Would anyone care if I melted into the shadows?
How long before I was just a name too far to reach?
A week?
Maybe two.
But even I don't belong in the shadows.
They whisper about me behind my back.
I can hear them in my dreams.
How I long to join the stars,
But they are too far away to care.
I feel myself pulling away,
But I have nowhere to stay.
Maybe…
Just maybe…
Could I stay with you?
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Alright this poem is pretty cool and helps the reader feel what you're going through. But from description and the rest of the poem it makes it seem like you feel you don't belong anywhere. That being said I suggest you switch "But even I don't belong in the shadows." to "But I don't even belong in the shadows." The way you have it makes it seem like even you don't belong in the shadows... like know one belongs there. Not just you. You know what I mean? I'm sorry if that's confusing haha. Overall good poem
Hey there, welcome to the site! I thought I’d take a look at this…
Try to avoid using surplus words in poetry – it’s all about building strong images as concisely as you can.Specifics
1. Title – Melting Away is a slightly ordinary title. I’ve heard the phrase a lot when linked with depression or someone who’s melting into the background. I think ‘melting’ itself is a really nice word but for this title to stand out, you need to do something new with it. For example, you could combine it with a word it wouldn’t normally be seen beside like ‘Melting Glass’ or ‘Melting Point of a Sunrise’ – think of things which don’t traditionally melt but could be described as doing so.
2.
3. The tense is a bit odd here and the imagery isn’t interesting enough. I think you need to play with your words more and think outside the box. Maybe something like:
How long until I’m a single syllable, too small to hear
Or a silent letter in the middle of a ghost.
4. How does the persona not belong in the shadows? I think it would be interesting to expand on that thought and to tell us why they don’t belong there either.
5.
Overall
I think you’ve got a strong theme, something which everyone can relate to but at the moment, you’re not doing anything new with it. Try to add in some more unique imagery and to really dig down into what melting into the shadows might mean for you or your persona. For everyone, it’s something slightly different. Like, for me, the fear would be in being forgotten or it being like I never even existed at all – hence the ‘h’ in ghost. It might as well not be there for all the impact it has on the word and yet it is, just yearning for someone to hear it or notice it.
These are the kind of fears you can play with and someone out there will share the fear or recognise some element of it in the way they feel and being able to describe that in a new and powerful way would make this poem much stronger.
I’d recommend reading ‘A certain slant of light’ by Emily Dickinson – it combines imagery and emotion really well and I feel like that’s what you’re aiming for in this piece.
Best of luck with your writing!
~Heather
What you said helps a lot, but if I'm being honest I was writing to get the emotions out, not to actually write something good.
That's okay as well - I use poetry as an emotional outlet too