Young Writers Society

Hello! Let's get right into it, shall we?

Before you can ask me for introductions and about the story, let me tell you that if you are reading this right now then it must be fate.

I noticed a small box wrapped in brown fallen on the ground.

I woke up to see a big pile of presents on my desk. I opened them one by one. My parents had finally got me my own cell phone after a lot of pleading. My elder sister got me the book I had wanted for quite a while now. And my grandparents got me a box of my favorite chocolates. I noticed a small box wrapped in brown fallen on the ground.

The book would actually make sense without these pages. I mean page 1 ended in English letters and page 2 was this ancient language and page 3 which was English would make a continuation of page 1.

They would probably call the police and have it checked for 'deathly traps'.

"Lets do it." I told myself. I was the girl that got picked on. Basically the outcast.

I looked around my room. It was a small room which was actually an attic. The ceiling was slanted. My bed was near the window and beside it was my study table. Facing it was my washroom beside which was my closet and mirror. The door was at the other end and near it was a bookcase. The walls were baby pink and the floor and the ceiling were the color of cinnamon.

Wow! This story was amazing! Sorry, forgot to introduce myself. I'm FantasyWriter76, but you probably knew that, here with a review for your story!

Now to start off with the good stuff. I feel you did story exposition justice. Your introduction exposition actually got me intrigued, unlike most other generic expositions. I feel the protagonist is relatable in the way that Casandra is like any other kid in a situation where their wits under pressure are tested.

Now to the things I think you can improve on:
I think you should stretch out Hanna and Berry's characters. I feel we as the readers know barely anything about them. Maybe talk more about them. Secondly, I think the transition into the monster chase was WAY too rushed. Maybe one of the characters felt something was off, or maybe the monster appeared in a special kind of way so that the monster doesn't 'just appear'. And the last thing I want to point out is capitalization, it's really just a nitpick, but I think it should be said.

Overall, I'd like to see this series continue forward. It seems to have lots of potential and I'd like to see character development. So get to it!
- FantasyWriter76

Hello, Prachi. I am Liz. I am here, hoping to be at least alittle helpful, and to make this a review. So lets jump into it....

First off: "'who would this be from," I wondered."

You might want to capitalize the 'w' in 'who'. And you don't Need to add the "I wondered" Part. You don't really need it.

Secondly: "'Lets do it.' I told myself. I was the girl that got picked on. Basically the outcast."

"'Lets do it,' I told myself" could be its own line. You dont need the extra stuff on the same line.

I will finish this when I have time. I will review your other work as well.

i accidentally submitted the same message twice, and so had to delete the second one, but needed something to replace it. Well, here you go.

Fish don't have dry humor.

"'who would this be from," I wondered."
'I wondered' isn't necessary, and best to avoid, he-said/she-said phrases in the future.

"I tried to open it, but it didn't." This sentence is kind of a hard read.

"two goofball friends Hanna and Berry..." You need a comma after 'friends,' at least.

"I did research on it and found nothing. The internet had nothing on it." Remove one of these sentences.

You have a ton of short, really short sentences. There's not much description of a person outside of their face.

There's literally no description for the monster.

In short: I like your concept, but specifically in the area of description needs some refinement.

Please feel free to ignore my advice it is not meant to offened you or hurt you in anyway, it is not meant to make your story seem bad, or demine it that said . . . .
1. What I liked
I liked your narration it added alot to Casandra. I also love the creativity, it really is a good story.

2. Plot & Develupment.
The idea is excellent but there doesn't seem to be much of a plot in this story. First of all not much happened and there is no hint of the world. If you'l excuse my saying so- this is meant to help you after all not hurt you- There doesn't seem to be much of a story in this chapter.
Here are some ways I think you can change that
Explain how she found all those objects-the dagger the book and all the rest.
Show us what that mad guy did that night that made her parents want to move.
You mention that she had evesdropped why not start the chapter with he listning to her parents talking about leaving?

3. Spelling and grammar
The preceeding advice is just me acting like a grammer expert you can choose to ignore the advice-
First of all this sentence-Well weird things have been happening throughout my life but this was the weirdest yet.
I think you should add a comma after the word well. Oh maybe add one after the word life as well. Just a thought.
And then there is this sentence

I had already opened all my presents from my family members and my friends would give theirs later.
Somehow and doesn't seem right. Try removing it or rephrasing sentence.

3. Flow and style
I think your style was fine, but your flow could use some work. Okay first of all why are there lots of small paragraphs? Many with just two or less sentences. It makes it seem as though there isn't much to this chapter. Most especially because you can say the same thing in one good paragraph. Or at least two paragraphs. Also it made it a little hard to follow.

4. Impact & Emotion
I think your story doesn't seem to have alot of impact. There isn't alot of showing just telling. It is always better to show the readers what happened then to tell them. Adding alot of description will help with that. Also, there seems to be no emotion to Casandra either. She doesn't seem human. You might want to add her thoughts.

5. Character develoupment
You need to add more to Casandra. She doesn't seem like a well develouped character. I couldn't tell much about her or her personality. Maybe adding more personality will help her become a live person.

5. Overall & Encouragment
I loved your idea and it was fun reading this despite the above issues. Keep up this creative writing. You have a story on your hands.

I'll be throwin' a review your direction, matey! Brace for impact!

Let me start off by saying that while your tale does have potential (any story can be good, provided it's written well and provides an interesting concept), the execution of your first chapter leaves some things to be desired.

First and foremost, I recommend you overall extend it. It may well benefit if you make it three - hell, four times longer. Don't pad it with unnecessary story. Keep the events as they are. Just add better, deeper descriptions, among other things. Just something the reader can chew on to be eased into your story. The goal is to make your reader create a clear image of the situation in their mind. That's the goal of prose, anyway. Poetry is a bit different, but that's way off topic.
Make these descriptions unique. I noticed that you described all three of your main characters with only their hair and eyes. Go deeper than that. Have them stand before us, present them to us. Just be careful, as even this comes with its own challenge. You mustn't make it a bland presentation, rather you must ease us into the characters and their appearance organically. For example, "her dark hair swayed gently in the breeze," or something like that. See? We find out that her hair is dark, but you didn't tell us straight up, instead, you deceive us by focusing on the swaying rather than the color of her hair. It seems more natural and doesn't bore the reader.

A somewhat greater issue is the age-old issue of show-don't-tell. You tell us a whole lot, but you don't really show us. For example, we know that the main character is teased and humiliated. Instead of telling us through exposition, you may want to show this truth in action. Show us a scene of her being humiliated by her adversaries. It'd be a whole lot more impacting and it'd make a more lasting impression on the reader.

Anyway, that about wraps it up for me. Keep at it. It's a long and strenuous road, writing a decent novel. I've never done it, I doubt I ever will. Too challenging. But if you think you can, by all means, give 'em hell.

Kind regards,
Herr Schweinehund