John felt like a lord, seated upon the tall Spanish horse. The glistening legs of his horse moved gracefully, taking exaggerated steps to avoid the loose rocks and branches on the English trail.
It wasn’t exactly what he would have called a shortcut. The trail cut through the thick forest, instead of weaving through the fields as they had planned. Several of his men assured him that this way was much faster, and so he had gone along with them instead of continuing down the stone path. That had been a mistake.
What they received instead of a tranquil trail winding up the mountain was a choked mess of brambles and trees that leaned over the trail trying to snatch unfortunate riders up in their clutches. The Oak was the worst of them all. Not only did it reach out into the trail with their long spidery branches, but the trees were home to so much English wildlife, and every sound made the animal prance away, stealing skittish glances at the blamed tree.
John was scratched by the brambles and his backside was very sore from the horse’s antics after a short amount of time. It wasn’t really the horse's fault, though. Those foolish soldiers--the ones who told him about the trail and told him it was better than the road--were to blame. It was all their fault, John reasoned.
But something inside him said no. He didn’t know what it was. Perhaps a hint of all the teachings and lessons his father taught him years before. Perhaps his conscience creeping inside him once more to warn him. What the little voice told him was that he was the leader. No matter what others said and did, even to persuade him to make a wrong choice, the final decision was his, as was the blame was if something went wrong.
He glanced around his surroundings. The forest was dark and had an unwelcoming atmosphere that filled his imagination with visions. He wasn't a child anymore, but when he was bored, he allowed his imagination to soar.
He saw an ogre ambling through the trees, leaping over rotting stumps that jutted out of the mossy forest floor. Snapping tender trees and branches as it slapped them aside, forging a path deep into the deep green. Brown dry leaves and acorns from the late season crunched beneath its heavy footfall.
The ogre was much taller than John had always envisioned them to be. If it hadn't been for the crustaceans growing on its disfigured back, he might have mistaken it for a human. The way it careened its face to catch the light and heat of the sun. How it breathed in the sweet perfume of every flower brought a small smile to John’s lips.
He watched intently, not even daring to blink lest he miss one moment. Even though he knew that this creature was one of his creation, he still watched mesmerizingly. It was almost as if the creature had a sense of hypnotism that corrupted its observers.
As he watched it, John noticed that it seemed to have a familiar look to it. The way that it looked warily from side to side, sweeping the entire forest ahead of it for any signs of intrusions. How it apprehended a few culprit trees that it decided were out of place.
He might have watched it all afternoon and later on into the evening had it not turned to look at him. When the creature finally turned to look at him, John recoiled in shock. Both denial and outrage raced through him.
The face that looked back was his own.
He was the ogre. Why would he have dreamed of something like that? To anger and confuse himself? But it also made him think about things that he did. Things he was doing. Was he really the ogre, the one who bullied everyone about in such a reckless and uncaring way?
People did call him an ogre behind his back. Even though they never told him to his face, he knew what his titles were. People didn’t like him. For a short moment, he wanted to change that. To look like a good prince in the people’s eyes once again.
But he shook his head.
He was not going to play for the people. To be a good boy and say yes Daddy. Or go about handing out loaves of bread to the poor. He wasn’t the good boy. He was a prince of England. And more than that, he was Prince John. People didn’t believe him to be charitable.
If people expected to talk to a noble prince, he was the wrong prince to come to. He was the troublemaker; the one who had fun. Not the one who sat in a dusty throne overlooking a kingdom of blabbering fools that groveled on the ground before him.
He nudged his horse to continue down the trail, leaving the image to dissipate into the forest. It was time for John to look to the future; to look towards the throne he might have someday. To look towards being the Lord of Ireland. To look towards the fact that he wasn’t a child anymore.
He hesitated at first, but then his stronger side got the best of him and he slapped the reins and quietly told the horse, Heehaw. The soldiers ahead of him held their swords-the weapons they used to clear the path- at their sides. They stopped their horses and looked at John in astonishment or worry. He wasn’t sure which.
“Is there something wrong, my Lord?” The lead soldier, a powerful Saxon, shifted in his saddle to look at John’s face. Unlike his Norman counterpart, he wasn’t intimidated by the small Prince at all.
“Not at all,” John replied with a small smile. But he was laughing inside at the Norman’s look of anxiety. The Saxon didn’t know very much about him, it seemed. “I was actually just coming up to tell you what a fine job you are doing to clear a path through this brush-choked forest.”
“Thank you?” The two soldiers looked at each other in confusion, wondering if he was being sarcastic or was honestly thanking them.
John’s horse jumped unexpectantly over a tree branch, bouncing him in his seat. “Yes,” he said, groaning. “It even helps me forget that it was your incompetence that got us here.”
Now they were really mixed up, and John loved it. He wished that he could capture their expressions and save them for a good laugh later. Their confusement was so apparent that he knew they wouldn’t understand even if explained everything to them. And that was something he wasn’t about to do.
Besides, he enjoyed watching their puzzled expressions.
Author's note: This one might have seemed a little strange to you, or rough. Let me know if it read that way to you. Also, all I have to go off are pictures for English countryside, so if I am wrong on that score, just let me know.
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140,752 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
Hello!
Looking at the two reviews below me I can see most things I wanted to mention have been covered already, so this will be notably shorter.
Let's pretend that this review is not weeks overdue, okay?
So I'm finally here and I read it. It's a very interesting next chapter and although it doesn't show much on the plot progressing side of things it really does with John's character. I'd be looking for something to 'like' about him for a while because even though he might end up being the bad guy in this story, if he is going to be the protagonist there does have to be something we do like about him. And here, you give it to us! His imagination and creativity. Also, even his subconscious is telling him he needs to take responsibility because he's too mean and so on. I even felt a bit sad for John because he knows what people say about him behind his back and although he usually doesn't let it get to him it's getting to him now, and showing that he can feel kinda vulnerable too. In the end though, his stubbornness wins out and he doesn't change a thing. But it was good that he was thinking about it and it showed the reader some potential relations to the character personally!
I thought for a moment, Prince John is sleeping? Maybe you should change dreamed to thought or imagined because when I saw dreamed I immediately thought he was asleep.
It was kind of mean of him to taunt the guards, but it seemed like exactly the sort of thing John would've done. I liked your description of his glee there, and your description of the forest in general. I've never been to Ireland, but I know some paths in Scotland can be just as your describing, so I think you're fine when it comes to English countryside there.
Really this was a pretty perfect chapter. It would've been nice if you included some of the soldiers behind him in with dialogue as well. I'm assuming there are soldiers accompanying his journey because a royal prince can't go anywhere on his own can he? Maybe when you say he knows what they say behind his back he could even really hear the soldiers whispering about him as he hacks angrily through the forest or something, and that's what hardens him to be angry again. For example.
Good chapter ^^ I'm gonna go read the next one a little later today.
Deanie x
Thanks for your amazing review!
Yeah, I should have added something to that part... something to spice it up a bit. Perhaps I shall add to it someday! 
Ohhh... you caught that part. Oops. I will have to fix it. 
Back again!
I sensed another style shift. The sarcasm screamed, and yet you transitioned smoothly: "The Oak was the worst of them all." Well-executed. This John guy is not earning my support.
Okay, so maybe my sympathy. He's earned my sympathy. That middle section, the subtlest flashback I've ever witnessed bloom—wow. You deserve applause.
This's my favorite chapter, due purely to the writing. Description-packed, interlaced with humor. The descriptions ... you've truly mastered the art. What more can I say? They painted wonderfully vivid images. I went back to reread sections for the beauty of them. "Not only did it reach out into the trail with their long spider-like branches, but the trees were home to so much English wildlife, and every sound made the animal prance away, stealing skittish glances at the blamed tree." Amazing. It's not just the descriptions, but the word choice. You thought this was rough, young man?
Onto the meager nitpicks ...
I know you prefer harsh nitpicks, so I'll give this one to you. I'd advise against beginning a piece with a long dependent clause. It distracts from the subject and predicate--actually metamorphosing into the main focus. ("Horse" and "Lord" should also be uncapitalized, as they aren't part of a specific title.) My suggestion, if it counts ... "John felt like a lord, seated upon the tall Spanish horse."
This sentence is loaded with adjectives, and thus prepositions. Six, if I count correctly. I also caught redundancy; each clause ended with the same word: trail. I'm really picky when it comes to fluency, so feel free to ignore me, but ... this is what'd I do: "It picked its steps carefully across the rugged terrain, occasionally stumbling on a loose rock." Always see what you can cut out without affecting the meaning: any irrelevant phrases, even words that snag.
Should be one word.
This doesn't even qualify as an error. I must be OCD ... I counted seven prepositions, thirty-four words, and the ideal average is two prepositional phrases per sentence, 22-25 words. I'd recommend converting that first dependent clause to an introductory phrase, but once again, feel free to ignore me.
There is definitely something wrong with me. Because I stared at this for about two minutes, wondering what you meant by it. Branches weaving around each other, like a spiderweb? Branches bearing many limbs? The limbs all springing from one knot, like legs from a spider's body? I don't know why I inserted this under the nitpicks section. Maybe because it's bordering on cliché (just the tiniest bit), or it requires clarification, or "spider-like" should be "spidery", or it's so beautiful it should be fattened with more details, or it doesn't suit the atmosphere? It turns the piece unnecessarily dark? I should probably shut up now.
Forgot an apostrophe here.
Square the hyphen, and the Microsoft Word will automatically correct it to: — . Hyphens are meant to connect words, not entire clauses.
This is phrased a little awkwardly, like it's crafted around one word: pallid. I love the imagery, just not too fond of its foundation. I'm also struggling to make sense of it.
Accidently forgot a "y" here.
The "a" makes the title unspecific, so "Prince" should uncapitalized.
It's a little unclear here what's referred to by "left." I'd recommend doing something along the lines of: "He continued down the trail, out the forest, and the image dissipated."
Should be hyphenated.
I think you meant "confusion"
Keep up the good work! Looking forward to more!
Thank you for your amazing review! The Timmy thanks you from the magnominious depths of his heart. (Cool word!
)
One nitpick confused me, and that is why it isn't mended... I just didn't understand the words you used, so I was unsure what to fix.
I don't actually know what "preposition" means, and "clause" is something foreign to me as well. I confess that I am actually quite ignorant on those parts of my language.
I do think this is a little rough compared to the last two chapters, but still enjoyable. I dove into the whole thing wondering if Prince John would be the hero or villain of this particular story--considering his place in tales of Robin Hood and the Crusades--and I think so far you've got him set up to be--like, he's the protagonist, but he's definitely got his faults and he's not particularly likeable. Which is interesting because so few writers go with the unreliable narrator or unlikeable protagonist.
If I may--I only had one thing to say about chapter one and one about chapter two (chapter? It seems more like bits of a novel than a short story so far), so I'd like to just throw those in here and then give you some feedback on this bit:
Chapter One
I was going to roll my eyes at the "character sees his reflection in a window" thing, because it's so overdone, but I did like the way that, as he saw his reflection, rather than simply telling us what he looked like, you actually told us what other people think of his various features. I.e., "The hawk-like nose, which people jokingly referred to as being very Romanly." Because in this passage you not only told us what John looks like, but what people think of him and of what he looks like. I'm still not thrilled with the seeing-his-reflection-in-the-window thing, but it was better done than it usually is.
Chapter Two
So, maybe King Henry was actually a nice guy who actually cared what the people thought of him. But monarchs had "divine right to rule," and it really wasn't until the French Revolution (which largely took place thanks to the American Revolution) that the common people began actively trying to seize power from the monarchs and do away with monarchy. Prior to that--sure, all the king's sons might fight amongst themselves for the throne upon his death, and various barons, lords, and other noblemen would either join in that fight or fight amongst each other for land. But the peasants generally stayed out of it, because the monarchs and nobles had so much power, so much land, so much money, so many men, and so much weaponry, that anything like a peasant revolt would have been crushed. The lives of serfs and even freemen were often uncertain and wrought with fear and poverty.
So while King Henry might just be a nice guy, and therefore talks to commoners on a level and everything (in which case, more power to him, way to be a good king!), he doesn't need to. It might just help to show that John's annoyance is not only due to the fact that his father is putting a conversation with a commoner before a conversation with his own son, but also the fact that doing so is completely unnecessary. Because whether the people like him or not, King Henry is still the king, and too bad for you.
This would especially be good because we've already seen that John doesn't care for the commoners at all, thinks they're low and dirty, thinks he's better than them, etc. So maybe he just doesn't see--WHY would you have to make them like you when they just have to deal with the fact that you're their ruler?
(This could also give him problems in Ireland, but I'm curious to see if you do make him warm to the people--and the people to him--after all.)
Chapter Three
Onto the main event!
(Okay, turns out I had more to say about those other two chapters than I thought, but oh well.)
So my favorite thing in this chapter was this bit right here:
The reason I love this is that John's initial displeasure with his guards' failure is exactly the kind of reaction we'd expect from his character so far. But then he actually has a nice moment of, almost of epiphany, because he actually realizes that he needs to take some responsibility as their leader. This sets him up for possible character development, to become a better person who actually could win the hearts of the people--but then he goes back to being a jerk. Which is great, because little moments like this will make the reader root for him, hoping he'll turn into a good guy, and then every time he has a choice to be good or to be a holier-than-thou jerk it'll be really suspenseful for us as we wonder: which will he choose?
I don't know if you've ever seen the BBC TV series "Robin Hood," but if not, try to watch it. It's only three seasons long, and it's on Netflix. The reason I suggest this is because Guy of Gisborne (played by Richard Armitage) goes through this very same thing--where he starts off the series being the Sheriff's stooge but frequently does things, or comes close to doing things, that make him a good guy. And so, throughout the series, and despite all the terrible things he does, we're rooting for him, hoping he'll become a good guy and join Robin.
Another great example, which is more likely that you've seen, is Prince Zuko from "Avatar: The Last Airbender."
Yet another example, but one that ends in the opposite way, would be "Star Wars: Episode Three," as we watch Anakin Skywalker descend into the Dark Side and become Darth Vader.
You're doing really well with this sort of character arc so far. I just wanted to suggest those three things as examples so you can see all the different sorts of thing you can do with it, in case you haven't read or seen much like it before. I'm really interested to see where this goes!
Blue
Thank you for your very much in depth review! I have watched Star Wars, and of course, I absolutely love it!
Thank you for giving me this insight. I really appreciate reviewers who give me something to work for and look forward to.
I like your style of reviewing, which seems to focus more on the piece as a whole than nitpicking grammar. Thank you again!
I will work on what you say, and hopefully you won't be disappointed when I finally finish.
You're welcome! Although, as a future English teacher, I do love nitpicking grammar, so if you need such a service, you know who to contact...
hee-hee. Okay. I got it!
hee-hee. Okay. I got it!
Robin Hood! I loved that show <3 :'( Was part of my childhood
It was part of my...Netflix watching last spring.