Both knees stained green,
lathered in dirt and grime,
a world, before I have seen;
let's rewind the time.
-
Macaroni and smiles full of cheese;
blind, but with the clearest eyes.
Take me back, please
before I was "wise."
-
Let me escape from this scum,
emerge from my suffocation.
With a heart as rich as a plum,
when giggles were my only intoxication.
-
Soften me, baby blanket,
make me feel whole.
My memories become more vacant,
where are you, my Soul?
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
So beautiful.
I like how you sadly try to recall memories of a childhood that seems so far away and lost.
Your language is really inspiring and poetic, I would have loved to get more from it, because I'm hooked on the sadness and pain. Keep up the good work.
Yours truly
Mysterium
TheSliv16,
)
Hey, thats was a beautiful peom, though let me be a bit honest with myself and to your writing. there are places where i felt i lost the continuity. like
"Macaroni and smiles full of cheese;
blind, but with the clearest eyes."
The last two paragraphs actually churn out the meaning from the poetry. I specially loved the last two lines. This is so relatable. I still am in a learning process. but i can say that a peom like this, which is a bit abstract and deep meaning, looks more beautiful without a rhyme (it's my personal opinion,
keep writing.. you are doing a great job .
warm regards
TheSliv16,
)
Hey, thats was a beautiful peom, though let me be a bit honest with myself and to your writing. there are places where i felt i lost the continuity. like
"Macaroni and smiles full of cheese;
blind, but with the clearest eyes."
The last two paragraphs actually churn out the meaning from the poetry. I specially loved the last two lines. This is so relatable. I still am in a learning process. but i can say that a peom like this, which is a bit abstract and deep meaning, looks more beautiful without a rhyme (it's my personal opinion,
keep writing.. you are doing a great job .
warm regards
Nice poem TheSliv16 !!!!! This TheMastermind here with a review that I hope you'll like.
The poem was very impressive and the rhythm is perfect. It reminds me of the memories that make as all nostalgic about our childhood.
My favourite lines were
Both knees stained green,
lathered in dirt and grime,
a world, before I have seen;
let's rewind the time.
-
Macaroni and smiles full of cheese;
blind, but with the clearest eyes.
Take me back, please
before I was "wise."
-
Let me escape from this scum,
emerge from my suffocation.
With a heart as rich as a plum,
when giggles were my only intoxication.
-
Soften me, baby blanket,
make me feel whole.
My memories become more vacant,
where are you, my Soul?
I selected all because I liked the whole poem.
Very impressive, Sliv!
I can't say that I have anything to change, really, although this line- "Macaroni and smiles full of cheese;" -seemed slightly awkward.
Really cool, though! I like the message.
Also, this is my favorite part:
"Let me escape from this scum,
emerge from my suffocation.
With a heart as rich as a plum,
when giggles were my only intoxication."
It makes me think of how tiring an adult's life is, and how he or she probably wants to go back to being a carefree little kid again.
Well done. Hope to see more from you!
-Falco
Thanks for the feedback! Yes, I wasn't too confident on the whole cheese thing, but I wanted to do a play on words with this one. I was going for the fact that the macaroni back then was cheesy (because mac and cheese is the epitome of childhood), and then when adults are taking pictures of children, they usually say "Say cheese!" So that was what I was going for with the smile part! Just wanted to try something new!
I appreciate the positive review! Thanks again!
No problem! And yes, I definitely associate macaroni and cheese with childhood.
Oh, I wasn't thinking about saying cheese for pictures! That's too cool. 
Wow! Really, wow!
Your writing's backed up by a clear rhyme scheme, you have lots of great metaphors, and (even better), you give us this line:
This single lines takes all the emotions you described so eloquently and placed them gently into our minds as a FEELING, that is-- the silky touch of a baby blanket.
A NOTE: the rhyming was masterfully pulled off, but I'd love to know... did you ever consider putting this to a simple melody? I think this would work really well as a song. Although you're very good at working these words in naturally, one or two seem a little "clunky" (for instance, "cheese" and "please") because of the... blatantness of their syllables. I don't know anything, though.
Great job. I look forward to your work.
IronSpark