The door finally shut, Happy and Tony had showed them their rooms and then stayed and talked about rules, more rules Leonard thought they had gone through everything in the car but apparently there was more, mostly stuff about staying out of everyone else's way, and not going in the vault or (if he comes up) talking to Loki, Narcissa looked confused but Leonard knew they both knew enough history to understand, and logically if the norse god of thunder existed why not his brother?
Also they had said there would be a mandatory meeting at 2:00 where they could meet “the others” , likely the rest of the avengers.
Leonard sat down on one of the bedsand, glanced around "so, emotions?" neither him nor Nar were ever good with small talk so he got straight to the point
Narsissa leaned on the door frame."well...It's big? very cementy looking... oh wait, you meant the team? "
"I sorta meant the whole being an avenger thing"
"ah, well maybe be more specific next time,"she glanced out the window,"it's sort of exciting. The Americans seem to be very passionate about them. Well you know Americans, what time is that meeting again? I don't like to be late."
"uhh 2;00" he looked at her then at the door "my, what do you think mum and dad would think?"
"Well it is 1:45, now, we should head out soon. I'm not sure what they would think, it's been a while. I suppose they might be proud."
"Yes your right we should make good impressions" of course that wasn't really what he thought, he wanted to scout out the place, especially this "Vault" he needed to make a mental map of the place, it was something of a habit of his, also he was just curious. just what would one find in a superheroes vault?
Narsissa, pushed herself off the door frame, "right, I will let you get settled, Tony said he would send someone to take us to the meeting, they better be early."
With a tip of her head, she ducked back into her own room, nudging the door shut.
"k, I'll be here"
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hey there! Plume here, with a review!
I've only really had surface level knowledge about the avengers/the whole MCU, so I'm not sure how much help I can be with stuff in terms of characters/lore, but it seems like this chapter is mostly focusing on your OCs, so that's a plus for me, I guess. Even though my knowledge of the MCU is limited, I did really enjoy reading this! I think it's a really fun idea, and I do really enjoy reading fanfiction, so this was a really great read.
One thing I really liked about this piece was the tone. I can tell that the writers really had fun and again, like I said before, it's a really innovative and cool concept! I really liked how you paced the piece too, where you took a more objective and third person look at the part where rules were explained but then went more in the moment when you had your characters discuss their reactions, which was a smart choice. It kept the readers more hooked on the story.
Specifics
Okay. So. This whole first paragraph is one biiiig run on sentence. I highly suggest that you break it up into more sections. I'd suggest doing something like this:
I feel like that would help clear up the messiness of the original paragraph. Of course, that's just my interpretation. You can take it or leave it, but I would recommend breaking down the paragraph somewhat.
First off: you need a space between "beds" and "and." Also, I feel like the dialogue was a little oddly placed in this paragraph. Personally, I'd end the sentence after "glanced around" and then capitalize the "s" in "so" so that it's a new sentence as well. I feel like it might look better as something like this:
I feel like that makes it a bit cleaner and a bit more legible.
Tiny thing: you used the wrong form of "your/you're" here. It should be "you're," since you're trying to say "Yes you are right."
Overall: nice work! I really had a fun time reading this piece, and I do hope you continue it. Until next time!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okay....well this one had a couple of things that sounded off to me, for the most part I like the way this story here is progressing, it does seem like it will be fun...but uhh...well I'll get into more detail down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...nice little introduction there...seems like a fair set of rules that you would expect to find at a place like that...and this also adds some interesting things to help figure out where in the timeline this is all going down.
Well it looks like they're going to be left alone to their thoughts for a while there.
Well that was quite a vaguiesh response followed by a fairly abrupt change in subject. Should I be suspicious at this point because that was somewhat suspicious behavior. No one changes subject quite that fast after such a generic response.
Two conversation topics at once there is a little confusing to follow, also sounds a touch scripted somehow...I don't know, its doesn't sound like how people would talk....maybe through texting but speaking...it sounds a little off to me....meh...take it as you will.
Well...he's ...that kind of person...okay...well I will probably not ending up liking this guy...oh well.
Narsissa seems fun for the moment at least. That's a plus.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall I think you've done a pretty decent job here. Just a couple of maybe somewhat nitpicky things for me to point out. Anyway...that's about all I've gotta say here. I prolly will read more parts of this should it be posted.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks for the review
You made some good points