Wrote this around 2am sometime last week. It has no name yet, so I need some suggestions! Also, it's a rough draft, so please feel free to suggest writing ideas, but as for the grammar nitpicks, I probably won't pay attention to them until I'm ready to publish this for real. Thanks for your time and help, guys! You're awesome and I love you all! <3
~Jess
On whispered breeze there flies a crow,
Not knowing what he seeks
Aimless wanderer, screech of woe
Hated, banished thief
With chill of Fall beneath his wings,
He shudders from the cold
Not welcomed into anything,
Just chased by scare or scold
Poor little crow that no one loves,
Come, here with me stay
I'll keep guard from high above,
While you rest on golden hay
I'll watch and keep you peacefully,
Til dawn cracks through the sky
When it's warm enough for you to leave,
I'll lift you up to fly
On whispered breeze he drifts away,
That little crow of mine
He'll visit me again some day,
One chilly Autumn night
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140,568 Literary Works • 673,442 Reviews
Hi! I loved this piece! It had so many moments where I just went "Wow that was a nice touch."
To be honest though, I liked the first two stanzas a lot more than the others. I loved the mystic, dark tone in the first two stanzas describing this lonely crow but that was lost later on. I would have loved it if you had maybe instead of written about how you helped the crow, you wrote about how you want to help the crow but can't. But then again that could be a whole different poem. Don't get me wrong, the way it is is great but that was just an idea for an alternative poem. I'll go into a bit more detail now.
This stanza truly was amazing. It is probably the best stanza I have ever read on YWS. The imagery is perfect and it describes the tortured, lonely soul of this poor crow in exquisite detail. I love every bit of it!
Not much to say about this except for BRILLIANT!
In this stanza I don't know why you are guarding the crow from high above. Have I missed something?
This is nice but lacks the fantastic language of the first two stanzas.
This is a very nice ending to your poem. I think the word choice "drift" was great because it has very lonely, aimless connotations. Love it!
I love this poem. It is so great. Don't change anything except for any grammar mistakes you've found (But I didn't look for those.). I would love to see a version of the poem using the idea I suggested but thats completely your choice. No pressure. I'm sure it would be brilliant though. Anyway, amazing job and never ever stop writing poetry (Write a lot more please!!!) because you have talent!
Pollarbear out.... lol
Hi Tiny Dancer
or "Darkened wings" because he's been exposed the dark hatred of the world.
This poem is great. And since it is in rhyme, I'll give you extra brownie points! The fluidity of it is all good and there are some good moments to it that captivate my imagination that's based off your wonderful imagery.
As a previous reviewer also mentioned, the line, "Come, here with me stay" does sound a bit off. Maybe by adding some punctuation would help make better sense of it. You could maybe try - "Come, here with me; stay" or "Come here to me; stay" or "Come here to me. Stay".
You've used a great subject matter for this poem and I like the description of the beaten up crow, who is unwanted and unappreciated.
I simply love the first stanza of this poem and it introduces the situation very well. "On whispered breeze..." is a beautiful line. As for the title suggestion, I would suggest the name - "Winged Wanderer" because he's.. well, a Winged Wanderer.
I hope this helps. You're a great writer and I hope to read more from you! A wonderful piece, this!
Murtuza,
Thanks xhellysmx!
. Thanks for the review!
I had the most trouble with that line and I tried to put it many different ways, but I kind of like how it is, and I think I'm going to leave it for now (mostly because it rhymes). But like I said, its still in its rough draft phase and I will be making changes here and there, so who knows? I may come up with something even better and non-typical. My friend actually took the name Wings a little further and suggested Black Feathers. I'm still open to suggestions, but I really like how she incorporated feathers. That way, readers know its about a bird, but not which one until they start reading
~Jess
Hey there. A crow is really a good metaphor for a loner (hehe). And I thought that this is well-written and I didn't really find any error in your poem. But this line,
, I'd rather read it this way, . But then it sounds like a common and typical line for a poetry.Thanks Firewriter!
and yes, I've been told I am a strange person. It suits me though. I love the name Wings! Thanks for the suggestion.
I usually do my best work late at night
~Jess
You must be someone really strange! At 2 in the morning i can barely write my name let alone a piece of poetry that is that good. Are you normally nocturnal? Any way- you asked for a name.... i think maybe "Wings" as you include birds and flying alot in it. Or "From Above". Good Luck. Try to get some sleep.
Hey guys!
Thanks for the encouragement- a little goes a long way!
Thanks for the reviews
Audrey- In the piece, I was alliterating the crow to somebody I know. He's like I described the crow to be-- misunderstood and outcast by people who don't appreciate him for who he is. Kind of a loner. He's sometimes easily scared by things, and looks to me for support but is oftentimes too proud and stubborn to admit he needs it. He comes and goes, in and out of my life, but to him, I am a constant and he knows I'll always be here when the world gets too cold and he just needs something familiar or a place to rest. I guess I was really just trying to artistically describe him. I am interested to know though, what were the themes you saw? That is, if you don't mind telling me
Panda- Thank you so much! I do try to focus on the positive things people have to say. I'm not generally a poet so it is sort of odd that I wrote something that is even generally good
sounds qwite goood you should allways write some words that doesnt have any reason they are in there but other than that you have written great poetry never listen to negitive people allways listen to the great things people have said to you and listen to your heart for poetry ************************************panda21****************************************
Beautiful piece. Not that I'm an expert poet or anything, but I liked it. I didn't see any grammar faults and it flowed very nicely. What was your main theme in this poem? I found a few and was wondering what one you menat to focus on.