Note- This is an edited version.
I woke up to the irritating sound of my alarm clock and groaned as I got out of my bed. I almost believed that all of what happened yesterday was a dream as I got dressed and went down for breakfast. But the awkward silence between me and my family told me differently, and this silence was very concerning.
I ate my breakfast in silence with my pet cat Oreo purring in my lap. After clearing my bowl from the table, I picked up my school bag and left the kitchen.
As I cycled to school, I thought about my decision. The cold morning air smelled of lavender which grew all across the town. I really wish I was able to enjoy it rather than thinking about how my life was rapidly changing.
"Hey." Said Hanna, and I realised that Hanna and Berry had cycled to my side while I was lost in my thoughts.
"What do you think you will do? I am not so sure if I want to actually become a part of the magic world." Said Berry in a small voice.
"I don't know. I think we should have more time to decide. What about you Hanna?"
"I was thinking the same thing. It's just too early, we need to know more about what we will be getting ourselves into." We had reached school and we parked our cycles in the school parking lot. Then we headed to our homeroom and then, our classes.
Most of my day, I was distracted. It wasn't only about the decision, I was wondering what my real parents were like. Would my life be any different if I grew up with them? And then I had a twin sister. What was she like? Had her childhood been the same as mine? I wish we had grown together, or she was with me right now. She would have known how I feel right now. Hanna and Berry are there but they don't know how I'm feeling.
I wanted to say yes so I could avenge my parents' death but I still had some doubts. In the end, I decided to decide later.
After school, we usually hang out at the frozen yogurt place near our school. Hanna couldn't since she had gymnastics today and Berry had a project in her music class. So I went back home.
The rest of the day was mostly normal, and so were the next two days.
On Saturday, however, when I came down for breakfast, my parents told me that there was some problem at Scylla's home and they were coming here.
"What problem?"
"Some Hollows have been spotted in their town. There is a chance that they were after them since you and Scylla are among the people wanted by Andromeda." My mom said as she started cooking.
"Why us?"
"Revenge." My dad said.
"Can't the Hollows follow them?"
"No, they will be traveling in a magical way that cannot be followed. They will recite the incantations and then they will disappear and appear in front of our house."
I remembered how the mysterious man and the monster had just appeared.
Shortly before dinner, the doorbell rang and my father answered the door. Four people stepped into the living room. A woman and man who I assumed as my paternal aunt and uncle and a boy who must be my cousin since he looked a lot like his parents. He looked the same age as Cleo. I felt like I had seen them all before but I didn't remember where and when.
Scylla was the last to enter. It was like looking at a different version of myself. The only way to tell us apart was by our clothes. She was wearing a knee-length white frock with floral patterns and I was wearing black jeans, a white top and a black leather jacket, my usual look.
I felt like some part of my brain, which was thinking this was some kind of prank had finally believed that it was real. She studied me just as I had studied her. We locked eyes and after a few moments, then we looked away.
"Scylla." She said extending a hand.
"Casandra," I replied as we shook hands.
"I'm Ross." My cousin brother said." And you must be." he said pointing at Cleo who had just returned from college. "Cleo." She said.
"You look so different from when I saw you before. That was like 12 years ago." He said hugging her.
"Ross, you look exactly the same." She replied, smiling.
My sister looked at my perplexed expression and said, "We were best friends back during your parents' wedding. We both lived in the Camden back then."
My aunt and uncle introduced themselves as Nathan and Kaitlyn. My mom was in the kitchen preparing dinner and my aunt went to help her. My dad and uncle were talking about some secret society stuff. Ross and Cleo were chatting.
"Scylla, you want to come see my room?" I asked her. Mainly I wanted to talk to her but I felt awkward so I thought if we were alone, it would be easier to talk.
"Sure." She replied. I got the feeling that she too, like me, was feeling very awkward.
I lead her through the house. My room was on the third level. When we entered, she seemed surprised. "Our rooms are very similar." She told me as she looked around.
"At least you won't get homesick. You know, assuming you stay here for a few days."
"Yeah.'
She looked at the photographs that covered the wall. "These your best friends?" She asked pointing at Hanna and Berry's picture. We were eating ice-cream while it was clicked.
"Yes, Hanna and Berry," I said.
"What are your best friends like?" I asked her after a few moments of silence, and I regretted it the moment I said it. She looked at me and I saw tears well up in her eyes. Since this was clearly a topic she wanted to avoid, I decided to not to mention it again. She blinked away her tears.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I know we just met but you can talk to me if you want to."
"It's okay. My best friend, Summer, is not part of the magical world. She doesn't know anything about me being raised by our aunt and uncle or anything else that has happened since my... our birthdays." She said. "So what have you decided, are you gonna join the magical world?"
"I haven't decided yet, but I think I should say yes. I want to avenge our parents' death, I just don't know if I would be able to. You?"
"I already said yes." She said looking at Hanna and Berry's picture, obviously thinking of her best friends. "And they? Are they part of our world?"
"Yes, but they seem uncertain about accepting." I wondered how much I will see them if they said no and I said yes. Would I even meet them again?
There was a knock on my door, jerking me away from my thoughts. I answered it to find Ross. "Callie is calling you both down for dinner."
"We better go, my mom doesn't like to wait."And we headed downstairs. Dinner was noisy for a change. Everyone was in high spirits.
After dinner, we were all chatting in the living room and the awkwardness between me and Scylla decreased a lot. We started talking about how our lives were before we were told about the existence of the magic world. Ross and Cleo were catching up on the 12 years they spent apart. My parents and aunt and uncle were chatting in the dining area. The way they were talking in lowered voices gave me the impression they were talking about something related to the secret society.
At about a quarter past ten, my mom told us to go to bed.
"Nathan and Kaitlyn, you can take the guest room on the second floor and Ross, you can sleep in the guest room opposite Cassandra's room. Cassandra, you will share your room with Scylla."
We headed to our rooms. I slept on my bed while Scylla slept in my sleeping bag on the floor. When I saw it, those memories of camping with my best friends came back to me and I realized how much I would miss those times. Part of the magical world or not, my life could never be the same again.
Scylla fell asleep almost instantly. I, on the other hand, kept turning until sleep finally came.
I had spent a whole week with Scylla, getting to know her better. We were getting closer. Ross and Cleo had already made their choice to stay in the magical world when they were 15. That was the age most witches and wizards made their choice. In our case, however, there were certain things we were destined to do and now was the time to decide. Accepting it or walking away.
I looked at my friends and then at the stranger. This was his third visit but he had not at all mentioned his name or who he was yet. He had visited two days ago to inform us the monster that had chased us earlier was completely wild and had sensed magical powers from this place. He was not here on a hollow's order. Whenever I asked him about who he was, he just said, "I can't tell you until you make your decision." Like the answer to more than half of the questions, I and Scylla had asked over the past few days. The biggest of them being, why we had to grow up separately.
I thought deeply. This was my last chance to change my mind. My instincts told me I was right and I wouldn't regret it. I finally spoke, aware that my destiny would change the moment I said the word. "Yes."
"Very well, Berry Willis, what is your choice?" The stranger said and I looked at her. I didn't know what either of them had concluded to. We had decided we would not tell each other about it before the final moment to avoid influencing each other's decision. I knew that if she said no, I would be disappointed, but I would support her decision whether yes or no.
She met my eyes and I saw the same uncertainty in her bright, blue eyes I had a few minutes ago. I nodded, trying to convey my message of support. She seemed to understand exactly what I meant. I was so thankful for a friend like her. We could understand each other so well.
"I have decided to..."
Find out if Hanna and Berry will accompany Casandra on her adventure that awaits ahead of her.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey! Back for another review.
.) A good way to show that emotion and good stuff is to try to show more instead of tell... sorry, back to that again. Once you practice it a bit, it gets easier. Sometimes it feels good to just write as much as you can and get it all done, but going into detail and describing more will help you get more into the story and overall, get your readers even more engaged and invested in the story.
I don't think that I mentioned this before, but I really enjoyed that they had the right to choose to be part of the magical world. To me that stuck out. Okay, so there were a few spots that felt a little iffy, which I know is hard with typing and transferring if you didn't write it on the computer originally.
One issue is some spots where you could work on showing... I think that another reviewer mentioned that so I don't want to dwell on it for too long. But it is a thing that you could fix throughout your writing.
Maybe vary some of your sentences a little, which is more of a personal preference than an actual worthy review note...
One thing that I enjoy doing is using a thesaurus (a real one, online works too but I prefer the hard copy, especially if I am typing on a computer) and try to change any words that I can to get a variety of words. This isn't exactly something that your story NEEDS NEEDS, but I feel that it could benefit from doing that. Also, it makes me feel like I'm getting things done and really improving my writing even if I just take 5-10 minutes to switch up a few of the words. It doesn't have to take even that long, you can just change a few and it helps any piece of writing. As long as the words actually fit and you don't make it a living, breathing dictionary. (Ya know. If what we wrote actually could live, and breathe... bad comparison. Ahhh...)
One last thing to fix is maybe trying to find better transitions throughout the story to help it flow a little better. This applies most to the beginning of this chapter and the time lapse.
To me, this part : "I wanted to say yes so I could avenge my parents' death but I still had some doubts. In the end, I decided to decide later. After school, we usually hang out at the frozen yogurt place near our school. Hanna couldn't since she had gymnastics today and Berry had a project in her music class. So I went back home.The rest of the day was mostly normal, and so were the next two days."
seemed a bit choppy, so maybe try rewording some of it and fix it up a bit.
There was another spot where it seemed a little off, in general with the exchange between Scylla and Cas...
"She studied me just as I had studied her. We locked eyes and after a few moments, then we looked away.
"Scylla." She said extending a hand.
"Casandra," I replied as we shook hands."
That one's a picky thing, but I think that it can be better.
A few things that I liked! The stranger!
"I looked at my friends and then at the stranger. This was his third visit but he had not at all mentioned his name or who he was yet."
Honestly, I really want to keep reading so that I know who he is. (And to keep reading to find out if Hanna and Berry join her... actually that is another thing that could be better... sorry. Ok. I'll just add here that maybe you could work to develop the friendship between Hanna and Berry and Cas a little bit more so that they seem like really close friends. If you have ever read Sherlock, that is one thing that Arthor Conan Doyle is absolutely terrible with. Sherlock always will say 'my dear friend Waston' or whatever, but there is no proof or anything that shows that they are friends. (That's why Moffat's Sherlock is better...) To me yours is already better than Arthor Conan Doyle's amount of friendship shown, but it could be improved a lot. Make me actually, Extremely, be worried about if Berry and Hanna will join Cass. Make me be sad and hate you (not really but. you get the point) if one of them doesn't join her. I realize that that's probably hard to fit in there, because you don't want it to be extremely long (don't worry too much about length as long as it's not TOO indepth... think about how long the readers would read for, or how much you would read about a certain part) or focused on the wrong things - Shakespeare's Hamlet the guy gets kidnapped by pirates and it's not even really a main plot point. At all. If you're going to include pirates in the story at least make them somewhat important. Seriously Shakespeare. I realize now that I'm referencing way to many things... sorry that's just me
That is what makes a story good- more than grammar or anything else. Does the reader ACTUALLY WANT to continue reading. How does the story make them feel, does it inspire something, will it be an important part of their lives, will it matter to them for more than the time that it takes for them to read it.
Ok! So I'm going to submit this so I can read the next chapter before bed!
Thanks so so much for reading and reviewing this far
Hey, Prachi!
It's FantasyWriter76, or Fantasy76 if you preferred, here to finally review this chapter of Reality! I want to say that this edition is a huge improvement since chapter one, so there isn't a lot to say, but I'll try to get out what I can!
The Positives:
Like said earlier, this is a huge improvement since your debut with Reality chapter one! Most nitpicks have been fixed, making the story look and feel more polished in comparison. The cliffhangers are strong with this one, I love the tenseness of the situation, given how it can affect the lives of Cassandra and the group on their journey into the world of magic! It's a great way to get readers hooked on a series.
The Negatives (Remember: ART IS SUBJECTIVE!):
There are some areas of the story can I couldn't help but notice was kinda off. I'm about to say some critical things, so if you find anything you find rude or insulting in any way can be ignored as thou pleases. (I like sounding like a medieval squire, I'm a geek! Pfft.)
There are some areas here and there that do not feel expanded upon enough. A good example would be the following: "I remembered how the mysterious man and the monster had just appeared." I feel that Cassandra just shrugs it off, and doesn't really ask anything a real person would like, "How does that happen?" or "How do you do that?"
It is really hard to keep a conversation in a book going when the reader has no idea who is talking in the first place. At the beginning here, Cassa' (To shorten her name so I don't have to type Cassandra every time.), Hanna, and Berry are talking about their decisions about entering the magic world, and this following sentence comes up: "I don't know. I think we should have more time to decide. What about you Hanna?" I don't know who is talking in this sentence, as it isn't said, and there are three people here. If it were two people talking, you could go back and forth on who's talking without having to list their name each time.
So when three people are talking, it is best to list their names to avoid confusion.
I also had this same problem, I would always "Write a sentence like this." Fantasy said. When writing dialogue, when you put *blank* said after a sentence, the sentence should end with a comma (,), and not a period (.). Don't worry, once you get this down, it becomes second nature (A term that means something you do perfectly without thinking, like breathing!)
Nitpicky area (Enter with caution!): A random space in front of a paragraph, grammar issues, typos. Etc, etc, etc. This area isn't as important as what is already listed, so yeah.
Overall, this chapter was almost as great as chapter one, maybe better in some ways! I give Reality Chapter 4 by Prachi 4 important decisions transitioned into cliffhangers out of 5 (4/5)! This was FantasyWriter76, and that's my review!
-Fantasywirter76/Fantasy76
Thanks for the review Fantasy76 %uD83D%uDE00. Cassandra was used to unusual things happening, like the mysterious objects appearing in her room. There were more things like this that happened, and which I will explain in the coming chapters. And Berry and Hanna also knew about them. So Their reaction was such. And she wanted to ask that question to the stranger and she did, but the stranger didn't answer.
Heyo, Prachi! I saw your post in the General Request Repository, so I thought I'd stop in for a quick Tuesday morning review! I've read the previous chapters, so I'm aware of the current plot happenings. Now, it's time to jump into my 299th review.
Just starting out the review to say that this is a good line!
Exchange the period for a comma and make the s in "said" lowercase. "Said" is describing the dialogue, therefore a comma is more appropriate than a period. In fact, the period makes the dialogue tag stand out awkwardly with no dialogue to connect to. I just noticed that you tend to end dialogue with periods, but then add dialogue tags. So, if you have a dialogue tag (she said, said Hanna, etc), then the dialogue should end in a comma; if you don't have a dialogue tag (describing the action after the dialogue but the action could stand on its own), then feel free to use all the periods you want. Hopefully that makes sense!
I think that you could definitely improve some with your transitioning scenes. In this case, I'm specifically talking about the bike riding scene. But basically, my advice is to add a bit more description to remind the readers of the transition. If the characters are still cycling on their bikes as they're talking, then maybe remind the readers of that fact as the wind rushes in their face or as they stop for a car. Maybe they'll pause for a bit to look at the normal houses that they're passing, remembering that their lives would never be the same.
This is another case of telling and not showing. Telling isn't inherently bad, but it can be a bit dull to read when that comprises the majority of a novel. If word count and chapter length permits, then I would probably give a concrete example of her distraction. If you alter around the bike riding scene -- maybe have Casandra meet up with Hanna and Berry first instead of originally thinking about her decision -- and then have her thinking about the decision during, let's say, math class. That could be a case of showing instead of telling. The reader could experience as she taps her pencil on the desk and stares off into the distance as the teacher calls for her attention. It's much easier to believe she's distracted when we're shown something!
So, the story is written in the past tense, but then there are these weird pockets of narration where Casandra refers to things as happening that day. "Hanna and Berry are there but they don't know how I'm feeling." Are, don't, and feeling are all words that bring the reader back to the present. Instead of saying "today", I would say "that day". Are=were, don't=didn't, how I'm feeling = how I felt.
I don't really see the need to gloss over this section via telling. Instead, personally, I would describe Casandra's descent down the stairs and maybe try and set the mood via description and tone. I would definitely describe how the parents look during this scene -- does the mom look stoic? Does the dad look distraught? Are their eyes red and puffy? Are they barely holding their composure?
This is very matter-of-fact. No emotion, just explanation. Now, of course, a lot of people react this way to big news (I know I do!), but I'm not exactly sure if this emotionless statement really fits for the scene. Maybe the mom's voice can crack or something? The stakes are being raised here -- Hollows are attacking! -- so I feel as if the characters' reactions could probably reflect that with their emotional state.
Breathing emotion into scenes
Here's a really good article that could help!
Here's a quick question: how does magic work within this universe? How does magic get its power? There's a magical realm and an elder council, but what's the source of all of this?
Here's a more concise way of explaining: "They looked familiar, but I couldn't exactly place why."
Here's one thing: I'm really enjoying how Casandra and Scylla are named after characters in Greek mythology. Cassandra, of course, being the woman who was cursed with her prophecies never being believed, and Scylla being a sea-monster who devoured men who got too close. I'm wondering if the nature of their namesakes will tie into their later characterization. It would be funny if Casandra somehow learned divination magic, although it would leave someone to wonder about the nature of Scylla... Well! That's just a thing to think about.
A minute is a long period of time to stare at someone. Heck, even ten seconds can get awkward. I'd suggest setting a timer and then just staring at something for two minutes, just to get a sense of how long that really is. Uh, personally, I would change minutes to moments.
Edited version: "Scylla," she said, extending a hand.
Whenever a different character speaks, then there needs to be a line break. Also, Ross and Cleo just stood around as Scylla and Casandra locked eyes?
Keep the ellipses to three periods! That's the standard!
Okay, that's pretty much what I have to say for this chapter. I briefly skimmed over what elysian had to say, but I hope I made some new points. I'm in agreement with the fact that you have definitely improved since chapter 1. The general narration, while still a bit stilted, is flowing a lot better. And, as I first pointed out, you have these nice little pockets of good description. If you expand on this, then you're on your way to being fantastic!
If you have any comments or questions, then feel free to let me know! I hope that you keep on writing!
-E
Thanks so much for the review %uD83D%uDE00%uD83D%uDE00%uD83D%uDE00
Hello! Back again.
choppy sentences - make it flow better
Just to Review:
(things I mentioned to work on in the last review)
Spoiler
show more instead of telling
plot moving too fast
characterization
grammar and spelling checks
dialogue formatting
make the reader care
add more originality (shadowhunters)
setting - be more descriptive
Let's get into it!
Grammar:
*yogurt
*thought
*she too, like me, was
*traveling
That seems to be it!
Story:
right off the bat, I notice this chapter is the longest one yet, very good job! I'm excited to see what you do with this kind of length
rewrite this: But the awkward silence between me and my family told me differently, and this silence was very concerning.
I like the part in bold, but this whole part reads awkwardly. Go into more detail and show me the thought process she's going through, and then instead of telling me quickly what happens when the character gets to school, add dialogue and show me the situation.
This is very boring and blunt. It's just telling the reader that everyone was doing something. Use more details, show me what's happening.
A couple things, magical word or world? And also, I feel like her getting this emotional is kind of unrealistic and seems cheesy. Maybe just say that she was obviously uncomfortable or her expression dropped. I also just feel awkward about this whole situation because I don't feel like I know much about this other world and I'm supposed to be as clueless as Casandra, so why does she know why she doesn't have friends? What does she really know about her situation that I don't know?
I'm very confused. Hanna and Berry are magical?? When was this stated?
I feel like in formal writing like this you shouldn't put the bolded part. Maybe after he speaks, say something to Scylla about how amazing her mom's cooking is. Or have Scylla ask who Callie is.
here is another place where you just skim over opportunities to really help us understand your characters better. We could've gotten to really know Scylla through Casandra getting to know her if you would've gone through this week in detail, but instead, you decided to just skip over it.
Okay, I just finished and I like the cliffhanger. I just really seemed to have missed the part where Hanna and Berry are also magical. I don't know, I can't help but feel like I'm missing so much in the story. Skipping over parts would be alright if this was a short story, but since it is a novel it doesn't make much sense.
Overall, I think this chapter showed a lot of improvement, and I'm glad you're applying the things people are saying. One huge thing though, it to slow down the pace and really take the time to explain what is happening. This will help the reader grow more invested in your story and really feel a connection to your characters, which is vital to the success of a novel.
Hope this help, can't wait to see what happens next!
- Delonie
Thanks so much for the review.
I will make changes to make it better.
Awesome!