.
Overall I really liked this. There were very few grammatical mistakes, which I greatly appreciate. I love your narrator's voice. I also love the story behind this piece. It portrays perfectly the attitude that some introverts have. I, myself, have related to this. This was great, really, and I loved it.
-RP
Holy Toledo. I was at first nervous to write my second review, but you're going to make this easy for me.
PM me if you have anything else you want me to review!
Alright TinyDancer, you have dominated the task of personifying what myself and countless others our age feel today. I don't know if you're an introvert, but I am (and proud of it)! Even the first words "It's nothing personal" I can relate to. As I continued reading, each sentence bloomed with familiarity. The first paragraph rocked, and you shouldn't change a thing. Actually, that statement carries through the whole piece. Then the music. I love music, you love music. It's incredible how moving it can be when there's nothing else around you but the sweet sounds of what you want to hear. Not voices or responsibility, just beautiful sound. It can take you places, and that's what you put into words. I want to gush more about how I can relate to this, but all that needs to be said is that I am really glad I found this. It wasn't too dark, because it didn't need to be. Just blunt and honest. And relatable. Nothing Personal, but completely relatable. I applaud you madame, keep on keepin' on
-Alwins