Published December 26, 2013
This is the first part of what will most likely be a five part short story. Feel free to criticize what you don't see as historically correct or if something just doesn't make sense. Most of all, I want to know if you see what the character sees.
The Battle of Marathon, and the Aftermath
My name is Pheidippides. I am a runner, a messenger. I bring news to different countries from Athens and back, but mostly only to different City-States inside Greece. And when that is over, I am a soldier.
Usually a visit from a god would leave me in the highest of spirits. But not today. After running one hundred and forty miles over the course of two days delivering a plea for help to the Spartans, I doubt that even a visit from Athena herself would raise my spirits from the chasm that they have fallen.
Have the Spartans have abandoned us? I hesitate to tell Callimachus and the others that, but it seems to be the truth. They tell me that they cannot come to our aid. They cannot help us fight off the vile Persians who once again foul our shores, until they finish their annual celebrations to the gods. They are afraid of displeasing them. Why is it that the most powerful city-state in Greece is also the most religious?
I wonder if there is more than that. During my run through Sparta to the king, I felt hostility. People on the road, in the streets. Everywhere I looked. Men would glance nervously over their shoulder at me as I ran past, no doubt wondering if there were soldiers behind me. I fear that there is a Hoplite uprising going on, and that is the true reason why they cannot come.
Sparta is divided into classes, and the hoplites are at the bottom. They have always wanted more than what they are given by their king. How foolish is that? Have they ever gotten what they want? They will be thrust down into the lowly positions they were in before and life will continue.
Anyway, I am visited by a god. I was surprised when he told me his name, as I knew very little about him. For it was Pan, the god of nature, that spoke to me while I ran. He asked me indignantly why my people never put up statues of him. Why did we never pray and offer sacrifice to him? I promised to ensure that all was done as he had commanded, but I requested something of him while he was there, even though I was shaking while I spoke.
And after I asked him, he told me he would help the Athenians in the battle. But he warned me that, like all battles, he was not the only god that was interested in the fate of Greece. I got his message.
Impress the Olympians and everything will go well.
And so I find myself at Marathon, a day later, with ten thousand other Athenian soldiers, waiting.
I am exhausted after such a long run. The trip to Sparta and back has not only worn me out physically, but mentally as well. The headache of having to bring back news like that was terrible, and I haven’t even told Callimachus yet!
I run into camp, jogging along slowly. I keep my knees low to the ground and my arms still. The least movement means the least amount of energy spent. And when I have to run all day, that helps tremendously.
Men are noticing me. I am a figure that is seen often, I suppose. I never thought I would be one that they would stare at, but for some reason people are looking at me. Perhaps it is because of the news I carry.
I go to find Callimachus right away. His tent is in the center of the camp, but I have to navigate my way around wooden poles, driven in a perimeter around the camp in order to get inside. No doubt, they have been placed there because of the threat of a cavalry attack from the Persians.
I find his tent, but over the noise from so many other men, a slave tells me that he is conferring with the other leaders above the camp.
Finally, I find him. He is talking with the other ten tribal generals. Callimachus is the pole march, the lead general. His decision sways all others.
The other generals are talking to him, almost like small children convincing their mother of something they want to do. They all want to follow their own plan, even though in the end, only one will work.
He finally sees me and motions to me to come over. My breathing is labored, and I find it difficult to speak. I don’t understand why! After running as far and as long as I have, my lungs have become very strong. I am never out of breath. Yet today, wonder of wonders, I find it difficult.
He waits while I catch my breath and then I deliver the message verbally to him, handing him the parchment that holds the same message in writing. But he doesn’t look at it. Instead, he tells the other generals, and then all of them fall silent.
“What shall we do now?” Callimachus asks them quietly.
“We should go out and fight them immediately,” one says. I recognize him as Miltiades, a fiery general from the Philiaid Clan. He is a man I would call intimidating, built tall and strong like an olive tree.
He isn’t a man I would call handsome. In fact, he seems to remind me constantly of the god Hephaestus, the god of fire and smiths. His nose is the most prominent part of his face, but his eyes are like torches piercing into the darkness. I am almost afraid for my thoughts, but I pray to Athena to protect them from him.
A few of the other generals snorts at what he says. “Attack now!” One exclaims. “The Persian cavalry would kill all of us before we lifted a sword! And you want to fight them? Have you ever fought a man on horseback, Miltiades? It’s almost like fighting a god. We’ll just get slaughtered!”
I can see that Miltiades is trying to control his temper, but he is going to lose it if this continues much further. “Perhaps so, but not today. Not now.” He points out in the direction of the sea, where the Persians are camped.
“That area is a swamp, full of water and mud. If they attack with their horses, it will be a blood-bath with the horses being the first to go down. You think that they will use them in there? I almost hope that they do, because we would be rid of them. The horses are their strength. Without them, they are just slaves. Most of them fight for nothing, save for a meal at night and from fear of the whip.” He sweeps a gaze at all of the other generals, who are now intent on him.
“But us. What will we be fighting for? We are fighting for our home. That is what separates us from them! We will fight with every ounce of strength and courage we have, while they use just what they have to use to stay alive. We can do this!”
Callimachus puts a scarred hand on his shoulder. “Tell us your plan.”
“We attack immediately. As soon as we can be ready, we attack. It will catch them off guard and give us a slight edge over them.”
“And what about their bows?” Miltiades finds the general who asked him. “What happens when they shoot all of us down before we can get to them?”
Miltiades nods to acknowledge his point. “I understand your doubt." He looks at them as a whole. "How far is bow range? About one hundred yards for the best archers, maybe further?”
Some nod, while others just wait to see where he is going with this. To be honest, I am curious as well. Even though I am not a general, I am still a soldier in his army. I will have to fight in whatever battle we fight, wherever and whenever it is fought.
“So for the last hundred yards, we will run. During that time, they will have time to release a few poorly aimed arrows.” He smacks his heavy armor on his chest and shoulders. “But our armor protects us as well. If we run, I am sure that our losses and injuries will be light. And then once we are in close, our armor will protect us from their swords and spears. They wear cloth, not armor! Once we are in close, we will have the advantage!”
He walks around and claps each of them on the shoulder. “Come on, my fellow generals. We have two choices here. Either we can do as I say and be victorious, or we can go down as just another Greek failure.”
“I, for one, vote with Miltiades.” A general in the back steps forward. “You have had dealings with Persians before and your logic is sound. Your plan will work. I am with you.”
Miltiades smiles gratefully. “Will anyone else join me?”
And so they vote, each general speaks for his tribe. This vote will decide for the battle that is to come. I wonder what they will choose?
When they all say what they want, I realize what the numbers are. Five against five, including Miltiades on the one side. But Callimachus, our appointed leader, has not cast his vote yet. It all sits on him now.
Miltiades approaches him. “It all sits on you now, Callimachus. You can either go with my plan and save Greece or you can wait a few more days. In a few days, more ships will have landed and it will be too late. We must attack now.”
“What is your decision?”
Callimachus looks around him, his eyes settling on each of the other generals’ that look expectantly at him. He turn and inspects the swamp near the bay where Persian’s camp. I could just see him picturing the battlefield. But also envisioning what would happen if they went with Miltiades’ strategy. And then he smiles slightly and nods.
“Your plan will work, Miltiades. I am with you.”
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,763 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
I like this first installment much better than the fourth, no offense. You do a great job with Pheidippides explanations, and the banter between the Generals about what action to take.
"During my run through Sparta to the king, I felt hostility. People on the road, in the streets. Everywhere I looked. Men would glance nervously over their shoulder at me as I ran past, no doubt wondering if there were soldiers behind me. I fear that there is a Hoplite uprising going on, and that is the true reason why they cannot come."
This part is great and really adds some depth to the story, even though it doesn't directly affect it. Things like this are what I love in a book or short, those tidbits of information that make it all worth it.
There are quite a few grammatical errors, but I always have those, so I don't usually worry about it unless it's damaging to the story itself. I hate going back and editing in YWS's editing program.
All around, very solid piece of work.
Thank you timmyjake!
Thanks!
Heya Spammy! I saw you'd posted a part three of this, and since I hadn't even read part one, I thought I'd drop by and review! And I must say, this looks pretty interesting!
I've always loved historical fiction, and I'd have to agree with Deanie when I tell you that the setting for this piece is amazing! The time period itself brings a wave of vivid images to my mind, perhaps because I've recently read about Greece's history, and it is absolutely fascinating!
Some places I think the story could be improved upon are:
I think this would be better as:
I think I'm being awfully nitpicky when I pointed this out, but adding the "in" just makes it read better for me.
Then there's:
Perhaps this would be a stronger sentence as:
I also noticed that while we get a great deal of insight into Pheidippides' thoughts, we don't really get to picture his actions. Besides the running of course, and the talking, and the panting... and well, you get the picture. I'd like to picture Dippy's (that's what I'm calling him) reactions to whatever he sees and hears. I feel like it would help the reader connect to the story, and understand Dippy better, too. What I love in stories is the voice of the character, and while Dippy's thoughts are easy to understand, and it's plain that he doesn't agree with much of what goes around him, I still can't decipher him properly. Details! Description! Your dialogue is quick, brisk and natural, but you need to go slower with your characters. Dippy's a person too, and while I'm not telling you to all psycho-analytic, you still need to develop his character. But that's all I've got to say, and the reason I'm being rough here is because I saw how amazingly well you described the dialogue, the characters' expressions and actions while delivering it, and I know you have it in you to make Pheidippides just as appealing!
I'll read the second chapter as soon as I have the time! Keep up the amazing work, and keep writing! I hope this review helped.
Cheers,
~Pompadour
Thanks for your wonderful review!!
O Tiny Tim! I am here finally
Okay, I would like to start by saying I am sorry if I repeat anything someone else has said before because I didn't read through the previous reviews. I would like to say I love the time you've set this in, you don't get many historical stories set in this period. And it's unique which is something I like. I like the idea of the main character being a runner, and a war about wage. This is the beginning of what can be a very compelling story.
I have a few little things that could be corrected. I'm going to start by saying whenever you use the word 'god' it needs a capital letter because it's a name, and as well as that, a high title in Phei's world. (Can I call him that?)
One 'have' too many.
Okay, from now on it's just things I would've liked to have seen more in here. I would like to start with the feelings which need a bit more coming through. You've set up this story perfectly, and I know you are a runner so there is no one better to write about runners than you. I know you say that Phei ran from here to there, and it's an impressive distance. But what I want to know more. I want to know what it's like to know you still have so far to go, and feel your raggedy breath escape your lips, and the sweat shining on your brow so much it seems to reflect all the gazes on you. I want to know moooore about what it's like to run seeing as it's what Phei does best. Is it different running when you know you have something heavy on your heart as well?
Another perfect moment is when he's waiting to hear what the main official says about going to war. You say Phei wonders what he is going to say. But I want to know is he wringing his hands in nervousness, twitching, what does he hope the answer is. It also gives us more into the character.
Okay, there were a few more moments, but you can find those and then you know, spice them up. Throw in a bit more detail and you'll have your reader hooked in for the long haul.
Why to all of this? Why does he have to be a runner? Does he love it or hate it? Why is he also doubling as a soldier? [this answer is obvious to me, but perhaps not to other people. Perhaps there is a twist on it or something. My answer is they need every man they have.] Why, why, why? Everything you tell us about the character, apart from like, name and age, should have a reason. So, answer some more of the why's which can be generated.
I know I know, this is supposed to be a five little stories short story collection. But to make it better, it might mean making it longer? Perhaps five big short stories? I dunno ^^ I hope this was useful and that I wasn't too mean or anything. I would like to say you've chosen a splendid topic. (Greek mythology in these times. Just YES. I love it) and also, I you do write really well. Most of the technical were fine as well. Setting and other characters were all in place. I just wanted more details in small things, and with Phei the character as well.
Going on to read the next chapter after my biology homework xD
Deanie x
Wow... That might be the most detailed review I have ever received. Ever. Thank you so much! I will work on that in my third part... I need to put more feeling into the character. I don't want him to be a stoic...
Until... the end of the story when he runs to Athens to deliver that message!
One thing though: He is a runner. It is his occupation. He doesn't have raggedy breath.
And don't worry. The entire fifth part will be on his running to Athens. There will be a lot of detail on his running in that part... Thank you soo much! You have realllllly helped me out here.
Oh, and you mentioned that I called the gods with a lower case g. I did that because they are gods (lesser in the myths). There is only one God, and so that is why I did that.
Glad to have been of use
Next time I hope you don't have to wait so long though 
Hey Timmy! If I'm harsh, know it's because I love you. Or you can slap me upside the head. Whatever you want to do.
Hey man, this really should be an authors note. Now, you don't have to stick it in any special format (you can bold or italicize it if you want to). All you have to do is say:
Author's Note:
AN:
or
A/N:
Any one of these works fine. It helps to separate the note from the story.
Is this the chapter title? Like above, you might want to bold it out to separate it from the rest of the text.
Why yes, yes I do.
Okay, so you felt hostility. But how? How did you feel it. So everyone is tense, but there has to be an undercurrent of something that explains why the are tense and hostile.
You use a form of "visit" twice close together.
Timmy, if there was one thing pounded into my head by my mother, it's to never repeat myself close together. Or to say the same thing twice. While it may be a grammatically correct sentence, I've learned over the years that it makes you look a bit foolish, as if you have no idea what to say so you just repeat yourself.
I like this so far. At first I thought that this was the story about the guy who ran the first Marathon, and I still kind of think that, but am not so sure.
If it is, awesome! I love historical fiction.
If it isn't, oh well, you're a great writer anyway.
Keep it up, and one thing to remember: Don't repeat yourself so much!
Alright! That is one thing I tend to do a lot. Repeating myself. repeating myself. See? I just did it!
It is about him. His marathon to Athens will be the ending installment. Oops. Spoiler Alert!!
Thanks for your review! *slaps you upside the head*
*sings* I did some editing! Better?
You sing? Cool. And yes, it's better.
Haha. Yeah, I do sing... sometimes. Thank again!
I love your word choice and writing style. Your story definitely has a lot of action and drama in it, but the very beginning isn't doing that justice. The guy stating his name and then commenting on its pronuncability (I just made up a word there) doesn't communicate the high-stakes action and drama of the rest of the story.
"I have to navigate my way through wooden poles" This makes it sound like he's literally walking through a pole. I'd change it to around wooden poles for more clarity.
"Finally, I find him. He is talking with the other ten tribal generals. Callimachus is the pole march, the lead general. His decision sways all others, so everyone tries to convince him to go with their plan." This is a part where I feel you need to do a bit more showing rather than telling; describe the other generals trying to convince Calli, talking towards him when they're arguing with others and stuff like that. That's just a suggestion.
"I find myself breathing hard." This isn't grammatically correct. Hard is an adjective, you need an adverb to describe breathing.
"He is a man I would call intimidating, built tall and strong like an olive tree." I like this description.
I don't know why, but I've never liked it when people 'scoff' in books. It might be just me, but I never can picture a scoff and when I try to it always seems cheesy or weird.
"And then once we are in close, our armor will protect us." This line seems like a bit of a logical fallacy. If the armor will protect them, it's unnecessary to add 'once we are in close'. Also, I think the reason why archers stop firing once they're really close is because they'd be just as likely to hit one of their own as an opponent.
"I wonder what they will choose?" He's wondering something, so you don't need the question mark.
You need to work on developing the narrator's personality. Right now, my favorite character is Mitty; you did a really good job of demonstrating his bravery, his knowledge and his boldness endears him to the reader. Just be sure to give him a few flaws as the story continues; you've got a good start on giving him a bit of an anger problem or maybe some pride. You've got a great plot in the works here and most of the criticism I've had has been minute, easy to fix details.
Please tell me once you've got the next chapter up, I'd be very interested in reading it. I hope this review helps and I wish you a Merry Review Day and a Happy New Year.
-tgirly
Thank you a lot for your review! Those kind of reviews really help! I will work on fixing those things.
Just did some editing! Better?
Yes; I like the detail about the generals being like children trying to convince their mothers, that's sort of hilarious
Thanks!
MORE! I love the subject, and the historical details stick with what I learned in sixth grade. I'm not one to go and research about it for the review just to try and show you up, but didn't the messenger die? I thought that when he got to his destination he delivered his message and started to say something, but died before it was heard. I don't know if that's right, but that's what I think right off the top of my head. Like I said, I'm not one to go and research it...
The only thing that I noticed that I would work on if this were my story was the way they talk and tell the story. It was thousands of years ago, but they're talking with speech patterns similar to today. I get that you can't write it in greek, but I would try writing out the dialouge more sophisticated, and then move on to the actual story. But it sounded great!
Message me the link to the sequel,
~Questio~
P.S. Maybe you would be willing to give tips on writing historical fiction...
So I will just answer your question. I chose that character because he died at the end of it. Might sound a little strange, but I like writing in the present and the characters death is always a good ending. He dies after the battle, after he delivers a message to Athens.
I thought about writing it more sophisticated, but when I read a portion written out like that, I decided it sounded stupid and was just boring! Thee's and thou's belong in Shakespeare, in my opinion, and not in novels.
I will make sure that everybody who reviewed me will know about the sequel! Thanks for you review!
Yes, first to review! Unless someone sneaks in a submission while I'm typing...
. I'm sure your history teacher will love this. Now, you may have noticed that I'm more of a reviewer to focus on fluency and technical mistakes, but...not much to say there. You slid easily from one idea to the next, you varied your sentences effectively, and no grammar errors or awkward phrases caught my eye. This review is composed of the tiniest nitpicks, as your wonderful work freed up time to peel apart the layers.
.
Once again, well-done on the research
Before rereading this, I'll just jot down a few thoughts:
The lack of contractions makes it stiff rather than formal, although this is coming from a perfectionist. Your writing style would fit a dystopian theme. Light and uncomplicated, with dependent clauses in moderation, as well as rhetorical questions to sustain the reader's interest. So it seems odd that there are so few contractions. Rather than changing your style, I'd suggest adding a few. It'd make things flow a little easier. (Okay, I lied about not discussing fluency in this review.)
The beginning was well-written, but I didn't feel myself becoming interested. I'm also uncertain about why you emphasized the word "Athens." What makes the fact that he lives in it so...shocking? Turns the atmosphere unnecessarily dark!
Now after analysis...
*point deleted*
"The Spartans have abandoned us?" First off, no need to be a question. Sure, the narrator is questioning this fact, but when you're introducing the fact as a question, the reader can become confused.
"After running one hundred and forty miles delivering a plea for help to the Spartans, I doubt that even a visit from Aphrodite herself would raise my spirits from the chasm that they have fallen." Aphrodite? Athens' patron goddess was Athena. Well, I suppose that Aphrodite was the goddess of love and beauty, but she wasn't notably gentle. Feel free to change it or leave it, I guess. Any meeting with a god could raise someone's spirits!
"Why is it that the most powerful city-state in Greece is also the most superstitious?" I'd go with "religious" rather than "superstitious." Sometimes the more direct words function better.
"Sparta is divided into classes and the hoplites are at the bottom."
This is a really small detail, but it's always nagged me. In a compound sentence (a sentence with a conjunction that has two independent clauses on either side of it), a comma is always needed after the conjunction...with one exception: if a semicolon replaces the conjunction.
"I am tired." Seemed a bit abrupt in contrast to your other fluid paragraphs
"...wooden poles, driven in a perimeter around the camp..." Should be: "wooden poles, which are..."
"I haven’t told Callimachus yet!" I'm a perfectionist, and half the corrections I suggest aren't even necessary, but an "even" could be inserted between "told" and "Callimachus."
"In fact, he seems to remind me constantly of the god Hephaestus, the god of fire and smiths. In short, he was ugly." Two sentences that each start with parenthetical phrases that each start with "in." This could be shortened to: "In fact, he was as ugly as Hephaestus, the god of fire and smiths."
“'I understand your skepticism.'" Here's me being unnecessarily perfectionist-y, but skepticism looks a little strange next to the rest of this guy's speech. Swap for "doubt?"
"...but I pray to Pan to..." Readers may have no idea who Pan is. Also unsure why an Athenian is praying to Pan...Athena, maybe?
And that's all. You didn't disappoint me; I'm lovin' it so far! Hope I wasn't too nitpicky here. Keep writing! I can't wait to read more of this!
I love your reviews. Most of what you nitpicked is stuff that doesn't make sense to you, the reader. It makes sense to me because I did the research. He didn't do the 140 miles straight, true. He did them in 70 mile segments. He also died after running the 26 because he was running in a dead sprint the entire way. And why would readers have any more of an idea of Pan than Athena? But I understand. It would make more sense to have him pray to Athena, his patron. I had him pray to Pan because he was the god that visited him, but it would still make more sense if he prayed to Athena. I think I should make the other goddess Athena as well. I will edit it... Thanks for the review! I loved it! You weren't too nitpicky. Far from it, in fact! I like those who actually leave reviews I can fix stuff with. Thanks!
It has been edited! Better?
Yes, better
! Awesome to see someone heeding my suggestions. Also, thanks for clearing things up. I didn't know that he ran them in seventy mile segments, but it sounds reasonable that the other messenger ran twenty-six miles at a dead sprint. Don't see other marathoners dead today, I hope...
I am a marathoner and nope, not all of us die after one. Although I almost did.
Thanks!
This is a very of beginning to a good story. I'm not one that usually reads historical fiction at all, I try to stay away, but this has some potential.
I'm glad you asked me to review this for you. There wasn't a thing wrong with it. The only part I was confused with is when he says something about whatever Athens demands sums up what I do. I think that you need to reword this to make it sound more correct.
I'm actually very interested to see if they defeat te Persians. Keep it up with the writing.
Thanks for your review! You always make me want to hit the keyboard again to continue writing!
I looked over that part and decided that it wasn't really needed. I cut it out and I don't think the story is missing anything. Think so?
No, if you take that part out it will help more than it can hurt. It was unnecessary.
It shall be that way, then!