Tom Harper is an incredibly old man.
One could tell so by the wrinkles framing his sunken face, the independent wisps of hair clinging to his freckled scalp and the wheezy expulsion that was each one of his tired breaths – pushed out into a younger world. His legs were stripped of function many years back, and they now hang loosely over the rim of his wheelchair, dangling in a most demeaning manor; his lips are frail slivers of things that look almost unsatisfied to be on his graying face; his belly looks ready to birth his ribs, the surface rising and dipping in a way that used to mean he had muscle – and his entire physical demeanor screamed the word ‘old’.
But Tom is not sitting in that wheelchair, eyes locked on his billionth sunset – as is the assumption of the orderlies who feed him. Tom is hidden somewhere deep in the echo of his youth, a drink in hand and the stain of his wife’s lips on his own – they were fuller back then. His ears pick up a silence too loud to listen to, yet they are filled with the song that played at his wedding, and the laugh his baby girl made when he held her in his arms – now she has two of her own. He is existent only on the periphery of time’s observation; he is trapped, quite literally, in his own mind. It is a beautiful prison.
You see, Tom Harper is an incredibly young man.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey Shauzer, Hiraeth here for a review. I like what you've written here, the idea itself is very unique and there is a lot of potential in it. And right now I don't think you're unpacking this story enough. Tom can be a very powerful character if you extend this story into something that has a beginning, a dilemma and an end.
Right now, the descriptions of Tom are very intriguing but the thing is right now they lack a life of their own. What you've given us is very sweet and short, but it also poses many questions and openings. I assume Tom has dementia or a disease similar to that, and right now Tom is in third person. It'd be great if we could get inside Tom's head and see just exactly how he feels when he feels so trapped in an old man's body.
This, this is not the end to a story. This is the start of something more, he's an incredibly young man yet trapped in an old man's body. Do you see the potential this has, if you take this in the right direction. It'd be amazing. Right now for me, this story is like a sweet teaser. if you do decide to expand this, please tell me. I'd love to read it.
-Hir
Thanks Hiraeth, I would expand but the idea behind this was really just to make people understand that being old doesn't change your personality or who you are, just your physical appearance. That was pretty much it. Thanks though, maybe I will expand it at some point
Hey! This is Damien, writing a quick review. Im still new to this so sorry if its not that good.
Well... This short story is excellent! You manage to pack such great description and powerful emotions into such a small space!
The way you describe how his body is old, strained, and one would thin he is sad and feels old, but then you say how he feels happy, lost in his memories, trapped in a happy place.
From just the to paragraphs I can tell Tom Harper is a good man, with good memories.
This is a great story and I hope you write more like this!
Thanks Damien
Hi!!
This is a beautiful, short piece. I really don't have any criticism. Bravo, hats off to you!
~Tiffany
Thanks a lot Tiffany
Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Story: The story is quite short, but definitely heartfelt. You tell the story in such a way that I see Tom Harper's almost entire life in the words even though the story is a few paragraphs long. I like that you described his current state before proceeding to tell me about him. That way I got to know his character.
Characters: Well there really is only one character and that is Tom Harper. He seem like a nice person and I kind of feel sorry for him at first, but then you describe that he his happy in his mind and that it is almost as though he isn't even there anymore, so I ended up really liked his character, which is good.
Description: You use a lot of description in the first paragraph purely to describe the state of the character, but then towards the end you use the description and emotions mixed together, so that you really feel what the character is feeling. I would say that your description is your strong point.
Small problems: As for small problems, I really don't have any.
Over all a great story and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Thanks felistia. Much appreciated. Nice thing to see before sleep