This might make no sense to some of you. If it doesn't, please just make up a short comment and tell me so. Criticism is always helpful. Don't be worried about being "nice" I like the mean people better, anyways. ;)
There are those that you can see, and then those that you can’t.
I whip around, my sword at the ready. Listening to my master’s voice is hard, especially when I am trying to focus on my task. He is putting me to the final test. The battle against the invisible.
He is behind you. His very essence is creeping into your soul, tainting your righteousness and resolve to destroy evil.
I jump up in the air and slash down, envisioning my enemy being cut in two. But my mind says no, he is still out there. I imagine a noise to my right, and a face appearing in the shadows. I thrust out, my blade going through his skull. I breathe out, thinking I have won, but I hear his faint laughter.
You have not won! He is still there! But now there are two now. Armed to the teeth, swords in their hands. Even their words are weapons used against you.
My master’s voice brings me back to the present and now I see what he saw. Two assassins, dressed in black confront me. I can just faintly hear their whispers but it is enough. Their magical voices are wooing me to sleep.
Do not let them win! If they do, all will be lost! Their voices are poison! Hear me!! Cadet! Come back!!
I shake the drowsiness from me and stuff my ears with strips of cotton that I tear off my shirt. Now I cannot hear them and that weapon is useless. But they have more cards to play.
They surround me, their swords flashing, fluorescents in the ceiling reflecting off the shiny blades. But my sword becomes like a wraith, sneaking into their defenses. My blade kills both of them before they can stain me. Their bodies melt into the ground. I begin to think it is over, but my instinct tells me that it is not finished.
Somehow, I know there is an enemy from behind. Some sense of mine sees him standing behind me, poised to attack. I spin around, my mind already at work to imagine what he looks like. My sword finds the chink in his armor before he can even pull a weapon or utter a word. And soon he follows the others in death.
Very good, Cadet. You have mastered others. Now envision yourself being more than what you are. You have wings. Your sword has doubled in length and so has your body. You have become tall, like an obelisk being raised.
I hesitate, but I do as my master orders. And it happens! Silvery wings that look like an eagle’s are attached to my back, breaking through the plated armor. I have grown taller, but not as one expects. I am being pushed upwards, like an ancient Egyptian obelisk. My sword becomes longer, but not any more difficult to hold or fight with.
I stand like this for a few moments, sinking in my power, moving my sword in slow circles. I think about taking to the air, to try out my new wings. But something stops me. Perhaps I am still doubting that they are real?
Trust yourself. Your imagination can support yourself in flight.
He is right. I slowly unfold my wings and flap them, like I envision a bird doing. And my feet lift off the ground, my entire weight being held up by these monstrous wings. I stay like that for a moment, suspended in the air, my wings carrying my weight. And then I drift back down, my feet softly touching back down.
I look down at myself. The armor. The sword. The wings. And then I decide I want to change. I am a person, not a monstrous armored angel. My imagination begins to work again and my wings fall away, melting into the floor. I shrink down to normal size and my sword disappears entirely. I am back to the way I was, dressed in jeans and a tee shirt.
I look at my master. “The wings were cool, but I prefer to be the way I am.”
And he smiles.
Perhaps you do, but you would not have known that if you had not imagined it.
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125,045 Literary Works • 672,930 Reviews
Hai Timmy!
Definitely on the list of fiction characters I would be mates with.
It may be time for me to sleep but I was determined to get my 1000th review today and I shall have it. So, here you go, let me try and make this one special. Although that is difficult when you've pretty much got a great story going on here already. I loved reading this, and wondered where you were going with it at the beginning. I mean - invisible opponents who seemed to bend to no rules at all? It was definitely going to cause some trouble. But then he did it and managed to make himself some supernatural being before he realized it wasn't really what he wanted. He just wanted to be himself. Which is good, but it's a shame he had to be someone else before he realized it. I guess that's just how most humans are xD His trainer sounds cool as well.
At first I didn't notice the story had even begun because the authors note is in italics and then directly under that the first line is also in italics. I was confused until I got it. Maybe separate it out with asterisks (***) or maybe just put the authors notes in brackets, up to you. Just something by the way of indication that it isn't part of the story.
This is no biggie really, but in all cases we just need one exclamation mark. Really, one brings across the message well enough.
This seemed to be worded really, even though I think you meant he was trying to get used to his power, not really drowning in it because it was so overwhelming, which is what I get from it at the moment. I think you a suggestion would be: letting my new powers sink in.
I know that rhythm and all that is something I go on about when it comes to poems. But stories have it too, and the ending of the sentence after the comma doesn't really help that. It also is worded a bit awkwardly 'a bird doing.' Maybe something like ' flap them, like a bird' or 'flap them, how the birds did it during the many school lessons I sat watching them' or something xD
Since when did what was first described as strong eagle wings turn into monstorous wings? I feel like the jump was pretty soon and all of a sudden you we're as appreciative anymore. Maybe you should mention his change of mind and how he thought of himself as different a bit before he changes the describing word. It would be nice to see a gradual change in mood as well.
And there we have it! I don't have much more to say, because this was a fairly short short story and you write too well xD
Deanie x
You are freaking awesome!! 10000 reviews! Too many for one person. Thank you for this review, Livvy. Always too incredible.
10 000? I wish
Hey timmyjake!
Add in bolded word. It makes more sense.
Using "sense" twice in a sentence, so close together, makes me shifty. I feel like you could do better by replacing the last "sense" with a synonym, or reword this sentence. You don't even really need to include "instinctual" in the sentence. Maybe change it to -- "I sense him behind me..." or something similar.
Add in bolded word.
Okay, wow. This was really good! It was a really cool idea to begin with, and you did a great job of writing it. I do feel like you could have done more with the fights, made them a bit more of a challenge so we can see just what Cadet can do, with both his imagination and his skills as a fighter. I feel like they went by too quickly and you could have done more to make the story juicier and last longer.
Other than that, you did a great job, especially with the ending. Your grammar was good so the flow was consistent and easy to read. The story came alive and I really did enjoy it.
-Iggy
Thanks, Iggy. Much appreciated!
I will edit those parts.
Hello there!
I really love the concept of the story, and its structure. It starts very well, and you get deeper and deeper in the story as the protagonist imagines his/her enemies. I like how the descriptions become more detailed as the story progresses, it gets us even more involved in the story, but there is no description whatsoever of either the protagonist or the Master, and leaves it up to us to imagine them.
The final part made me smile, because this boy/girl returns to reality, and the imagination that created the fantastic fight scene is quite similar to what I (or any other writer) would do when writing a story.
The identity of this Master is never revealed, and I like that because it lets us give him an identity.
The part that I think should be fixed is:
"I have grown taller, but not as one expects. I am being pushed upwards, like an ancient Egyptian obelisk. My sword becomes longer, but not any more difficult to hold or fight."
"Like an Egyptian obelisk" doesn't sound quite right, and I think a different metaphor should be used, something more simple. Also "but not any more difficult to hold or fight." the fight at the end of the sentence doesn't make much sense, you should add with after it.
You could perhaps make it longer, add more things for the protagonist to imagine, maybe the master tells him to follow the enemies into a forest and describe the forests, add mysterious creatures for us to see.
Keep writing!
Thanks for your review!
You are very welcome =D
Hello there, I really like the moral and I love when stories mention the power of the imagination. I think the character is intriguing and the language is almost mesmerising at times.
Just work on sentence structure in a few places (and I know that that id NOT fun) but then I think it'll be brilliant
Thanks!!
You're welcome
Hey, Flame here! I realize that I'm looking at a revised work, so I'll try not to refer to previous reviews.
.
, so my best advice to you is to be creative.
I love what you've got here. The grammar doesn't need much attending to, and your creativity really shines through! I just wish that you'd elaborate on the narrator's emotions. Is he (assuming he's a he) frightened? Confident? Bewildered? Build his personality!
"...tainting your righteousness and resolve to destroy evil." Add a "your" before "resolve" to clear things up. Otherwise readers can tag this as grammatically incorrect (resolve = resolving), and it'll seem that the last clause contradicts the rest of the sentence's meaning. I also think that "resolve to destroy evil" is too dramatic. At the end, he just wanted to be the normal guy he originally was. You could simply finish at "tainting your righteousness."
"'Hear me!! Cadet! Come back!!'" Multiple exclamation points is grammatically incorrect. Same case with question marks and ellipses. If you really want emphasis, make the exclamations all Caps, or convert it to italics. Well, reverse-italics in this case
"...stuff my ears with strips of cotton I tear off my shirt." Try a "that" between "cotton" and "I" to clear up the meaning.
"Silvery wings that look like an eagle’s are attached to my back, breaking through the plated armor." How does he know that they look like an eagle's? Can he see from the back of his head?
Some more grammatical mistakes...mostly misused commas or compound sentences lacking commas. Just take a minute or two to skim over your piece.
One last thing. The title. It covers the main idea but doesn't dig into the meaning of your work. I usually don't give suggestions on these things, because I'm not a title-generator like some other YWSers are
Hope this helped a little. I honestly enjoyed reading this, though I know that you appreciate criticism more than compliments. Keep up the good work!
Thanks much! I loved your review!!
No problem!
Good day,
Here are my two humble cents:
A pretty strong, gripping beginning. I like how you create a subtle rhythm by varying the length of your sentences along, especially making the action parts clipped, hence more rapid in the reader's mind.
However, in this line and in the rest of the text the usage of "but" is a bit redundant.
"I jump up in the air and slash down, envisioning my enemy being cut in two. BUT my mind says no, he is still out there. I imagine a noise to my right, and a face appearing in the shadows. I thrust out, my blade going through his skull. I breathe out, thinking I have won, BUT I hear his faint laughter."
"You have not won! He is still there! BUT NOW there are two NOW. Armed to the teeth, swords in their hands. Even their words are weapons used against you." (Please also note in this line, the repetition of "now", one of them has to go)
Replace with yet, still..nothing too long though, as to not interrupt that rhythm of yours.
"They surround me, their swords flashing, fluorescents in the ceiling reflecting off the shiny blades. "
Some instinctual sense of mine senses him, standing behind me, poised to attack. (ok ok, you've already used instinct in the previous line, also, "sense of mine sense"...word sense can be substituted *read:should be*)
"My sword becomes longer, but not any more difficult to hold or fight *WITH*."
"I stand like this for a few moments, sinking in my power, moving my sword in slow circles."
Wonderful. The motion is really portrayed in my mind well.
Okay, in the end, it is a bit chopped. I only got the hint of the Cadet not liking the wings through the usage of "monstrous" to describe them in just ONE line, it seems like the whole point of the story was for him to gain them. Obviously it was not, and I believe I know what you were going for: a heroic act that is humble and does not require any great rewards. However, the point you were trying to drive was really chopped by the end since you did not elaborate on it more, or did not lead up to it more in the previous sentences.
Overall, this will need more tightening but some of the sentence are pretty damn solid.
NEVER give up writing once you pick up the pen.
Thanks for your review! Yes, I agree that it needs some touching up. This is supposed to be a short story that makes the reader think, but not one where the reader has to put in sentences that should be there. I will work on that. Thank you!!
This is about him learning to use his imagination. The entire story is something that he imagines.
Alrightttt, that does make sense. It is bemusing why he refuses those wings though. Why they are almost a punishment in their glory...
Elaborate on this. This is definitely a good time to add in some really vivid and unique but useful description as to why or how he knows someone is behind him. Don't cop-out when these times come because they are really what makes the piece strong.
Yet again, elaborate. You can add a lot of useful things here because this really alters the ending. Why does he not want to be twice as tall with wings? Who wouldn't want to be twice as tall with wings? I don't know enough about this character to try to rationalize why he would make this choice. Give me reasons or traits or something as to why he made this decision.
This seems awkwardly worded. I wasn't too sure what he meant the first time I read it. Even now I've gone over it about 5 times and I think I know but I'm still not completely sure. A simple sentence like this from the master is a good way to end it. Just clarify why he is saying that the boy imagined it. Was the whole story imagined by a boy who wanted to be someone else? That's what I'm getting from this. If that is your plot then you'll want to make the explanation clearer. Especially if you are only going to make it one sentence.
Besides all of that, I honestly liked this a lot. Keep it up because this was alright.
This whole story, as well as most of my others, were written to make the reader think. Thanks for your review! I see the weak points!
Did some editing. Better?
Yes, it's alot better now