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S.H.A.D.O.W Chapter 1. Many Meetings (part 3/3)

by TheMythMaster


                                                                 . . .

"Would operative seven, five A, please report to the sentient project observations department for his scheduled appointment" the loudspeaker blared and Alpine's head shot up from his sketchbook immediately hitting the shelf over top of his desk

Alpine rushed out of his room closing the door behind him with a telekinetic flick of his finger and bounding down the hall, usually this kind of thing wouldn’t bother him but he’d been late for these appointments so much lately it was starting to get on his nerves.

he slammed through the door, nearly hit one of the round control staff coming up to the dorms.

he then jumped straight of the stairs hit the ground in a roll, turned a corner, and blasted through the big double doors that led to the main courtyard.

across from the double doors and the main part of the castle was a large ominous wall, actually, it was just the mountain continuing on past the ledge that Reichenbach castle was built on but everyone here called it 'the Wall' because it was such a sheer steep part of the mountain.

all around the courtyard were various things, mostly to do with intel and technology, one side was dominated mostly with a large array of satellite dishes and radar, while the other was full of marked-off areas where new gadgets and tech were being tested.

Walking across the courtyard as fast as he could without looking suspicious to the guards, he quickly reached the side opposite the main keep and strod through yet more large double doors and entered into the mountain.

inside the mountain the walls were mostly concrete, the only exception was the small hallway leading off the main hall to the Directors office and room.

averting his gaze from that hall in case the director was there and perhaps noticed him, Magnus scanned his security card and broke into a run down the large hall.

reaching the end he turned and entered the last of the doors opposite the side of the way leading to the directors office, he went through taking one last glance at the clock on the wall just to make sure he was on time.

Alpine closed the door quietly and proceeded down the hall, strange that there wasn’t anyone waiting for him

he had rushed over here but he was still ten minutes late and after being late so often the scientists were more than likely to send someone to come and get him, he took a right turn into the research division, down the hall he heard the door click before he saw it open, out of it walked DR. Cedatrum at his side was the new operative, he couldn’t remember her name but it was something with a V.

Magnus jumped silently to the side out of their view and into an equipment closet. leaning the side of his head against the door he listened.

"yes, quistiona- if not- tomorrow" at first all he could hear was fragments of their conversation, though he could definitely tell the Docter was doing most of the talking, as they neared him he started to understand more

“Now tomorrow we can start testing-and don’t let that worry you, it won’t be anything all that hard- and then you may have to start having daily meetings to discuss how it could affect, I understand you’ve had much experience using it?”

“Well on and off, I never had much limited me” the girl answered, as she talked he felt a strange pulse through him, almost the same as when he used his power, but stronger looking down at his hands he saw they were glowing the familiar white-black that was the color of his power, after a moment it disappeared.

“Alright well, thank you for your cooperation and if you could come back in two days we will continue the testing phase,” the sound of footsteps going down the hall told him that Dr. Cedatrum was leaving, but only one set of footsteps, then the sound of the door, meant the girl was still there, in fact, unless she was far quieter then he thought possible, she hadn’t moved an inch, he sat in that exact position for close to an hour before he decided it wasn’t worth the wait

"well, well, I have to be honest, you did better than a majority of the clowns here"

the girl’s voice was taunting, but Alpine was sure he caught a hint of respect,

"eh," he said shrugging "most of them had very little experience before they got here"

she didn’t answer but simply took one last look at him, more like sizing him up to be entirely honest, and turned to walk down the hall.

What were she and the Docter talking about? Magnus thought suspiciously as he started on down the hall in the opposite direction.


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32 Reviews


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Mon Jun 21, 2021 12:10 am
TheWarriorMingan wrote a review...



Hello, MythMaster!

This chapter is pretty good, although I agree with what thepages said.

Another thing is you switch between calling Magnus 'Alpine' and 'Magnus'. This makes sense if other people are addressing him as so, but for you writing him as both names might make it a little confusing.

"Would operative seven, five A, please report to the sentient project observations department for his scheduled appointment"

Here, I think you should remove the commas. They don't quite fit in.
"well, well, I have to be honest, you did better than a majority of the clowns here"

the girl’s voice was taunting, but Alpine was sure he caught a hint of respect,

Here I would connect the two paragraphs instead of separating them.

By the way, in the last paragraph, you spelled 'doctor' wrong.

Overall, you did pretty well on this whole chapter. I would love to hear more of the characters' feelings and backstorys, and I'm getting excited about the next part!

-Truly, Mingan

Follow your heart, and nothing can go wrong. (concerning writing)




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33 Reviews


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Sat Jun 19, 2021 12:39 pm
thepages wrote a review...



hi....pages here :)
nice piece you've got here, i like magic and paranormal staff, to mix with the tech.
i find you should try developing your paragraphs a little more, you're over breaking them yet with little detail...for instance

"Would operative seven, five A, please report to the sentient project observations department for his("your") scheduled appointment" the loudspeaker blared and Alpine's head shot up from his sketchbook immediately hitting the shelf over top of his desk.
(here you could give him an expression, maybe "...top of his desk with a wild thud of discomfort, a snort escaped his curled lips as he rushed out of his room closing the door behind him with a telekinetic flick of his finger and bounding down the hall. Usually this kind of thing wouldn’t bother him but he’d been late for these appointments so much lately it was starting to get on his nerves.(how he managed to get late without over sleeping was one, amongst many instances that truly disturbed him...)

He slammed through the door, nearly hit(ing) one of the round control staff coming up to the dorms and then jumped straight of the stairs hit(ing) the ground in a roll, turned a corner, and blasted through the big double doors that led to the main courtyard.

across the double doors and the main part of the castle was a large ominous wall, actually, it was just the mountain continuing on past the ledge that Reichenbach castle was built on but everyone here called it 'the Wall' because it was such a sheer steep part of the mountain.

on the overview, the work is great, just a little more on the paragraphs. try joining them into complete blocks of imagination.
and i am liking the Alpine character, he must be onto something sometime in the future.

:) ;)






hiya pages, thanks for the review!

you made some good points ill definitely work on.

and I'm glad you like Magnus/Alpine




All we can do is our best, and hope that it was enough.
— CandyWizard