Return Of The Heir Prologue

Hi TheMythMaster!

It's been a bit since I reviewed a novel, so I thought I'd check out yours. c:

I'll start with the prologue's plot. I really like how you chose to focus on the antagonist instead of the protagonist; it gives the reader a sense of what to expect from your big bad later on in the story. While the prince does seem harsh and presumably just had his brother killed, he isn't completely a tyrant. He doesn't follow the trope of killing/banishing those that disobey him.

We also get a good look into Prince Orestin's subordinates. There's Lewis Crawford, who was working on an unspecified project and is now in charge of royal executions. There's also an unnamed assassin that the prince trusts but Lewis strongly dislikes. A lot of stories gloss over how antagonists in positions of power get their work done, so props to you for including more than just the main villain here!

I'm really curious to see how the protagonist hinted at in the bold text will interact with Orestin, Lewis and the assassin in future chapters. Lost royalty is a really fun trope, and you have a great set-up for the rest of the story with this prologue!

Now, onto some critiques:

One of the first things that stuck out to me was the dialogue. There's nothing wrong with dialogue-heavy sections, but one way you could make this even better than it already is by adding more description. There's so much the reader doesn't know about the scene. What does the study look like? How does the prince carry himself and what exactly does he look like? It's also implied that this isn't the first time that Orestin has hired the unnamed assassin, so I'd love to learn more about Lewis's disdain for her.

You don't have to info-dump or reveal everything about these guys just yet, but there's a lot you could expand on to get the reader more hooked.

There's also the grammatical side of the dialogue. Dialogue rules can definitely be tricky, but I found an awesome guide on Tumblr years ago that explains different dialogue rules through dialogue. This site is another great resource to check out when formatting dialogue.

There's a few grammatical issues throughout this prologue, but here's two spots in particular that I thought I should point out. The first quote in the set is the original text, while the second is my revised version--the change is in bold and underlined.

“Yes, master?” Lewis Crayford entered his master’s study, “was it not you who requested entry to my quarters?”

“Yes, master?” Lewis Crayford entered his master’s study.

"Was it not you who requested entry to my quarters?”

“Oh yes the “project” um right, well it's not going exactly- that is to say there have been a few hiccups”

“You’ve “Hiccuped” one too many times lately”

“Oh, yes. The 'project'. Um, right. Well, it's not going exactly-that is to say there have been a few hiccups.”

“You’ve 'hiccuped' one too many times lately."

I really liked everything in bold... but are you familiar with the concept of punctuation?

The writing in bold is really intriguing! But the rest of it falls a little flat, and the lack of periods and commas where they should be drives me a little nuts while reading.

I do think, however, that if you pick up the story's pace and get somebody to proofread for you, this will be really good!

Hello,

So, I was reading your prologue, and I noticed that it seemed to be a beginning of a story. Usually, a prologue is a flashback, like in the perspective of the queen who hid her son, or one of the kings, all those years ago, during revolution, or whatever you want to call it. Change in power? Massacre? I don't know. Anyway, I thought it was a little confusing, and had to read the first few sentences multiple times because it said the main character was a guy, then it used the pronoun she. I realize now that it was the assassin, but the story wasn't clear that his master had a guest. Maybe you could develop the setting when he walks into the office, including the assassin?
Also, just a thought, assassins are usually brutal and get what they want, so maybe she would kick up a little more of a fuss than she did when he kicked her out. Again, just a thought.
But I thought the main story line was good, and I think it could develop into something. Good luck!

Hi TheMythMaster,

Mailice here with a short review!

I'll start with the bold text. I think it's great narration and feels very much like it's from an omniscient narrator's perspective, first talking about a murder that feels a bit like a downfall and then talking about the hope that gives you new courage. This kind of writing is crucial to the beginning of the story and entices the reader to read on.
But I also think you can change the structure of the sentence a bit. The sentence itself is very long and it says "kill" and "king" two times.If you split it a bit, you could even add some information, like where the heir was killed or how he was murdered? But really only the length of the sentence needs to be trimmed here. If you split it a bit, you could even add some information, like where the heir was killed or how he was murdered? But really only the length of the sentence needs to be trimmed.

You build up a good tension in your second part of the prologue by keeping everything in dialogue. I think you've done a good job of keeping the reader hooked, wanting to know more. I really like the scene because it's like an intro to a film where you only gradually understand the meaning behind it.

I don't know if the room will remain relevant in the course of the story or if the characters will, but I think you could still expand the descriptions a little. What does the master's study look like? What about the characters? You've already built up an atmosphere through the dialogue, but it hasn't quite transferred yet. What kind of meeting is it? At what time of day does it take place? These are the questions I ask myself here. I would explain it as you managed to light the candle with the beginning of the text, but with the second half it looks like you have to keep trying with a new match to get the story going. At the moment it seems "blind".

Away from the lack of descriptions, I found it exciting and thrilling for the prologue. It leaves the reader with some questions. I also like that you start off like this, without much back story to draw the reader in.

You managed to arouse my curiosity with this short prologue and I hope you'll keep working on the project!

Have fun with the writing!

Mailice.

If ur reviewing please be as blunt as you want this is a first draft so I'm open to any suggestions