I remember,
Remember that holiday night,
No soul present;
Just you, and I,
Standing on the hard pavement
Closer than moral,
With smoky breath,
The rough, feel of your jacket
On my hands so soft,
As you pulled me closer to
Lips that tasted of sweet, suicide.
Piercing my soul,
I let you in, you'd won;
How you looked at me
And touched me,
Left me breathless.
The night got colder,
Clouds dimmed the stars
White streaks slashed the lights
The rain poured down,
And you were gone:
Gone with the cold, carving, wind.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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127,170 Literary Works • 671,484 Reviews
wow.. that is a real good piece and you definitely earn a like from me - i am very choosy about this so it is an appreciation. the poem was almost flawless , i liked the rhythm and the flow
however i would like to nitpick just one point-
"Lips that tasted of sweet, suicide."- is the comma after sweet really needed. it kind of breaks the flow. and you may even shift " suicide" to some later part as then it would give a better shock. according to me placing it here kind of breaks the thrill and one can predict what is coming.
another thing i must say that your poem was attractive and strongly written but it lacks some sweetness at the beginning. i think i am being too cheesy so lets just say- add some good and sweet memory, may be an imagery of your relations happy moments, it you help highlighting the contrast.
overall the poem was wonderful, i would wait too see more of your poems.
keep writing
rituparna
Much appreciated Rit
Hey there.
First off, great poem. Secondly, I loved how you expressed things here, imagery did its charm. IT was a pleasure to read of course. Honestly, I felt this was a bit too common, I mean, that's okay because you used a lot of different elements here.
I would love it if you'd extend it a bit, just A BIT. Like give it a deeper meaning, add something in the middle, but I must say that the content was great, hats off.
Happy reviewing day too
Keep writing and stay blessed.
xoxo
Pleased to read your review! I have a bit of a thing for writing love/heartbreak poems haha, but I should try something new.
Happy review day, mate. Well, I am here to review this poem of yours. I am kinda a fan of poetry and love writing it too so I hope my suggestions and ideas will make some sort of a sense to you
It doesn't to many peopleLet's not waste any further time and start with the review.
Nah! Why not try saying it like:
At least, I think it should be like this
and nobody cares what I thinkWhy's the comma there? It just seems to be confusing the reader and doing no other job.
The word placement here is wrong. Bump the word "lips" on the top and start the next sentence by saying "That tasted..." something like this. Right now, it really makes no sense.
You need a period in your last stanza's second sentence and the third sentence too.
Well, that's pretty much of it for now.
I am not really a fan of romantic stuff but this was well written. A bit of mistakes here and there but still, it was superb.
Keep writing and good luck. I see your bright future in writing.
I had thought about changing those 2 lines you first mentioned, but I liked how it sounded. Though, I seem to be the only person who thinks that haha. Thanks for the review!
Wow, short but powerful. Where do I begin? The imagery was astounding, and within seconds I had the scene portrayed in my mind. "cold, carving, wind" ... "clouds dimmed the stars." Very fluid language. Very good job at managing the subtly of not repeating vocabulary, yet expressing similar emotions.
Only thing is, an keep in mind I am in no way a poet, is "the rough, feel of your jacket" and "lips that tasted of sweet, suicide." The placement of comma's here comes across as weird to me, something that would only be in place if there were two or more adjectives. I'm not sure if this is for rhythmic flow, or something like that, but I'm pointing out as I see it.
Very well done. Your theme is portrayed clearly, though the circumstances ambiguous. A winning combination.
Twas rhythmic and emphasis, but it obviously didn't work as intended. :p Thanks for the review though!
Hey TiernanW, CHRISSY321 here with my first review in a while!
I love all of the detail in here, and it just seems very deep, and is filled with many untold meanings. There are quiet a few things though that I want to say about differ parts of this:
***Happy Review Day!***
Ok, for one, I just love this poem overall! The mood is sullen, like you lost yourself in temptation, but you are not exactly unhappy with it.
I think that there was unnessisary punctuation-
Some lines have commas where they are not needed- or just sound weird if you read it aloud.An example sou be here-
"Remember that holiday night,
No soul present;
Just you, and I,"
There should not be a comma after the "you". I may be wrong- but I think it should just be the "and" without a comma. There are a few more things sort of like this throughout- but I think you get the gist.
The things I love-
I love some of these details that you have in here. This one line especially:
"The rough, feel of your jacket
On my hands so soft,"
I can picture it the event in my head, where you are like in the rain, or out in the night, and the kiss is being commenced! I just loved that!
Overall, I think that the was great! There is not much more to say other than what I mentioned above! Great Job! Keep Writing!
Thanks for the review!
I tried to create an emphasising effect with the commas which obviously didn't work out, but thanks!
Hello there, and welcome to YWS! cleverclogs here for a Review Day review!
First of all: commas. There are lots of commas in places they shouldn't be, like comma-fetti. For a reminder of when to use commas, click here: http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/commas.asp
Since the overuse of commas is a problem throughout the poem, I don't want to comb through and point out every single one. I'm sure you can do it yourself.
I love the imagery you use in this poem. It's very rich and vivid. It makes me able to picture the scene in my head and tugs on the heartstrings. The regretful and wistful tone is perfect, and your word choice is great. The only line that felt iffy to me was:
It seemed kind of awkward. Maybe you could word it differently, like "closer than is moral," or "closer than my morals should let me be." Just a few suggestions, so feel free to not use them if you hate them. But I would suggest rewording that line.
Other than that and the commas, this poem is a truly pleasure to read. Great work!
Yeah, everyone's been pointing out the commas haha. I knew its grammatically incorrect, but I was trying to create an effect which obviously wasn't successful. xD Thanks for the review!
Hey TiernanW, CHRISSY321 here with my first review in a while!
I love all of the detail in here, and it just seems very deep, and is filled with many untold meanings. There are quiet a few things though that I want to say about differ parts of this:
***Happy Review Day!***
Ok, for one, I just love this poem overall! The mood is sullen, like you lost yourself in temptation, but you are not exactly unhappy with it.
I think that there was unnessisary punctuation-
Some lines have commas where they are not needed- or just sound weird if you read it aloud.An example sou be here-
"Remember that holiday night,
No soul present;
Just you, and I,"
There should not be a comma after the "you". I may be wrong- but I think it should just be the "and" without a comma. There are a few more things sort of like this throughout- but I think you get the gist.
The things I love-
I love some of these details that you have in here. This one line especially:
"The rough, feel of your jacket
On my hands so soft,"
I can picture it the event in my head, where you are like in the rain, or out in the night, and the kiss is being commenced! I just loved that!
Overall, I think that the was great! There is not much more to say other than what I mentioned above! Great Job! Keep Writing!