It seems like society's always pushing towards the top,
But they never mention all of those that have dropped.
Can you solve the equation on the board?
Can you even manage not to fall upon your own sword?
Always pushing us trying to force us to deduce,
Never once teaching us how to untie the noose.
Can you tell me why that animal can't survive in the wild?
Can you even remember what your dreams were as a child?
Who did it? Who was this? Who dyed this heart black?
I already know, but I'm stuck in this track,
Just another statistic upon a spreadsheet.
It’s too hard, I can't do it, the systems got me beat.
There's no equation that tells me how to keep going.
As these tears start to drop, my heart's started slowing.
It seems like society's always pushing us ahead.
But as you stumble make sure not to trip over the dead.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,041 Literary Works • 672,928 Reviews
Hello ThePhantomPrince, it's Turtles514 here and I'll review your work today.
First off this is an intense, eye-catching poem with rhyming that just pulls everything together. In the end I don't see any mispellings or grammar mistakes which is an accomplishment really. However l am no professional writer so there could be some hidden things I missed. Overal though I really enjoyed reading this it's complex and connected to how the real world works with society and such.
Turtles514
Hello, Godly here for a review and welcome to YWS!
Overall this poem is well structured and keeps to the rhyming scheme you have created. You seem to put across the idea that we are growing blind to the world around us and are falling into the trap of a brainless following. This is shown via but they never mention and other examples that call similar throughout. This way you show to us as a reader that society is trying to make us look as good as possible so the reputation of the community is kept in a good light. This, you convey well throughout. I also like your use of rhetorical questions. This helps the reader to think and consider what you are talking about - a smart move that you have used well. Whilst I do emphasise the importance of this, be sure to use it at powerful times whenever you write a poem as it makes it more impactful and enhances the poem in its entirety.
The only point the poem didn't really work was when you said:
Who did it? Who was this? Who dyed this heart black?
I already know, but I'm stuck in this track,
Whilst the first line is powerful and makes a lot of sense, the second is a little confusing. What track? This sounds more like a compensation for the rhyming scheme than anything else. Whilst I can kind of get the idea that you are stuck on the path that they have laid out, it doesn't entirely fit so I urge you to reconsider this couplet.
Other than that the rhyming scheme is pretty solid and I can't see any major grammatical or punctual errors within the poem so well done on that!
I look forward to seeing more from you on this site in the future!
All the best,
Godly