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The Blade of Broken Hearts

by TiernanW


Words I dreamed;
Constant craving,
Carved from nothing,
For those brown eyes
That still glance at me,
And stir something
For that smile
That still gives me a warmth;
A reminder of what could have been.
What never will be.

Let the rain and hail pour,
Like broken glass on my skin;
I walk in it alone.
Shards remain.
My blood runs blue.

I am left
Slit.
By the blade of broken hearts;
The blood drips on my hand,
For it was in the other all along.


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471 Reviews


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Reviews: 471

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Mon Mar 07, 2016 6:48 pm
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Lightsong wrote a review...



Hey, I'm here for a short review! :D

Words I dreamed;
Constant craving,
Carved from nothing,
For those brown eyes
That still glance at me,
And stir something
For that smile
That still gives me a warmth;
A reminder of what could have been.
What never will be.


As much as I like these lines, the middle parts are a bit confusing. Let us put them together.

Constant craving, carved from nothing, for those brown eyes that still glance at me, and stir something for that smile that still gives me a warmth


The sentence makes sense until 'something'. I think there should be a separation after that. A better word structure is in need here to make it more comprehensive. Anyway, 'gives me a warmth' isn't grammatically correct because warmth is uncountable and therefore should not have 'a' before it. It's like saying 'gives me a happy', which demands the question, 'what's a happy?' If you change 'warmth' into an adjective, like 'a warm hug', than it makes sense to put in 'a'.

Let the rain and hail pour,
Like broken glass on my skin;
I walk in it alone.
Shards remain.
My blood runs blue.


'rain' and 'hail' are synonymous to each other, so putting them in the same line is repetitive. Maybe you can vary with referring the rain--'let the rain pour--let the hail prevail'. If not, using either one would be fine. I like the simile though--the feeling of raindrops as sharp broken glass is relatable. xD The third and fourth lines complements the lines before, but 'blood runs blue' seems like a sudden image unrelated to previous ones, and need to be expound on.

I am left
Slit.
By the blade of broken hearts;
The blood drips on my hand,
For it was in the other all along.


Like the reviewer below, this one needs a closer reading to get the real meaning behind it. It's perhaps because of the last line, where there is no noun to go along with 'other'. Adding 'one' to it would make the stanza clearer. Also, the part before the semicolon is a fragment, not an iandependent clause needed before a semicolon, so an em dash instead of semicolon is the right punctuation to use here.

Anyway, that is all! Keep up the good job! :D




TiernanW says...


Thank you for your help! :)



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Sun Mar 06, 2016 5:36 am
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there TiernanW! Niteowl here to leave a review!

Overall, this is a good unrequited love poem. It's a pretty common subject, but I think this has enough of a creative spin on it.

The first line is kind of week. I would start with "Constant craving".

For those brown eyes
That still glance at me,
And stir something
For that smile
That still gives me a warmth;


I feel like there's some missing punctuation before "For that smile". I'm also not sure you're using the semicolon correctly. I feel like it's commonly misused and honestly not necessary in most cases.

Let the rain and hail pour,
Like broken glass on my skin;


No comma needed here.

The blood drips on my hand,
For it was in the other all along.


I think I get what you're trying to say here, but it's a little confusing. I had to reread it a couple times but I think it means that the speaker is stabbing themselves. If so, I would find a less awkward way to phrase this. Unfortunately, I have no suggestions right now.

Overall, this is good. Keep writing! :D




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Sat Mar 05, 2016 11:59 pm
TheMadHatter19 says...



This is very well written





Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
— Dr. Seuss