It’s been a while since I felt this way. It’s so captivating to the point where I got nothing else to say. Love really is a blissfully flaw that every human can devour. It’s so strong yet so fragile, Like a skyscrape tower. Me, for an example , is intoxicated into a heart that trample. It may sound vague, but I am just giving a sample.
I am addicted to this moving living being, He stare and smiles at me then left me seeking. I could see that he’s interested to my soul. I want him. So does the heart that he stole. From me who is innocently breaking from life. I am done and tired, then he made me smile. What is this tragic flaw? This is against my own law. “I will not love again.”My law stated. Yet i’m stuck to him, conjugated. Is this really the blissfully flaw that i’ve been avoiding? It’s so heart-warming and overwhelming, but it’s a poison spilling. I need to take a break and rest my arms. Yet I end up resting in a pillow that is ours. I feel so loved and wanted by his chest. Warmth and tender loving care reflecting from him as I rest. I guess I can endure another last heartbreak at the end. It’s not like that he will never be my friend. I decided to enjoy the moment and love each other, as I hug and kiss him like perfect lover. As for now, I really want to reach a long time with him. I promised him I will never make his life dim. I love him so much, it’s killing my soul. Yet my corpse is being taken care of, instead of digging for a hole. I love him so much, I will stop typing. Wish me luck; We’ll be sharing lips that’ll be kissing.
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hellooooo there! Kat here to write a review.
Okay so the first thing that strikes me, as said before, is the formatting. It'd be a lot more smooth and visually apealing if you formatted it like most poems, usually a big block of text is harder to analyze ans scares people away. Of course I am not trying to take away from your expression, it's just a suggestion to help make the poem more approachable and comprehensive. Another thing, there are significant grammatical errors in here , even blissfully flaw ( the way you use it) is not proper english. I wasn't sure if that was for effect or just something else?The grammer issues really take away fromn the fluidness of your writing. Other than things like that, I thought this was a very passionate poem and I could really feel the raw emotion. I could tell and even relate with this girls feelings since I have expirenced something similar. However, the conflict and blinding love was what really made this poem stand out.
Something else to think about is to add more literary devices into your works. Some vivid imagrey would be really great here. You could describe the girl in more detail or give her a background and really take this poem to a new level! Also, I find that in love poems similes and metaphors work wonders and are fairly simple . I did apperciate some of the imagrey you did add but the last line felt kind of forced. Instead of "we'll be sharing lips that'll be kissing." (by the way don't capitalize a letter after a semi-colon, typo?) you could say something like "we'll be sharing loves warm embrace". I mean that's a really cliche example....but you see what I am saying.
Thanks for a lovley read and best of luck !
Why is this in paragraph form? That is the first question that popped into my mind when I first saw this.
I mean, I'm aware that poetry is a free art form, but still, why would you put it in this type of form? Automatically, someone will assume that this is not a poem, thus will click away. Those who don't may become before by the two large paragraphs. I suggest at least putting it in a stanza form so that it does follow at least that basic principle. That way people won't be overwhelmed or confused.
Sorry, large paragraphs are a personal pet peeve of mine, so I try to steer others away from them, ha ha.
Besides that, You actually have a very nice poem here. It carries a nice meter and is always rhyming. There are one or two typos here and there, like "He stare" should be "He stares". Basically, you need to just read through and check yourself. You have a great start here and I can't wait to read more.
Great job!
~Maddie
I absolutely adore this.It is very well put together.I like that you used tons of vivid wording and sensory details.You really captured what it's like to be so intoxicated by love that it makes you wonder if it's really possible.You also gave the felling of heartbreak that makes you throw love to the ground and hate what it's done to you.Towards the end you show taking your logical thinking to the wind against your better judgment and start to love him so much more.You did a stupendous job.Good job.