z

Young Writers Society



Of A Dream

by TinyDancer


Twilight. The last whispers of sunlight mingle gently with the first kisses of evening as the love-struck sun and moon explore the garden together. Fireflies illuminate the lovers' path with tiny glowing embers of iridescent yellow. The roses glimmer in that mystical shade of silver that is cast from the dusky sky, sighing as a soft breeze rustles their petals. Behind them, deep orange tiger lilies bow their heads as the approaching night lulls them to sleep. In the cloudless sky, jet black bats dart to and fro, looking for insects or fruit to munch on for supper. Down below them, green and blue mosaic stepping stones lead the way to a giggling fountain in which two small birds are indulging in an evening bath. The increasing moonlight casts a glassy illusion over the surface of the water, giving the impression that as the birds dip below the sheet of liquid glass, they are in fact entering another world--a place known only by them, where everything is at peace, mimicking the stillness of the water. And as the moon finally sings the sun to sleep, the birds take flight, leaving a trail of glittering droplets behind them.

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696 Reviews

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Sun Dec 30, 2012 3:42 am
Audy wrote a review...



Tinydancer,

It's good to see another piece from you again ^^

I love your way with descriptions and words - this image in my head is like paradise - just a place that is absolutely gorgeous and lush, but there's this sort of whimsical and fantasy element as well, so I can definitely feel the dream-like quality of this, by the end you sort of get the impression of a photograph or something being taken - almost like the speaker has been trying to commit the dream to memory.

I know this is written in the "Other" category, so there's not much to comment on as far as rhythm or characters or none of that, but I do like how the scene itself is its own character. c: We just get a snippet, but I already want to know more about this place.

One thing I would be weary of with descriptions like this is the over-stuffing of adjectives. There are sometimes when an adjective is needed, and there are times when it becomes repetitive, superfluous, or just cliche. For example, in the beginning sentence "love-struck sun and moon" is possibly one of my favorite adjective-use in this piece ^-^ Just, perfect. Serene. Very "seeing the world through the rose coloured glasses" kind of description. But your "deep orange" tiger lilies - we already know what color tiger lilies are. Likewise, jet black bats - we know what color bats are. Unless they are bright red, it really isn't needed to describe a color unless the color actually means something. Likewise, things like "liquid glass" "giggling fountain" are more cliche, overused descriptions. But other than those little nitpicks, I found the rest of this piece ... well peaceful :)

Great job! Please keep writing :)

~ as always, Audy




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Thu Aug 30, 2012 9:56 pm
Annii says...



Hi,
just to say, you're really good at description. I'm impressed :)




TinyDancer says...


Hi :) thank you!




You know how hard it is to feel like an extreme falcon-headed combat machine when somebody calls you "chicken man"?
— Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid