A Visit With An Alien

The alien was one of the strangest aliens Kilne had ever seen. These aliens bore the resemblance of hairless purple dogs wearing glasses. He found it hard to keep serious when discussing different methods of surgery with them when they began to pant, but he managed to keep a straight face until he turned away.

“Usually on your planet you give your patients supplemental oxygen while in the hospital, yes?” The purple alien asked him, writing notes on a piece of paper. Why he did that, Kilne didn’t know. Paper was a thing of the past. No one used paper anymore, but resorted to writing on electronic tablets. And when in dire need of something tangible to write on, most resorted to the new-fangled plastic sheets.

“That’s right, doggie-err, sir.” Kilne replied. “You do use the same methods, don’t you?”

The alien wagged his tail in laughter to Kilne’s slip. “We use the same methods, yes. Except we have found that carbon monoxide seems to work better. It seems to have the ability to rejuvenate the patient. You humans should look into its benefits someday.”

“Oh. Of course. Why didn’t I think of that?”

“You seem quiet today, Kilne.” The alien put a purple paw on Kilne’s arm, and patted it as if a friend would do. “Don’t worry; there are many unsanitary practices that the species like us that live on your earth do that we have evolved out of. You need not be embarrassed.”

Kilne chose to ignore the last comment and continued to ask the alien questions. “So out of curiosity, what do you use as surgical blades?”

“Surgical blades, Doctor Kilne?” The alien was in complete seriousness, his face bearing the expression of a curious dog. “What on Mars are those?”

“You know… you use them to make the incision to perform the surgery on your patients?”

The alien waved a paw like it was a silly suggestion. “How outdated! You humans still use those things! How unsanitary and pointless!” He laughed aloud, his tail beating the table as if it was going in double time. “We just install zippers at birth. It is much easier. Takes less time and doesn’t affect the body in the slightest. Actually, I have been told it is quite attractive.” He put a paw on his suit coat, prepared to unbutton it. “Would you like to see mine? Its bright orange. I have been told it’s a favorite color among your species.”

Kilne shook his head adamantly. “No, no. I am ok. I don’t need to see any zippers, no matter what the color is. No doubt, it is an excellent idea, though! I wonder why we humans haven’t thought of it.”

The alien shifted in his chair, acquiring a more comfortable position. “You humans must not have evolved enough quite yet, Kilne. Don’t worry about it. Someday you will understand why it is so vital.”

“Well, anyway. That was a wonderful answer you gave me to my question.” Kilne glanced down at his iPad, and scrolled down the page a tad more. “Ah, yes. One last question for you!”

“Now I know that this may seem like a silly question, and no doubt it is… But what do you use a sanitizer in your hospitals?” Kilne prepared to type his notes out on his iPad, just as if the alien had done for his.

“We probably use the same sanitizer you do…” The alien pulled a small tube out of his pants pocket. On the small label, Kilne read: Gasiine.

“We use this handy stuff, called Gasiine. It’s very abundant, especially from your world. And it cleans so well! The fact that it leaves a smell and film behind is so minimal when you take into account the cleaning power it contains.”

“You. Use. Gasoline? Are you crazy?” His busy hands stopped typing for several seconds before continuing their busy pace, and his mouth dropped in shock.

“I might be, Kilne. But wasn’t there this wonderful Mad Hatter guy that said that All of the best people are?” The alien smiled a broad, fun smile. “Since our planet doesn’t have as abundant resources as yours does, we have come down to your planet several times, both to obtain gasoline and carbon monoxide for our work.”

“Wait… This isn’t the first time you have visited earth?” Kilne sat up in his chair in excitement.

“Of course not, silly” the alien chided. “We have come down in what you call UFO’s quite regularly to gather supplies. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Of course not. Be my guest.” Kilne said. “Our countries are constantly at war over our world’s resources, but take what you want, by all means.”

The alien patted his hand again, showing his gratitude “Thank you, Kilne. I am sure that with all of your kindness and superior thinking, you have become your world’s leader, so I will accept your gracious offer.” For a moment, Kilne thought the alien was going to lick him in appreciation, but thankfully, they had truly evolved past that.

“Oh, no! My UFO is scheduled to be here in twenty minutes!” The alien looked up from his watch in a panic. “I have to go. I must be ready by the time they arrive.”

Kilne nodded in understandment and rose from his chair. He extended his hand warmly, which the dog alien accepted, shaking it heartily.

As the alien turned to leave, Kilne remembered that he had never asked his name. “I am sorry, but I never did get your name.”

The alien turned back with a small smile. “My name is Fido, Kilne.”

Fido bowed low to Kilne. “Thank you for welcoming me to your planet. I hope all humans are as gracious and kind as you have been to me today.”

And then Fido left, the heavy glass door barely missing his tail as he exited the room.