Authors note: Sorry for the poor formatting in certain places. I am doing this all on a word-processor, not Microsoft Word.
Writing prompt: Write how a certain object may help you in the games.
From the platform I stand on, everything is revealed to me. Even things that I wish would have remained hidden from my sight. The weapons leaning against the grey, ornate building in front of me. Bows, knives, long swords--even strange cloaks and lamps that shimmer in the light. Their purpose, I do not know.
And dogs. Furry creatures that wag their tails when I look at them. Long, silky ears that urge me to stroke in delight. None bark in excitement, but all whine, watching us--watching me--with a concerned expression, heads cocked to one side. Its almost as if they can sense what is about to happen. What will transpire in the next few moments.
Why are they a part of the games? Another reason to torture us, trying to give us something kind and gentle in a world that tears that down? A game that tears down any measure of good?
The sun bears down upon us, lending fiery heat to the already torturous first moments. I look around me. This... This wonder--the forests of dark pine and fir, trees that stand tall, as if in defiance to the boundary of the dome that surrounds them. The cool springs that I hear bubbling with frothy power somewhere behind me. Steam rising off the lush, green grass, disappearing as it drifts away--has all been made by the Capitol to add one more element to the Games. Add a sense of reality to the games. As if we will actually be touching real grass. I know what it really is.
Just another part of the entertainment.
The gong is about to go off now. All the tributes know it. Expect it. Knees bend. Arms pull in. Breath becomes shorter. Hearts beat faster. Eyes focus on the timer.
The timer slowly counting closer to our death.
**************************************************************
"Ladies and Gentlemen, let the Hunger Games begin!"
GONG!
I don't even have to tell myself to start running. Before I begin to think, my legs are moving. Arms are pumping. I run so fast, my feet tears the ground, throwing grass in all directions. I almost fall twice, but the thought of death helps me keep my stride in check.
Out of my periphal vision, I see other shapes. Human bodies. Figures racing towards the same location. The Cornucopia. Weapons.
Because now we are enemies. Friends no more.
I am not the first one there. By the time I arrive at the Cornucopia, blood has already been scattered on the grass--christening the once beautiful arena a place of death.
A tribute faces me, weapon in hand. The steel blade has already been tainted by death, and hungers for more. It approaches, as if goading me to fight back. To retaliate.
The step that I take in retreat only increases the tribute's level of confidence. His level of arrogence. Even as I fall back--away from his weapon--arms flailing before I hit the ground, my expression changes.
This will not happen to me. Not today.
I kick out, aiming for whatever is closest. My foot glances off his knee cap, and he almost falls, his spear dropping in his hand as he clutches his knee. Anguish is evident in his eyes.
I slowly stand up--kicking him again, but this time at the other knee cap. And he falls to the ground, unable to bear the pain. His spear is on the ground, laying on the grass at my feet. I pick it up and point it at him, raising the spear as if to make the blow. A blow that would end his life.
But as I watch him hold his knees and whimper, I finally see how young he really is. How small he looks on the ground.
And I drop the spear.
**************************************************************
After my decision to leave the bloodbath without staining my hands with the other tribute's blood, I don't even look at the weapons. The backpacks. The lamps--nothing. It all just blends into the background, into what is now a wild rampage of hate. Of destruction.
Just before I leave the arena, something catches my gaze. Something metal, lying on the grass as if it has been dropped by a tribute in their haste to leave the arena. Knowing that I have nothing to protect me out there, I bend down to pick it up. Anything helps.
Its a metal band, about six inches long. One button decorates its front. I gaze at it curiously, turning it over and over, wondering what its purpose is. But then a knife flies through the air, quivering in a tree trunk only a few inches from my face.
I run. Running through the trees, falling down the hills, fording the streams--anything and everything I can do to avoid other tributes.
When I have exhausted myself, I stop to catch my breath.
The band is still in my hand, creating a line where the metal pressed against my flesh. I move it around now. Even though I have no idea what the band is, I don't want to leave it behind. Some other tribute may know its purpose, and I don't want it to fall into their hands.
It looks electronic. Or at least the single button in the center hints towards that. There is no screen or anything else that could further the hunch. Not knowing what else to do, I press the button.
"Hello, and who are you?" A voice comes from the backside of the band, loud and clear. A definite giveaway to my location.
"Could you--"
"My name is Bruce Lee and I am here to give you a pep-talk before you go to your death in a glorious battle that will determine history," the voice interrrupts me.
"Bruce Lee?" I say in complete bewilderment. "Who is Bruce Lee?"
"I consider that an insult, young man," Bruce says. "Behold! I am a fighting legend, the creator of Jeet Kune Do--turned martial arts actor when I became older." He talks so loud that the speakers threaten to blow.
"Can you talk any louder? I am about to die out here. Some quiet would sure be helpful." I glance around me, fearing that someone has already heard the racket. Heard the loud voice that surely carries through the trees.
"Then why are you yelling? If there is one thing that I know, its to speak only as loud as you have to." Bruce is yelling now.
"Would you please be quiet?" I say in exasperation. "How do I turn you off?"
"No, don't do that," he says. His voice sounds panicked. "I have a duty! They told me that you needed someone to coach you, give you a pep-talk. Well, I am proud to say that one of the many things I can do is talk. I can talk about the weather, or merely about the trees if you like. Oh, how cozy it must be where you are at. Now if only they had put a nifty little screen there, I could see what goes on where you are at. Is it cozy and warm? I would like to think so. Of course your definition of cozy and mine might be entirely different. For me, the definition of cozy is beating someone to a bloody pulp while a large audience watches in awe. " He sighs, as if remembering those moments. "Now that is the life! Course I wasn't alwa--"
"Could you just shut up?" I toss the band on the ground beside me. Its useless, and the voice inside will only bring the other tributes closer to me.
"No, I can't shut up. But I can talk quieter if you want." His voice is muffled since it lies face-down on the grass.
"Yes, that would be extremely helpful," I say. Since no other tributes are in sight and I feel in need of something to take my mind away from the games, I turn the band over so I can hear the voice better.
"Now, where were we?"
"The pep-talk?"
"Oh, yes. Of course." I can just tell that he is winding up for another bout of wind-bagging, but I don't stop him. Not yet. He is whispering now, and perhaps he does have some information that could be useful.
"So how much do you exercise, kid?"
"What kind of a question is that? I come from District 1. Of course I exercise. Being fit is my job."
"Hmph. I was one of the strongest men in the world, for my weight. A little bit of exercising won't impress me." He grunts, like he is flexing his muscles as hard as he can. "Strong."
"So what about push-ups? You do push-ups?" He asks, his voice still a low whisper. At least he isn't shouting, even if he does talk too much.
"Of course I do push-ups," I say. "That is the most important exercises out there."
"What about my kind of push-ups?" He grunts again. Apparantly, he enjoys flexing. "You don't get pythons like these from normal girly push-ups."
"Well, what kind of push-up do you do?" The conversation is stupid, incredibly stupid, but it takes my mind away from the bloodbath that I just saw. The death and blood that filled my vision earlier.
"I do thumb push-ups, fully extended," Bruce says. "Try one. You will increase dramatically in strength the very first time you try them. The possibilities are endless. You can run a thousand miles, jump across cliffs, ford deeper streams!"
"All this because I would do thumb push-ups?"
"Well, it might take a few days or so before you get to that point."
A noise to my right pulls me from the conversation, and back into the game. Branches snapping by a big hand, leaves crunching beneath a heavy footfall. Someone is coming.
"Another tribute is coming, Bruce. I gotta go."
"What? Now? Victory is at hand, boy! You have me at your side, a talking genius who knows everything about fighting. And you! You can... You can... Well, there has to be something you can do."
"Shut up." I grab the band, while Bruce continues talking, and begin to run into the woods, going the opposite direction of the tribute. I am not ready to fight anyone. Not yet.
"What are you doing! You could have taken that guy easy! Stop being a sissy and get out there. Victory or death is the only option here, kid. If you don't start acting like more of a man, I'll... Well, I'll figure out something that I can do to you."
"You could stop talking," I manage to say in-between inhaling deep breaths as I run.
"Yeah, but you want me to stop talking," Bruce says. "And I will never stop talking. Ever. All I want to every do is talk. And you need to listen! This stuff is important, kid. Everything that happens afterwards may depend on it. If you don't listen hard, you may--"
I hit the button to turn his voice off even as I run, and drop the band to the forest floor.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Yo, Tim! Here to review for you~ (Even though the bloodbath's already over, but reviews are nice, yes?)
Lemme get rid of all these nit-picks real fast and then we can get down to business. To defeat the Huns.
This was rather choppy and I'm sure that if you read it out loud you'd see what I mean. It doesn't really flow, especially the first part of the sentence: I'd suggest you play with words a little, there, maybe tweak it to read as: "From where I stand on the platform ..." or something like that?
That second para--it's tagged on like an afterthought, like you'd finished listing the items down and realized that you'd forgotten the dogs. Work on this, yes?
The second "T" doesn't need to be capitalized, as far as I know. Also, I have a feeling that a colon would function better in place of that M-dash, but maybe that's just me.
I like how you describe the scenery, because being able to visualize the setting is always wonderful! The fact that you show us how the Capitol have set up a beautiful arena for something so terrible is also a nice play on things. You dive straight into what's going on, and that engages the reader. So good job on this!
~ "in" should be "from."
~ Aaand "at" should be "on."
Alrighty, so what I liked about this piece was that you always showed us this glimpse of humanity, this constant shard of light piercing through the suffering and the chaos. And I liked that. I liked the fact that your main character didn't kill the other tribute; even though it could cost him the Games, it showed us that we shouldn't kill unless absolutely necessary. I did feel as though you should've mentioned what district the boy was from, since it would've created more of an attachment-y feeling the reader gets towards him. Also, Deanie's right: I added a twist to my own fanfiction as well by creating a wimpy Career--because tributes from District One are Careers--and the thing is, while it gives our characters their own individual identities and also makes them seem different, a short story isn't enough to back up the kind of character we've chosen for them, and possible backstories/ reasons the characters are what they are remain unexplained. I've been through the same thing with my fiction, so I understand that, and while it's okay right now, I do think it'll be nice to consider building up on this plot in the future; edit it and cut away the brambly parts until a well-paved and well cut-out character remains. So while I respect and admire your MC's decision--not to mention that was what really spoke to me throughout the piece--I do think he'd have killed instead of pitied.
Fragments. You have lots of them filling up your piece. Now, that's actually alright, and you're being loyal to the style of the books; I actually didn't know what fragments were until I read the HG. I do think that they give the piece a slightly disjointed feel, and cutting out a couple of fragments to replace them with full sentences wouldn't hurt.
BRUCE LEE. Yes, Bruce Lee. I love your choice of celebrity for a pep-talk. And man, was that a pep-talk!
Overall, I had fun reading this, and you especially spiced that last part up, which was brilliant and made me laugh. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but I think Deanie's covered that part. XD
Cheers, and I hope this helped!
Keep on writing!
~Pompadour
i see those little words
Thank you for this reviewwww, Dory! I am so, so sorry I didn't reply earlier. I was just cruising through my portfolio and whala! I saw this.
So thank you so much. It is really helpful, like usual. <3
Heya Timmy!
I thought this was pretty interesting because your tribute picked something no one else had: the pep talk. I have to say I found it pretty funny that while everyone was kind of battling for their life around him he was just listening to Bruce and talking about what type of push ups they do. Also, it's quite a shame (although understandable) that he ditched the device. I wonder how long he'd survive without anything to aid him whatsoever!
I know I am already late in reviewing this because well, the markings have already been given in. But whatever, I can still review it
I thought it was a bit surprising that we had someone from District One which is usually a pretty vicious district that actually didn't want to kill anyone. It's like a bad guy gone soft. One thing that would've been nice to mention is how he is different from those in his district, or the girl tribute he came with because really, he wasn't all that bloodthirsty or even looking forwards to being in the Hunger Games or killing anyone. He didn't even know if he wanted to win - really, he just wanted to survive. It would've been nice to see some more about being in a top district, the expectations and what he really wanted to do himself.
You have a lot of choppy sentences in this short story, and mostly it works for you. Helping increase the drama and suspense and all that. But sometimes, (like here) it doesn't work to well because it's either too short or its meaning gets lost. Here I think it was just odd to have it on its own. Maybe not so much if you change it to a rhetorical question, like: Who knows what their purpose is?
Again, another example of above that I thought just didn't work. I'd rather there was a comma there instead of a full stop, or just an 'or'. Example: ... sense what is about to happen or transpire in the next few moments.
This question was kind of worded awkwardly and it took me a moment to understand what you were trying to say. To make it more obvious how about 'gentle in a world that tears all innocence down?
Nitpick! Should be spelled as arrogance.
Another nitpick. Should be 'ever do'
I hope this helped somewhat. I have to go now! So I have to cut this review short
Deanie x
It did help a lot, Livvy. Thank you for reviewing this.
To be honest, I wrote it late at night and early in the morning, propping my eyes open with sticks. Tough. 
Bravo, Timmy! *applauds while laughing*
I like how you begin your entry on a serious note, only to have it turn humorous as soon as Bruce opens his mouth. Your character's musing on the dogs is good too; it shows that he's a thinker. Speaking of-
I should hope they don't have one tail between them, poor beasties.
Avoid redundancy. The same thing goes for this sentence-
-in which you could very easily replace "time" with "moment", or "timer" with "clock".
This is purely a stylistic comment, so feel free to disregard it. I'd suggest merging these sentences into one, i.e. "Before I begin to think, my legs are moving and my arms pumping."
I'm not sure why the dash is in there. It just disrupts the flow of the sentence.
You sure you don't mean "increases" his level of confidence?
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Me thinks it should be "lying", as "laying" is the act of placing something on a surface. English can be tricky like that.
One last thing.
Say what, now? Somewhere along the line it seems you went crazy with the phrases here. Just try reading it aloud and you'll see what I mean.
I almost feel guilty writing such a long review on a short story, but it's only because I like this entry a lot. The contemplative style, combined with Bruce's antics, make for a rib-tickling read. Let me know if I should add anything, and may the odds be ever in your favour.
Oh, thank you so much! You have really helped me out. Nitpicks have been fixed and all is good! Nothing that you could add, really.
Amazing review. Just amazing.
No problem. Could you have a look at my "entry" as well? It's at http://writerfeedpad.com/T9QWOrzqrA. Thanks.