Note- This is an edited version.
The monster just appeared out of nowhere and came right for us. It was larger than an elephant. It had brown fur. Its ears were hardly visible behind his large head. And man the stink, I could not breathe.
We cycled as fast as we could in the opposite direction. I was terrified, mostly because no one else could see it but us. We cycled all the way to the other part of town.
"Hanna and Berry, we have to split so that we can lose the monster. Hanna, you turn right and head towards the park. Berry, you turn left and head towards the fair. I will continue down this path and go through the woods. Let's meet at the mall once we lose the monster."
"Okay." They said together. We split and the monster decided to follow me. I made it into the woods but I was slowing down. I was exhausted and I doubted I could keep up with this. The smell was getting stronger as the monster got closer.
Then a man appeared out of thin air in front of me just like the monster had. His dark brown hair matched his charcoal colored eyes. He was fair and lean. He was wearing clothes that were covered with symbols from the book. I knew I had seen him before but I didn't remember who he was. He muttered a few incantations and the monster and the woods disappeared. I felt myself being lifted off the ground. I looked around, and my surroundings told me I had entered a completely different world. My feet could not feel a ground, and the sky was replaced by swirling colors that spread all around me.
"Who are you?" I said trying to sound more confident then I felt.
He just smiled at me and said, "You look just like your mother."
"You must be mistaken. I am often told I look nothing like my parents. Who are y...." But before I could complete my sentence I appeared in the food court in the mall. My friends were standing there, staring at me in disbelief.
He then disappeared in a cloud of yellow smoke. I walked towards my friend and we ordered breakfast.
"What was that?" Hanna asked as we ordered our sandwiches.
"I wish I knew."I then filled them in on everything that had happened since we split. Berry seemed pretty quiet all the while which wasn't like her.
"What happened to you Berry?"
"I was just wondering if this could be the madman your parents were talking about last night."
"Well, he didn't seem mad except for the fact that he thought I looked like my mother. And he did save me from the monster."
"What were the exact words your parents used?" I tried to remember exactly what had happened last night.
I woke up at about 12 and went downstairs to get water. "But we can't tell her yet." I heard my mother say from behind her bedroom door.
"I agree, but we need to at least warn her. We both know that he means no harm. He just sees this situation in a different way." This was my father's voice.
"But after his previous actions, you'd think he has gone mad. What if he does find us. What if he tells her?"
"He won't. He might not agree with it but according to law, he has to wait for us to decide. He can't really revoke the law, either."
"But if he appears, we have to move away."
"I agree." I heard him say before they switched off the lights and I went back to my room after getting water.
I told all of it to them. "Okay, now I am almost certain that he is the madman your parents were talking about."
"Maybe. Let's just go to my house and search for some clues in those mysterious objects I have. And remember not to mention any of this to my parents, they will probably move away ASAP."
We reached home at about 3 o'clock, the time I usually return from school. I entered my living room and saw the mystery man sitting on the couch, with the rest of the family, deep in conversation with my parents. As I entered, they all looked up.
"Casandra, there is something we need to tell you." My mom told me in a concerned voice. "Yes?" My father said, "Casandra, we never felt any difference between you and Cleo (my older sister) but we are not your biological parents, we are your maternal aunt and uncle."
"What!!"
Find out why Casandra was lied to and raised by her aunt and uncle instead of her parents in the next chapter
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hello! I'm back
Let's get right into it.
choppy sentences - make it flow better
Just to Review:
(things I mentioned to work on in the last review)
Spoiler
show more instead of telling
plot moving too fast
characterization
Okay, now for this chapter.
Before I even start to read, I notice this chapter is very short, which is okay, just something I noticed right off the bat. If this was in a book it would probably take up 1 and 1/4 of two pages, which is awkward. Of course, chapter length is totally up to the author and doesn't really affect the story overall.
*nowhere
*It was larger than
*Its ears were
something I use to check for grammar mistakes is Grammarly, it's free! (However, you can upgrade to get the more advanced checker, which may help for a final draft of a novel if you were planning to send it to publishers.)
I'm just gonna go through and catch all the grammar mistakes, to help you in the long run and save you time
*lose instead of loose
*Hanna, you turn
*Let's
I'm not sure this makes sense.
*off
*madman
*the law, he has
*madman
*Let's
*mysterious objects
okay, now into the actual story.
This is very much like you're telling the reader instead of showing the reader. You often do this by putting the subject and then describing it each sentence. Instead, try switching the two around and adding more details.
when writing dialogue, there are specific rules you must follow, including separating a line everytime someone new is talking. For example, I will rewrite the paragraph above with the correct format, but the same exact words.
"Who are you?" I said trying to sound more confident then I felt.
He just smiled at me and said,"You look just like your mother."
"You must be mistaken. I am often told I look nothing like my parents. Who are y...." But before I could complete my sentence I appeared in the food court in the mall. My friends were standing there, staring at me in disbelief.
see? now just do that for the rest of the dialogue in the chapter
Okay, I just finished the chapter, and I gotta bring attention to the fact that things are happening way too quickly. If you want to write a novel, you have to tell the story in a way that's realistic, which includes timing. It needs more depth for it to feel real to me. why should I care that this is happening? Cause right now, I don't, because you haven't taken the time for the reader to really get to know the main character before adding all this drama, and it's moving too fast for the reader to really understand why to care that this is happening to this character. Does that make sense?
Also, this is feeling very shadowhunters to me. I totally understand pulling inspiration from different places, but be careful not to completely take the storyline and world from shadowhunters and instead make it your own! Put a twist in it somehow. It's not enough to just change the characters, you have to make the plot seem original!
hope this helps, pm me if it doesn't! onto chapter three
- Delonie
thanks for the review
I'm FantasyWriter76, and I'm here to review your newest chapter of Reality.
To start off, I think it would be better to take your foot off the gas pedal. I would usually start with the good stuff, but I'll save it for later.
Now the first chapter was near perfection for me. The pacing was good for a first chapter and the set-up was pretty good. But I have to stop it there. The 4-6 paragraphs have equally awkward in pace and dialogue. Without any further knowledge of how Casandra, Hanna, and Berry coordinate, it looks like Casandra just suddenly took control of her friends, which doesn't make her look good. Also the transition from meeting the madman and then deciding to go right to get sandwiches. I feel just forgetting like the confrontation with the madman ever happened isn't the best way to convey the characters right after their friend who was being chased and then suddenly disappeared and reappeared from a realm of yellow smoke. Finally, many more errors than the last chapter, once again just nitpicking.
Now the good stuff, I love all the action in this chapter, one thing I adore is when an adventure finds the best kind of progression. And the subtle hints at Casandra's parent not actually being her parents was amazing! Great plot twist!
Overall, this was a pretty decent chapter, but you should really proofread and rewrite your story before publishing it.
- FantasyWriter76
Thank you for the review.
Please feel free to ignore my advice it is not meant to offend you or hurt you nor make your story seem bad or demean it, however brace yourself for impact regardless of what I have previously stated that said . . .
1. What I liked
I loved the action in this chapter and of course how real it all seems.
2. Plot & Style
Okay your plotting has improved greatly nothing here.
3. Emotion & Thoughts
Offender alert!
Okay I still think you could describe how Casandra is feeling. For example when she is running from the monster, mention that her heart was pounding fearfully, or talk about how she was desperate to escape the monster. Also when it comes to the moment when she is saved by who I assume to be her real father, tell us what she felt. You could describe her nervousness and unease. Finally when she is told that she was raised by her aunt and uncle describe her shock and perhaps anger at the fact she was lied to. It will help Casandra to be more real. More human.
4. Style and Drafting
When you get to the discussion between her uncle and aunt about rather or not to tell her I think you should arrange it this way:
"But we can't tell her yet." I heard my mother say from behind her bedroom door.
"I agree, but we need to at least warn her. We both know that he means no harm. He just sees this situation in a different way."
"But after his previous actions, you'd think he has gone mad. What if he does find us. What if he tells her?"
"He won't. He might not agree with it but according to law he has to wait for us to tell her first. He still has respect left for the society. And besides, he knows that she is too young." "But if he appears, we have to move away."
"I agree."
Perhaps with some extra spaces between. Also when her uncle (Or Aunt?) says
He might not agree with it but according to law he has to wait for us to tell her first.
I think you might need to put a comma after ''it''.
Then this sentence
And besides, he knows that she is too young.
I think you could remove and. It sounds better with just Besides, he knows . . . .
Also you really need to let us know who is saying what, with that conversation.
5. Encouragment
Nice work. Actually I think this is good writing. I will certaintly be looking forword to the next chapter. Amazing job!
6. Overall
Overall I enjoyed it, and I guess I like this story.
Thanks for the review. I was hoping to include how Casandra feels about the whole being raised by her aunt and uncle in the next chapter. I will try to do a better job on feelings in the next chapter. I will edit the conversation to make it better.