Scylla's POV
"We're almost there', Summer said, and I saw what she meant. After a two hour long trek, we had finally arrived at Mike's holiday house. His parents were crazy rich, even though he never had an attitude about it. But he did have a lot of attitude about other things, an attitude that made me like him even more. Anyways, so his parents owned like five houses in the few hill stations around their hometown, and they visited them like only twice or thrice a year. Me, Summer, Mike, and Jake were here with Ross, and Mike's older sister, Danae, who were supposed to watch us. But Ross being the flirt he always was, I was pretty sure we would have to watch them.
"Finally," Jake said, he wasn't the outdoor type, and I had heard him complain about it all the way here.
"Great, now, you kids can do whatever you think is fun, and Danae, can you show me around?" Ross said, smiling in his jerkish way.
Danae didn't seem so sure before, but you see, Ross's smile can be convincing to girls who don't see him as a brother. And she said, wait for it, okay. Not a big shocker to me.
Mike was on already headed to the entrance. "Okay guys, if you want to join me in the pool, it is on the terrace. There are eight rooms in the house. take whichever you like."
I started towards the door, but Ross pulled me back, out of earshot, "Need some advice sis?"
"What?"
"It is so obvious you like Mike, even though I don't see why. I heard boys in your grade fall for you like, the moment they see you. Anyways, if you want him to pay attention to you, you have to not pay attention to him."
"Huh?"
"See, he definitely notices you noticing him, and maybe, if he likes you, he is probably hoping you'd ask him out. But if you want to have a somewhat good relationship with him later on, you have to make sure that the guy is chasing the girl."
"And how do I do that?"
"Flirt with Jake. They are best friends, and with guys like Mike, you need to make sure he thinks you are off-limits."
"Uh-huh," normally, I wouldn't take advice from Ross, but this kinda made sense. I remembered this time someone told him asking out a certain girl was forbidden, and just to make the point that no one told him what to do, he asked her out. Even though he was never crazily interested in her.
"Thanks, but what's in it for you?" Rule one of having a sibling, nothing is selfless.
"Just put in a good word with Summer's sister once we get back,"
"Fine, if Mike asks me out in the next one week, I will,"
On the rooftop, after a few minutes,
"Isn't this just amazing?" I asked Jake, trying my best to flirt, Ross's advice had worked well so far, Mike seemed to be jealous. Now that that was done, I was finally able to enjoy the sun, and the amazing pool.
"Are you enjoying?" Mike asked me, but I just nodded. Jake was also doing his best to flirt with me, which made Summer jealous. Funny how that works, right? She never paid any attention to him. But as it turns out, attention is always taken for granted.
We just relaxed in the pool till evening that day. That was an amazing day, after all, summer had just begun.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Finally! We finally get to know Scylla's backstory! THE MOMENT HAS COME!
I'm FantasyWriter76 and now I'm serious. Hey, TWFB, I've got around to review Reality Ch. 5 and this (which I will refer to as SHJB)! So without ado...
IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE, TAKE THIS!
YOU GOT [A TABLE OF CONTENTS] TO HELP YOU ON YOUR JOURNEY!
1: Reactions and Personal Preference (and such)
2: The Positives
3: The Negatives
4: {THE NITPICK ZONE}: A collection of little issues that aren't too important
Now on to the review!
Part 1: Reactions and Personal Preference (and such)
I find this as kinda unnecessary. Using context clues, the reader should be able to tell whose POV we're following. Unless you plan on switching POV throughout the novel, this shouldn't be done, and even then, if switching POV, you should put marking between these events from then the reader will use context clues once again.
*three times
We, as the collective audience, need more background on these characters, otherwise, we are just waiting on Scylla to delayed expo. us about them. At least a bit of info about these characters is revealed later on.
*was
I find this very interesting. Remembering back to Reality Ch. 1, Cassandra said she was an Outcast, but her twin sister is a man magnet? Weird, but a cool dynamic nonetheless.
Same as the Scylla POV message, this is unnecessary. Use markings like *** or ... between events.
Now onto...
Part 2: The Positives
As stated earlier, we finally have a spinoff/prequel where we learn Scylla's backstory! Hopefully, you go somewhere with this because this is a great opportunity for you to add-on exposition.
Also, the opposite dynamic with Cass' and Scylla is very interesting and can lead to different kinds of interactions compared to each other.
I really hope you continue this, which can lead to a great spinoff/prequel.
Part 3: The Negatives (REMEMBER: ART IS SUBJECTIVE!)
I will be addressing:
-The Length
-Unnecessary narration lines
-Not enough expo.
Here we go...
The length of the story is very short. Then again, this does act as a kind of introduction to SHJB, so I guess it can be forgiven in this case. I, too, am guilty of short chapters, so I know why this is a problem. (This will be included in the Nitpick Zone)
The narration bits where it's said how to story should be imagined are unnecessary at best. It would be better to let the reader and collective audience use context clues to find out what the setting and POV is.
We know not a lot about Scylla friends besides one's rich, one's not an outdoorsman, and one's a girl. If you're continuing this series, please give us something about the supporting cast.
{THE NITPICK ZONE}: A collection of little issues that aren't too important (Part 4)
My issues:
-Typos/Errors/Grammatic Mistakes
-Length
Well, that's the review! Overall, this could be great for the backstory of Reality and I hope you continue SHJB. Today's Arbitrary Rating is a *4 pools out of 5* which is a 4/5! Hope you have a FANTASTICAL DAY!
-FW76
Thanks for reviewing. I was planning on at least two more parts of Summer Had Just Begun. I will notify you when I post the next part.
Hey TheWeirdoFromBeyond! It's been awhile since I reviewed but it's review day so I thought I'd give it a shot. Hopefully this is helpful. If you find any of my comments harsh, I'm sorry. Also feel free to ask questions if you have any.
This doesn't make sense. You should complete the first part of this sentence explaining what would happen since Ross is a flirt and then end that in a period. The second part of the sentence can remain but in a separate sentence of its own.
Like this: But Ross, being the flirt he always was, would be too busy focusing on Danae to govern the children. I was pretty sure we would have to watch them.
There doesn't need to be a comma after 'sun.'
Commas go within quotations. Also remember to close a double quotation mark with a double quotation mark and not a single. I would also recommend removing the 'and' and making this sentence into two separate sentences.
Like this: "We're almost there," Summer said. I saw what she meant.
This is not necessary but I would recommend changing the comma to a dash since the narrator is saying a bit of a side thought towards the original idea. I would also recommend rewording the second part to something like this: even though he never had an attitude to match it. "About it" doesn't make much sense since it means or almost conveys that his attitude would negative because of his parents' wealth. I have a feeling the meaning you are trying to convey is that he is not snobbish or that he doesn't think of himself as higher than anybody else.
The second part is important because it shows the narrator's feelings toward Mike, but the rest of the sentence doesn't make much sense. I would recommend removing this sentence and writing another one. To say someone has "a lot of attitude" doesn't seem right to me.
"Anyway" doesn't need to pluralized, "so" is unnecessary, and you can remove "like" as well.
Like this: Anyway, his parents owned like five houses in the few hill stations around their hometown, and they visited them only twice or thrice a year.
There are many little issues that can be fixed here. The comma after "said" should be a period. The comma after "type" should be a period. I would also remove "about it" since it sounds better. I would also change "said" and instead add an action phrase.
Like this: "Finally." Jake sighed heavily. He wasn't the outdoor type and I had heard him complain all the way here.
Comma after "but."
Like this: Danae didn't seem so sure before, but, you see, Ross's smile can be convincing to girls who don't see him as a brother.
I would change this to: And so she said 'okay'--not a big shocker to me.
I would change this to: Mike was already heading to the entrance.
I'm not sure who is talking. Is it Mike? If so, I don't quite understand why he is saying this since he also gave orders to everyone.
The comma before the dialogue should be a period. Instead of just "started" I changed it to "started walking." "Out of earshot" does not need to be separated by commas.
Like this: I started walking towards the door, but Ross pulled me back out of earshot. "Need some advice sis?"
I would remove "even," add a comma after "you" and change "anyways" to "anyway."
Like this: "It is so obvious you like Mike, though I don't see why. I heard boys in your grade fall for you, like, the moment they see you. Anyway, if you want him to pay attention to you, you have to not pay attention to him."
You should add a period after "uh-huh."
Like this: "Uh-huh." Normally, I wouldn't take advice from Ross, but this kinda made sense.
All of these sentences should end in periods and not commas.
There should be a period after "flirt." I think it's not realistic that Mike is already showing signs of jealousy when, as far as the readers can see, the narrator has only said one, barely flirty, comment to Jake.
I would change Mike's dialogue a bit since it doesn't sound that natural at the moment. I would also remove the "but" and alter the "I just nodded" sentence a bit.
Like this: "Are you enjoying the pool?" Mike asked me. I merely nodded in reply.
I would change this up a bit.
Like this: We relaxed in the pool until the evening. It was an amazing day--after all, summer had just begun.
The narrator is very enjoyable to read about. She has a great personality and it shows through her story telling. I think the biggest issue for you is grammar but you are obviously a talented short story writer. I would also recommend instead of saying "said" or just leaving dialogue on its own without a dialogue tag, adding descriptive details. It helps readers add more life to the character if they are crossing their arms in response to a comment, gaping, or sighing. You don't always need a dialogue tag, but most of the time it really adds color to your writing. I also don't really see the point to this short story. It didn't really have a climax and it ended so suddenly. The emotions at the end felt rushed too. Thank you for this read and I hope you continue writing and growing as a writer in the future.
dwyn
Thanks for the feedback
No problem!
This is a nice chapter on the nature of young adult relationships. The tension at the end was kind of funny, and I'm sure many readers could relate.
--"We're almost there', Scylla said, and I saw what she meant.--
Maybe something more like: "'We're almost there,' Scylla said. I saw what she meant." The placement of the quotations should be around the statement and the comma.
--Anyways, so his parents owned like five houses in the few hill stations around their hometown, and they visited them only like twice or thrice a year.--
The first 'so' is a little unnecessary. I think this sentence captures her inner-monologue sentence construction well, especially with the consistent use of 'like', but the 'so' seems a little too much.
--And she said, wait for it, okay.--
I think instead of commas, something more like "And she said --wait for it-- 'Okay.'" would be stronger.
--That was an amazing day, after all, summer had just begun.--
Two independent clauses should usually not be separated by a comma without a conjunction. Instead of a comma before 'after all', a period or semicolon would work better to separate the two thoughts "That was an amazing day" and "after all, summer had just begun."
Look forward to reading more!
Thanks for reviewing
My novel is written from Cassandra’s POV, so I figured it would be good if I also wrote a little in her twin sister’s POV. Just tell me in the comments if you think I should also write in Scylla’s POV in the main novel.
Also, if you want to follow my novel, reply to this message asking for so. I will notify you everytime I publish a chapter of Reality.