Bang! Shakespeare dumped a tray of food down on Alpines desk, “em, what is this?” He inquired confusedly
“Well if you ate it you might find that it is a plate piled with lots of, food, carrots, potatoes, chicken and some kind of muffin thing that tastes really good”
“Why?” was all Magnus could think to say, “really?” Shakespear sighed “because you need to eat! You skipped lunch again!”
“Oh, oh yeah, well I wasn’t hungry, I forgot, and I wanted to do some more work on my project”
“You can’t keep ‘forgetting’ to eat! Your gonna kill yourself”
“I will eat” Magnus flicked his wrist and the whole tray as well as everything on it levitated so he could take a better look at everything, choosing one thing he grabbed it in his hand and sent the tray and its contents across the room and out the door letting it come down gently on the floor
“A potato,” he said taking a bite and smiling at Shakespeare,
Harris sighed once more and pulled a chair up to Magnus’s desk, “so you still won’t tell me what your ‘project is?”
“Nope, good potato but where’s the tea?”
“For the last time, the cafeteria doesn’t serve tea”
“Huh well they should, I mean aren’t we in Europe? Why does nobody ever have tea around here? Or spaghetti for that matter”
“Alright, well I’m gonna go jump off a cliff, rig the mountain to blow, and put up a website that sells nuclear launch codes for seven dollars and three cents,” he said sarcastically walking out of the room
“Ok, you do that” Alpine replied going back to his drawings.
. . .
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140,247 Literary Works • 673,060 Reviews
Hello, MythMaster!
I found this part a bit shorter than the last one, but Magnus is working on a secret project, and he's so caught up in it that he's forgetting to eat. Well, I hope he remembers next time.
I like how you started this off by appealing to the senses.
It looks like he does really have superpowers! Thank you for capitalizing the sentences (don't forget your commas). Also, why is a potato the food of Magnus' choice?
Overall, this part is written well, although a bit more descriptions of their surroundings would be nice.
-Truly, Mingan
Follow your heart, and nothing can go wrong. (concerning writing)
Hey thanks for the review!
I%u2019m glad u like it,
Magnus is picky about food, but he likes potatoes
I%u2019m not sure why that do,ment is all garbled?
Heyoo, Ell here with a review!
Let's get started! Alright, starting us off with:
I like how in this chapter, we get to see more about the relationship dynamics between everyone!
For this section, I think it would benefit from being broken up into a couple of sentences, rather than staying as one. It'll flow much better if you have an even distribution of short and long sentences.
hahahaaa! So we're DEFINITELY getting an idea of Magnus's personality now, which I think you do very well!
Overall: I love these normal friendships even in a global, magical spy organization! And you definitely gave us very individual voices for each character, which I appreciate. Some things to think on: varying the length of your sentences- that can really help with the overall flow of your story and lets us get to know the pattern of your characters' inner monologues! And sometimes it gets a little confusing with all the nicknames. I really did enjoy this chapter, and I'm excited to read some more! And remember, take what you think was helpful out of this review and leave the rest. XD
hey, thanks for the review!
um with the part about jumping off a cliff and stuff it was actually supposed to be Harrison talking, I think some of the formatting changed when I pasted it from gdocs
k i fixed that piece of dialogue