All that time spent,
Building up to home base
With heartless pleasure.
A blurred line
Between friend and lover;
Where did we lie?
Crushing, admiring and desiring;
Feelings all unrequited.
We did what we did
And it was left at that:
Empty, lonely feeling at the end.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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127,150 Literary Works • 672,942 Reviews
Hello Tuesday here for a review. i actually clicked on this poem because of the name grabbed me to read it and i did, to where i will say that this poem lives up to its name also could be related to anyone who had a friend but it turned into something more than what they have thought. Also even though this is short, i would say that they shortest poem has the stronger message as this one would be: a friend is a lover at heart since most friend are.
i would say for this stanza, i would change only one thing bout this and that would be Between a friend and a lover since the -a adds a type of dramatic flare or something since it makes the reader wonder what will the person chose. Maybe at -or instead of -and or something.Nitpick(s):
for this little stanza i would add an -s after feeling since it gives more than one feeling (without really telling it what those feelings are). Meaning that, the feelings that you have are empty and lonely, not just empty or lonely.
as a suggestion to this stanza i would change this to Building its way up to home base since it makes the reader wonder what is building its way up to home base and want to read more or something.
i would suggest changing this stanza to what happened, happened since it adds dramatic flare to when the reader is reading it.
Overall, i would say that people could somewhat relate to this since most of us have had a friend who we have been love with but never told them. Then as you guys get closer and closer, you realize that you both have feelings for each other. Yet that descends into epic sadness when they cheat on you and you left there; thinking you lost your friend and your love. Also enjoyed synonyms you used in the first stanza, of the second chuck since it is giving the mood of how the person is feeling about their best friend.
Farewell,
Tuesday
Thank you Tuesday for this kind review!
Reading it, most of your nitpicks make sense.
Hi there! I'm new here too, just like you
I really liked your poem. I didn't think it was too short, in fact sometimes I prefer shorter poems to longer ones. So I appreciated the fact that your poem was only two stanzas long.
My favorite lines in this poem were definitely had to be when you wrote "Between friend and lover;/Where did we lie?" That line was just so potent and I really enjoyed it. It carried a sense of confusion, of doubt, of regret, of misunderstand. There were just so many emotions in this poem.
When you said "Building up to home base" were you referencing the popular term for sex? If so I really liked the fact that you used that instead of just saying sex, I think it makes it more poetic. If you didn't mean that then I still really like it anyway.
Haha I did mean sex.
The effect in making your wonder was a success then. Yes, the friend and the speaker were building to home base before it all fell apart.
Okay
I really do like your poem
Hey there, dude. Happy review day. Well, I think I reviewed a work of yours before too. At least your avatar seems similar.
Welcome to YWS, by the way. You are a newbie here. Ask me anything you like
Well, it is a really cute little poem. But don't you think it's too short? Well, no issues with that but just said. I am sorry but I am not really a fan of "romantic" stuff but I'll try to be really nice when reviewing this poem.
Let's talk about the poem now.
Maybe a "a" would make it look good. At least, it sounds good to me.
A friend or friends. Just leaving it as it is doesn't sound too good.
Well, it's too short for me to talk a lot about it but it wasn't a bad attempt to write it.
Word repetition isn't really considered too good (your third last sentence).
Overall, the poem is amazing and good. Not just romantic, it was a bit emotional. Talking about where you went wrong and lied and stuff was kinda cool.
Keep up the good work. Keep writing and do let me know if you need any help.
P.S. Good work with the punctuation part there.
Thanks for the warm welcome! I will get to review your work soon.
Nice one. But the second stanza could have been better. The endless and sensitive emotions you have tried to show is well expressed but beauty is lacked there. You know the second stanza quite appears like just lines from some novel and not from poem. I hope you get what i am trying to say, dear.
Otherwise the poem is really a nice piece with vast and very sensitive , holding life time emotions in it. Keep it up.
Yeah, I do see your point.
Thanks for the advice! I'm a little rusty (first piece in a few years).
Hello there, Luata here for a review. The only grammar issue I have with this work would be that you didn't use commas and periods and such when they should be, like after the end of every line, so really just formatting stuff.
Other than that I think that this is a great piece with a lot of emotion packed into two short stanzas. I feel like the meaning is a little cloudy though and I am not sure of what you where trying to do, I did read the description, so I have a general idea, but I feel as if your work uses the description as a crutch, try to make the meaning discernible by the work alone.
Take or leave the advice, I think this is a good piece.
-Luata
Thank you very much for your advice! I'm still a little rusty but definitely good advice and I'll take it.