Author's note:
This is a part of what will be a five part story. I am mainly concerned about being historical correct, remaining fluent and keeping this a fun read. Thanks!
If we win this battle today, Miltiades will get most of the glory. But if we lose, it will most likely mean that if Miltiades survives the Persians, he won’t survive the wrath of Athens when he returns, defeated.
A general order has been sent out throughout the entire army.
Prepare for battle!
I head to the armory tent, where I know an extra set of armor will be ready for me. Even the armorer is preparing for battle. His breastplate is already on, the bronze reflecting off the sunlight as he moves about.
Men scurry about inside the tent, adjusting armor, strapping on swords, and talking about the battle that is coming.
He knows why I am here, so he hurries about fetching all of the items I shall need.
“Big day today,” he says, almost shouting to make himself heard over the noise in the tent. I can tell that he is just trying to make conversation. But beneath that relaxed shell he seems nervous.
“Yes,” I say. “This is going to be a great day. The day that we fight the Persians. Finally.”
He helps me with my breastplate, strapping it on for me, as it is hard for me to do myself. My arms he leaves without any armor to weigh them down. This leaves them vulnerable to injury, but I am faster without them.
“Aren’t you that runner that went to Sparta and back?” He asks, but without waiting for a reply, he continues. “Is it true? Are the Spartans not coming?”
“What the Spartans do has no bearing on what will happen today,” I say angrily, jerking down on my breast-plate to where it feels comfortable. “We will win today and prove to those religious cowards that there is bravery in Athens, not just Sparta. We don’t need them.”
He smiles at my statement and hands me my greaves. Sometimes I just want to kick them off while fighting, because they are very uncomfortable. But they do a vital service protecting my lower legs, so I never do so.
That is the only body armor I put on. I am vulnerable to swords in many places, but if I have armor covering my whole body, I would be slow. And if I am slow, no amount of armor will keep me alive.
Then he hands me my helmet, the last part of my armor. This one is built especially light and enables me to see better than any helmet I have ever worn. The horsehair juts out the top, like all others. Some say that this is for protection, but I see it as something else. The crest stands up a foot or so above the top of the helmet. It makes me look bigger, more intimidating.
A sword is thrust into my hands, still sheathed. It is only a short secondary weapon. The one I shall use the most in battle is the spear, but a sword is a vital weapon for hand-to-hand combat, because the chance that my spear breaks is very high.
I throw the leather loop attached to the sheath over my shoulder, the sword coming down to my side. It is in the perfect place for me to pull it out in an instant if need be.
I pick up my shield that the armorer has placed at my feet. My hand traces the elaborate design absently. I carry that shield for one reason. It is a reminder. A reminder of the day when Sparta did as we are doing today, except without hope of victory. The shield portrays a serpent, destroying men left and right, until one stands alone, bravely confronting the serpent. It is of Leonidas and his battle at Thermopylae. Because of that, I still have great respect for the Spartans, no matter how stupidly religious they are at times.
Handing me my spear, the armorer puts a wrinkled hand on my shoulder. “Good luck, Pheidippides.”
I smile and put my empty hand on his shoulder in return. “Same to you, my friend. Maybe the gods will favor us today.”
And then we part ways, him working on another hoplite's armor and I going to where the army are grouping.
I find my way down to where the men are standing. Miltiades and the other generals are above us, where the entire army can see. I can hear Miltiades roaring above the general noise that comes from the ten thousand men watching him.
“Men, we are going to rid Greece of Persian filth today,” he shouts, his voice going out to every man in the army. “They think that they can challenge us Athenians, and live?” He almost laughs, but cuts it short, which almost makes him sound a little insane. “I say no! They will not come onto our shores and live to say so! We are attacking now! My plan is simple: engage them in a spot where their horses are useless.”
His hand points at the Persian camp far out in the distance. The entire army careens to see it, and I find myself doing so as well, even though I saw it when I came in a few hours earlier.
“Their horses are useless to them in that muck. I received word from a scout that their horses have been moved onto the ships, where they will be safe from broken legs and other injuries the swamp could give to such a heavy animal. So they have no cavalry!”
Miltiades is right. I can see that now. Except one thing still makes me uncertain about his plan. If the scouts are right, then we are seriously outnumbered! Our numbers are estimated at ten-thousand, or so they have been telling me. A scout came in earlier and I overheard him telling Miltiades that there are over twenty thousand soldiers in the Persian army. What is his plan for that?
“Now I know that you have seen the Persian number,” Miltiades continues. “We all know that the Persian force is much greater than ours. But does it matter? Did the King Leonidas back down when he faced impossible odds hundreds of years ago in a battle against the same enemies? No! He fought on, even though he had no hope of victory.”
Now I am confused. What is he saying? Why would he talk about death and us losing the battle, expecting us to go into it full of hope of a victory?
“But we are different than Leonidas!” Miltiades pulls a sword and waves it high. “We are going to triumph! We aren’t three hundred men! We are ten-thousand!”
His intense gaze looks out into us, and it looks like he is sharing looks with each man. “Those Persians have dared to step foot in Greek soil yet again. The battle where Leonidas faced them off for an entire day, holding off hundreds of thousands of Persians didn’t prove to them our bravery! Let today be the day! We will send them back into the land where they came, whining like puppies to their mothers!”
His arms go out, as if he is beseeching us, begging us to do something. “Who are we? What are we fighting for?”
Like a wave of salt-water, smashing onto the sandy beach, his voice goes through the entire army. There is the sound of ten thousand swords slithering from leather sheaths. Then as one, we lift out swords high and cry out. “FOR GREECE!”
Above the deafening roar, one that shakes the foundations of the earth even down to the depths of Tarturus, I hear someone’s voice that rises above everything else. It is Miltiades, his deep, powerful voice louder than any other.
“FOR GREECE!”
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Pancakes and pasta! I'm here to (finally) review!
OK, so this chapter was even better than the first one, mainly because it provides us with details and allows a clearer insight into the upcoming events. Your descriptions were really, really good and not too over-the-top. You gave us vivid images of what was going on, but didn't detract from the flow of events and such. Let me get the technicalities and other stuff out of the way first, though:
Technical
To be honest, I couldn't find any nit-picks. You are thorough with your checking, aren't you? But there were a couple of sentences that I found were a little long and would be better broken down into two or more shorter ones.
Language
Very nice. You've managed to capture this authenticity of the Grecian era very well. Your writing flows naturally and smoothly, managing to engage the reader. It's fast-paced and enticing. Keep it up!
There's this part that I liked best:
If perfection existed, I would say that this is very close to a perfect ending for this chapter. Amazing. Just ... amazing. <3
Your character development is coming along well, and Dippy's voice is real-sounding and earnest. Keep it up! Keep writing, and I'm off to read the third chapter!
Cheers,
~Pompadour
Thanks for your review!! You did show up!
Yay!!!
Dippy? :O
It's easier than typing Pheidippides again and again.
I shall call him Dippy.
And your welcome.
The first thing I noticed is this,
“Yes,” I say. “This is going to be a great day. The day that we fight the Persians. Finally.”
This is great! Your "Finally" At the end really explains a lot. It adds that "calm before the plunge" affect to the story, and from the view of just this one person, I understand that the whole army is anxious and tired of the wait.
"That is the only body armor I put on. I am vulnerable to swords in many places, but if I have armor covering my whole body, I would be slow. And if I am slow, no amount of armor will keep me alive."
This part is not necessarily true. The Spartans wore quite a bit of armor, and it actually wasn't to restricting. They trained for long hours wearing the armor, as well as with extra weights, so they would be strong enough to wear it. But I suppose it makes sense for Pheidippidies, since he is a Runner and only a part time soldier.
The rest of the story I like. You have a good writing tempo, and keep it interesting.
Thank you timmyjake!
Thanks for your reviews!
Hey! Thanks for the notification that this was up! I am currently using my crappy phone, so I will postpone my actual review until I can use a proper computer. Brace yourself, its gonna be a good one!
Alright!
Guess who's back. Back again.
D: I liked this chapter a lot more than the other one! It gave me a lot more details and answered a lot more whys even though you haven't even read my previous review. You've corrected yourself naturally and I love it. You really captured the element of spirit and wanting to charge on here especially:
I just LOVE that ending <333 It makes the reader unable to hold back from turning the page and reading the next chapter. As a writer, that's exactly what you want. And you nailed it. I also think Phei's character gets to shine a lot more through here because he actually has more to say himself. We also get the history fill in on how war costume was and worked back then as well. I can't really say anything bad about this chapter in any other manner than a technical one. It was brilliant to read ^^
If you are going to put all these short stories into one, the reader will have just read the chapter that says everything that happened between Miltiades and Callimachus. In my opinion you should leave the whole first line out because if they are reading directly that has already been stated moments before. And also, I would just start this whole part on the 'if we win'. No need for 'this way' if you're cutting the first line.
Extra punctuation there? Or do you mean ... he seems nervous too.
Awkward sentence? He leaves my arms without any armor to weigh them (usually when you talk about your own body part you use them, because well you do. Not it) down.
To where it feels
Again the word 'god' needs a capital letter, but then again you haven't had enough time to act on my previous review so.
Which makes him sound a little insane? Everything is in the present tense so let's keep it this way.
Good chapter I loved it! Let me know again when the third part is up!
Deanie x
Thanks for your amazing review! Editing has been done!
Wow. For the first time, I have next to nothing to criticize. Your lack of contractions only contributed to the grim mood, your sentences flowed smoother than honey, the paragraphs were broken up perfectly, and no spelling or grammatical errors trapped my gaze. I also, for reason unbeknownst to me, found my eyes glued to the screen. How? How I could be genuinely interested in a war, I ask you?
Only a few awkward phrases/mistakes stood out. I'll list the few there are in chronological order, so they'll be easier to fix:
"Miltiades has just been given command of the entire army, taking control of all the Greeks for this battle." Omit the last clause. Readers will be able to make the inference.
"Prepare for battle!" This could be italicized for emphasis, and to indicate that it's an order.
"...nervous, beneath that relaxed shell..." The comma is unnecessary.
"My arms he leaves free to move, without any armor." Either you forgot a few words, or the ideas are loosely connected. I'd suggest: "My arms he neglects to cover, leaving them free to move."
"...hands me my greaves, allowing me to put them on myself." Omit the last clause; free up room for the reader to make inferences.
"...but if I had armor..." Accidently switched to past tense here. Should be "have armor."
"...jerking down on my breast-plate to put it where it feel comfortable." To keep things as simple as possible: "....jerking down my breastplate to where it feels comfortable."
"...but if I had armor covering my body..." You mean "covering my whole body?"
"This one is built especially light and impairs my sight the least of all helmets I have ever worn." Bordering on too much. I'd suggest something similar to: "This one was built especially light and [barely/does not] limit[s] my field of vision."
"Next, he hands me my sword." Try not to get too repetitive. Here sits another transition word in the beginning of a sentence, as well as a "he hands me my." A possible alternative: "A sword is thrust into my hands next."
"...but a sword is also a vital weapon..." No need for the "also."
"I attach it to my side by putting a leather belt around my shoulders, attaching to the sheath at my waist." This sentence is a bit choppy. A possible alternative: "I attach the accompanying sheath to a leather strip, and belt the leather around my shoulders."
"...another hoplites armor..." Should be "hoplite's."
"...where the entire army can see.I can hear..." Space.
"'challenge us, Athenians, and live?'" Should be "us Athenians." Unless you're addressing the Athenians? He, however, is an Athenian, too. If the latter is the case, replace "Athenians" with "men," or something along those lines.
"'...say No!'" "No" shouldn't be capitalized.
"His hand points out at the Persian camp far out in the distance, almost out of sight." Whoa, three "outs!" Clipping the first "out" and the last clause ("almost out of sight") would maintain flow.
"'My plan is simple; engage them....'" Replace the semicolon with a colon.
“'They have stupidly camped in the swamp where horses would only die.'" This sentence comes out a bit choppy. Possible alternative: "'The witless Persians have camped in the swamp. We can expect most of their horses to die!'"
"'Their advantage left them when they made port here.'” Remember to leave room for the reader to make inferences. This whole sentence could be clipped.
“'Now I know that you have heard rumors,' Miltiades continues. 'They say that the Persian force is much greater than ours.'" The Greeks didn't know who they were fighting against?
"Did he go to near the Sirens sweet song and is now insane?" If he'd heard the Sirens, he would be much more insane.
"His intense gaze looks out into us, seeming as though he looking at each of us." This could be worded slightly differently: "His eyes sweep over the crowd, and I'm given the impression that he's sharing looks with each individual soldier."
Overall, though, I loved the motivational speech. And the ending...I could only gush all day about the ending. It has a delicious sense of finality to it. This was amazing, truly amazing, and I can't wait to read about the battle! Keep up the good work!
Thank you for your review! I will fix everything you stated. I love your reviews!!
It has been edited... Better now?
Thanks for listening! Really, it was no problem
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Yes, better
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Thanks.
An excellent story. I find the historical accuracy of it astounding. The rivalry between Athens and Sparta is evident in the text, and the story itself is written very fluently so as to grab attention from the get go. Despite many already knowing the outcome of this conflict, it still creates the question of "is Pheidippides going to survive this?", which is exactly what historical fiction writers set out to do. Create a character that even though the outcome is known, the characters fate is not. I am eager to read part 3.
Thank you so much for your review! Welcome to YWS, by the way!