Young Writers Society

Hey Shauzer, Hiraeth here for a review. I like what you've written here, the idea itself is very unique and there is a lot of potential in it. And right now I don't think you're unpacking this story enough. Tom can be a very powerful character if you extend this story into something that has a beginning, a dilemma and an end.

Right now, the descriptions of Tom are very intriguing but the thing is right now they lack a life of their own. What you've given us is very sweet and short, but it also poses many questions and openings. I assume Tom has dementia or a disease similar to that, and right now Tom is in third person. It'd be great if we could get inside Tom's head and see just exactly how he feels when he feels so trapped in an old man's body.

You see, Tom Harper is an incredibly young man.

Hey! This is Damien, writing a quick review. Im still new to this so sorry if its not that good.

Well... This short story is excellent! You manage to pack such great description and powerful emotions into such a small space!

The way you describe how his body is old, strained, and one would thin he is sad and feels old, but then you say how he feels happy, lost in his memories, trapped in a happy place.

From just the to paragraphs I can tell Tom Harper is a good man, with good memories.

This is a great story and I hope you write more like this!

Hi!!

This is a beautiful, short piece. I really don't have any criticism. Bravo, hats off to you!

~Tiffany

Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.

Story: The story is quite short, but definitely heartfelt. You tell the story in such a way that I see Tom Harper's almost entire life in the words even though the story is a few paragraphs long. I like that you described his current state before proceeding to tell me about him. That way I got to know his character.

Characters: Well there really is only one character and that is Tom Harper. He seem like a nice person and I kind of feel sorry for him at first, but then you describe that he his happy in his mind and that it is almost as though he isn't even there anymore, so I ended up really liked his character, which is good.

Description: You use a lot of description in the first paragraph purely to describe the state of the character, but then towards the end you use the description and emotions mixed together, so that you really feel what the character is feeling. I would say that your description is your strong point.

Small problems: As for small problems, I really don't have any.

Over all a great story and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.