wow.. that is a real good piece and you definitely earn a like from me - i am very choosy about this so it is an appreciation. the poem was almost flawless , i liked the rhythm and the flow
however i would like to nitpick just one point-
"Lips that tasted of sweet, suicide."- is the comma after sweet really needed. it kind of breaks the flow. and you may even shift " suicide" to some later part as then it would give a better shock. according to me placing it here kind of breaks the thrill and one can predict what is coming.
another thing i must say that your poem was attractive and strongly written but it lacks some sweetness at the beginning. i think i am being too cheesy so lets just say- add some good and sweet memory, may be an imagery of your relations happy moments, it you help highlighting the contrast.
overall the poem was wonderful, i would wait too see more of your poems.
keep writing
rituparna
Points: 614
Reviews: 106
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