Author's note: This may be a little rough... I confess that dialogue has never been my strong point!
Even though his father saw John waiting, King Henry still did not stop talking to the commoner and go to him. That made John a little perturbed. Was a butcher of a higher position than John?
That isn’t the reason! he scolded himself. His father was the king. There were responsibilities he had to fulfill holding that position. One of them was being a politician. He needed to have the commoners' respect and loyalty. A simple way of doing that was just conversing with them as if King Henry wasn’t their king, but a commoner like themselves.
John understood that, but he didn’t have to like it. He hated to stand around doing nothing. And it looked quite stupid as well, without having anyone to talk to. Almost like he was a piece of furniture standing there. He wasn’t important enough to be talked to.
Just when he was about to leave and retire to his room out of boredom, his father slapped the butcher on the shoulder in a friendly gesture and walked towards him. “Are you finished with your conversation or are you going to make me wait some more?” John looked up at his father with a sardonic expression.
The king merely laughed and put an arm around John. “You always have that ability to upset anyone, don’t you John?” His father ruffled his red hair, upsetting the crown on John’s head.
“I don’t try, father. It just happens.” John said, adjusting the crown so that it didn’t hang in his face. “But I am serious. Why didn’t you come when you saw me there?”
The aged king brushed his gray wavy hair to the side of his face with a time-weathered hand and led John to his seat at the end of the Great Hall. “Being a king means that you have to put your kingdom ahead of everything else, John. Your family is included in that. Now that butcher is bound to go back to his lowly village and spread the word that King Henry is a kind king. Earning your people’s respect is important.”
“Then why have you entrusted me with the entire country of Ireland?” John took a seat in the wooden chair beside his father’s in the front of the entire assembly and accepted the glass of red wine that a servant offered. “You know I am not good with other people.”
“I have given you Ireland because I am not going to live forever, John. That country will need a new ruler someday, and you need to learn the responsibilities of being a good king.” He raised his glass and tapped it against John’s in a toast. “Shall we drink to your visit in Ireland?”
John limply raised his glass and echoed his father’s toast. After both had drunk, he pushed his glass away. Incessant drinking was something he didn’t see a point to. He detested the aftereffect of drinking too much. King Henry, on the other hand, drained his glass and ordered a servant for more.
“But why me? Why not name Richard or Henry the Lord of Ireland?” John said quietly, and as an afterthought, he muttered. “All I want to do is read and leave the governing to other people, anyway.”
“Richard and Henry have enough as it is,” his father said bluntly. “You don’t have anything, John. It gives me constant pain to know that you will have nothing when I die.” He ordered another glass of wine. “And so I am going to make it so that you have something. And if your brothers try to take it back when I die, you can fight them off. I have trained you just like the others.”
John rolled his eyes. “You really don’t understand me at all, do you?” He leaned forward, trying to make his voice as adamant as possible. “I am too small to be a great warrior. I can’t even command a battle correctly. I lose every joust, even when I am fighting only one man!"
“You talk of your many jousts with Richard, don't you?” Henry chuckled. “You will never beat Richard, I am afraid. I don’t think it would matter how much training you have. He is tall, strong and a natural warrior.” He leaned over and put a hand on John’s shoulder. “You are an entirely different person, John. Everyone has his or her strong and weak points. Your weak point happens to be physical contests. Your strength lies in words and thought, my son. That is your true power.” He smiled and ruffled John’s hair, making the crown drop irritably in his face yet again. “Just remember that and you’ll be greater than any of your brothers.”
John nodded, showing his boredom at his father’s lecture. “Thanks you for telling me that. I need to be reminded how better Richard is.”
He sighed in exasperation. “No, I am not tearing you down, John! I am trying to raise you up. To make you more than what you would be as the youngest son.”
John stared down at the empty wine glass on the table and nodded in silence. He wished his father would just stop trying to make him more than a youngest son. It would turn up as a failure, just as he was himself. He wanted to believe that, yes, being the Lord of Ireland would boost his popularity and people would like him. Something inside told him no. It wouldn’t make him more likeable. People would still detest him like they always had. They would still say behind his back that Prince John is a very disagreeable young man. Can’t you see the contempt in his eyes?
He sat up and licked his lips in concentration. Like it or not, he was going to be the Lord of Ireland. If he was going to become a Lord, he might as well do it properly, as his father would. “So what is my first step to taking control of Ireland as Lord?”
The King rewarded him with a very pleased smile. “I am pleased to see you are taking an interest in your duties, John. Very pleased.” He ordered another glass of wine.
“What you need to do is simply make a journey to Ireland. Get to know the people. Make them like you. Whom you really need to make a good impression on are the Chiefs. Without their support, you will find the people very difficult to rule.”
John nodded and sighed, fingering the wine glass. “I suppose I should get started right away,” he said gloomily.
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140,755 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hey, Tim. Here as promised. ^^
You use "upset" twice, and that's boring. Spice it up! Use a different word to describe the king messing up his son's hair.
"Father" should be uppercased.
Okay, so first note that I find it funny that John is a redhead and he is going to rule Ireland. I dunno if you did that on purpose, but kudos, kudos. x)
I really adore the king. He is kind and wise and way too good for John. I like the fact that John just wants to read all day, because obviously he is not a people's person. He's too snobby and pompous and got his head up his- I digress. But I really do like the king. He's cool!
I say you did a really good job with the dialogue! It wasn't awkward at any point. It was clear and smooth and even really good at some points; just overall very strong and precise.
This is coming along nicely so far. I am now curious to know what happens next, so keep me updated!
Thank you for another amazing review!
I will edit that soon!
Hey there! Apologies in advance for any strangely-phrased phrasings. It's one of those days when your brain's oozing out your ears...
I sensed a slight shift in tone from The Battle of Marathon. Which I guess is expected, since your primary focus in Marathon was the setting, and your primary focus here's the characters and plot. It strengthens the narrator's voice, molds it into something unique and entirely his own. Prince John's a very interesting figure, and I'm curious to see what you'll do with him. Said that in my last review, I suppose, but there's no harm in repeating it.
You warned the reader that dialogue's never been your strong suit. Piece of advice: never underestimate yourself! I wish I could steal it: the subtleness exercised in accentuating an expression, the silky smooth flow, the knowledge of how to fuse casual speech with normal speech, and more importantly, where to insert contractions. I was tempted to exchange "guess is" for "guess's" above, but I thought it might sound strange if uttered aloud. Did you know, it's impossible to read something without that little voice in your head?
Alright, straying off topic. I see you've already received three fabulous reviews, so if this one turns out brief, it'll be because I've run dry of nitpicks. The dialogue's balanced out with action and speaker's tags, everything flowed, your grammar's impeccable. And that's coming from a Grammar Nazi, who nags people about alternating between passive and active voice and sticking commas after conjunctions in compound sentences. Well. That was one loadful of prepositions.
I'd just recommend toning down on the speaker's tags a little, so that the reader's attention remains hooked on the situation, and nothing gets too redundant. I caught some redundancy in other places, as well, but to keep things in chronological order, I'll just mention them later.
The only distinction between a thought and dialogue is that the thought's italicized and not surrounded by quotation marks, whereas dialogue obviously is. Point--the speaker's tag should be uncapitalized.
No comma necessary, as "doing nothing" relates directly to "He hated to stand around."
A verb is necessary here. I'd think it'd be "having", although you could also go with "knowing."
Always seize an opportunity to combine a sentence with the previous. I'd also advise you against starting sentences with conjunctions, but that'd make me a bit of a hypocrite
Should be one word.
Caught some redundancy. "I lose" and "even", and "still" and "I lose." I'd recommend just cutting out the last sentence.
Comes out sounding a bit weird. Your weakness is exercise? I think you meant something along the lines of "your strength has been deteriorating rapidly" or "you're far from your prime" or even "you fall flat at physical exertion", although it sounds slightly clumsy.
This sounded modern teenager-ish, with "really" slapped next to "thanks", and the sarcasm dripping from his voice. Maybe: "Thank you. I needed to be reminded how much better Richard."
The repetition would be acceptable if you replaced "glad" with "pleased."
That's all I have. Keep up the good work! Looking forward to more, as always!
Thank you for your amazing review! You always help me so much! Expect those parts edited in a little while.
No problem!
Edits complete!
My next part will be out in a few days, for all those who are interested!
Hi there, Timmy!
What really stands out for me is your description of Henry. In so many sources he is described as a fiery young lion but, once he grows up, people never seem to make an attempt to describe him any more because they assume he's still the lion but of course, he can't be because he isn't as energetic any more. I love the way he mentions that you have to put your Kingdom before your family because this is apparent in almost every documented account of his actions.
I think Deanie might be nice about John not being nice but I'm not sure that's a bad thing. John has been made bitter by circumstances so the more bitter he is, the more we realise how cruel circumstances have been. It also means that if we start to sympathise with John we feel more like we understand him.
Your dialogue was absolutely fine and realistic, by the way
Thanks for your review!
You're welcome
Hey Timmy!
Even when his dad was praising him he flipped it around to make it seem like a comparison of his brothers. Even though that shows that he lets his brothers get to him a lot more than necessary and helps build on his character... I do think it's high time we saw some good things about him in here too. Otherwise he seems just so cruel!
So, this chapter was more dialogue than anything else, so there isn't really much more to comment on which doesn't double up on what I mentioned before in the previous review. So do excuse me if this is rather short!
John still doesn't sound like a nice guy at all
I have no nitpicks that haven't already been covered. There was only dialogue and character in this bit. I think your dialogue was perfectly fine. It flowed well, it seemed realistic and there was nothing I would really pick out here. I wonder how John is going to get about meeting all the commoners though, because he seems to despise them so much.
I think you should make this chapter longer and put other things than just dialogue in here. As I said before when you gave us just back ground story, just dialogue isn't too amazing either. I know it's all necessary and I'm not saying you should cut anything. But show us some of the actions that they do as they talk (no one stands super still) and show us the little twitches on their faces that show express. Really, they're minor and they're still just talking. But it adds a lot more detail and a change from constant speech. Other than that, I don't have much more to say!
Just let me know when the next chapter is posted so I can read it.
Deanie x
Thanks for your amazing review! I will work on that.
Hello! I enjoyed this part of the story. I really like how John interacts with his father. The dialogue is believable, and their different viewpoints are well-portrayed. Their relationship brings out more of John's character.
This is sort of redundant, and the butcher is described as lowly twice. I think a stronger word should be used.I like John's character. His personality and situation make him sympathetic, even though he seems to be making things harder for himself than they need to be.
The story flows well between the descriptions and the dialogue. But I think some of the descriptions could be improved.
Maybe the second sentence could be, "That is your true power."
These lines are used close together after Henry gives John advice. It might help to use more varied descriptions.
I think it should specify that Henry is being friendly.
The pronouns are unclear here.
I think it might help to add more background information about John. It might help to know if John has been educated about how to run a country. This line implies that he has, but Henry might just be referring to training in fighting skills.
Also, I think it might help to add more description of the setting, such as what the room looks like and who is around John.
I noticed some small errors that I'll point out. Tell me if you don't want small errors to be corrected.
Some of the descriptions could be made stronger or more clear, but this is a great piece and I enjoyed reading it. I look forward to the next part!
Thank you for your amazing review! You can consider the edits fixed!