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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The Return of Magic: Part One Chapter Five: A new threat

by Europa


'Calemnvir, could you do an Aura Sweep for anyone magical?' Avalon asked the cat. 

'Does a dragon fly?' Calemnvir drawled sardonically. 

He hopped off Avalon's shoulder and gazed out into the crowd, the tip of his tail twitching. Ingred came to stand beside Avalon. "What's he doing?"  She murmured to him. 

"Have you ever heard of auras?" Avalon asked her.

Ingred nodded. 

"Well, Calemnvir can see them, and if you're magical your Aura looks lighter or darker in comparison to a normal person's"

"How do you know all this?"

"Beacause he told me." Avalon winced. he hadn't meant to say that. Ingred gave him a confused look.

"You can talk with your pet?"

"Don't let him hear you say that. He's not my pet, he's my freind. And he can talk, but only to me telepathically. It's a long story.

"It's a good thing I like a good story, then."

"Okay. Here it is in a nutshell. Calemnvir isn't really a cat, he's a demon prince. He got a bit on the wrong side of the law and came here to lie low. His demon  form would have attracted to much attention, so he changed into a cat. Unfortunately he made the mistake of changing form before he entered the portal. He's stuck as a cat."

Avalon shook his head a little. "You probably think I'm crazy don't you?"

Ingred smiled, brightening up the immedeate area. "You know, given the day so far, it doesn't even faze me." 

'I found something.' 

"Cal's found something." Avalon informed Ingred.

He went over and knelt by the cat. 'What do we have?'

'Two of them. Druids, I think. They're over by the fountain. I'd hurry if you want to catch them, there's someone else with a rather hostile aura approaching them.'

..................................................................................................................................................................

Iris and Adrin looked around as Avalon began to speak "Cal's found two Mages, but we have to hurry. Someone's stalking them."

without waiting for a reply Avalon turned and loped off into the crowd. 'Gees, what's with this guy?' Iris thought. 'He finished one thing, and right as he finds something else to do, off he dashes. He's like, The Late Rabbit or something.'  Iris dashed after Avalon and the rest of the group. Avalon had said someone was stalking those two mages, could it have been those Myth Hunters they had run into? Iris shuddered at the thought. The suggestion that she would run into those guys again sent chills down her spine.

...............................................................................................................................................................

"Xar!" Avalon cursed under his breath, sitting on the lip of the unnocupied fountain. Calemnvir winced a little. He knew his human guardian had no idea what the phrase meant, but in his native language, 

'Xar' Was a very nasty swear word. With considerable guilt, he noted that the only reason Lonnie even knew the word was that he, Calemnvir, prince of the demons and lord of chaos, had stooped so low as to use the word on several occasions. He really had to watch his language around these mortals. Calemnvir padded over to his freind, hopping gracefully up onto his lap. That was the upside to being a cat. He always looked amazing when he moved. So Lythe. So sleek. If only he wasn't so small...

Avalon had his head in his hands and Calemnvir wriggled his way in between them to look the boy in the eye. 'Giving up already, Lonnie? That isn't like you at all.'

Avalon sighed 'I know, Cal, but what else can we do? If they're not here, then they've probably been captured. And even if they did get away, how are we going to find them? We don't even know what they look like.' 

'Cheer up, Lonnie m'boy. We'll find them, trust me. I never forget an aura.'

Calemnvir hopped onto Avalon's shoulder. 'Now, stop being so negative, you bloody pesimist, and let's go Mage hunting.'

..................................................................................................................................................................

Avalon dashed across a crosswalk, turned several corners and when he finally stopped he was faced with--nothing. The group was standing in the middle of a nigh to deserted parking lot behind a resturaunt. 

'They're inside the building, Lonnie.' Calemnvir Said.

"They're inside. Come on." Avalon informed the others. 

When Avalon entered the resuraunt, he nearly had a panic attack. The place was completely packed with people. As his heart did a Buck-And-Wing dance in his chest, Avalon clutched the charm of his amulet and wondered, with the slightest bit of self pity, why Mages were never found in sensible, unpopulated places, like the Sahara desert. 

'The table at the back, nearest to the door. A girl in a red beanie and a boy with a guitar case on his back.' Calemnvir informed him. Avalon found them almost instantly. The girl was small and willowy, with wavy mousy brown hair, and steely blue eyes that also, oddly, sparkled with a quiet humor, as if she had just told a good joke. She wore a long tan coat 

('Not very sensible in this heat '.were Avalon's thoughts.) An olive green t-shirt, ratty jeans that were frayed around the cuffs, and a faded old red beanie. The boy was a good head taller than the girl, with the same grey-blue eyes as the girl and unruly brown hair with a distinctive cowlick on the side of his head. He looked a bit like a cowboy without a hat, with his navy blue shirt, loose fitting jeans, and broad leather belt buckled around his waist. he had a weathered looking old guitar case on his back that almost looked older than he was. He had a piercing in one ear, and the light playing off the clear gem of the earring was almost hypnotic. The boy looked noticed Avalon watching them and nudged his partner, who was inhaling a sandwich. She looked up, licking mayonaise off the corner of her mouth. Avalon quickly looked around for a place to sit, but all the tables were full besides the one the two kids were sitting at, no doubt they would just make a run for it if he tried to approach them now, he could see them whispering and glancing a the door from where he was standing. 

"I'll handle this one." Adrin whispered descretely in his ear. He straightened, and strode confedently over to the pair with a merry "Mind if I sit?" 

And Avalon melted back into the shadows.

..................................................................................................................................................................

"Mind if I sit?" Adrin beamed at the two teens. Siblings, judging by resemblace. The girl flashed him a friendly smile, but the older boy was watching him tensely, his pale blue eyes occasionally flicking to the back door where Avalon had been. Before her brother could say anything, his sister  said "Sure!" The boy shot her a look and she stuck her tongue out at him. Adrin seated himself in the seat across from the boy, who was still watching him warily. Adrin spotted the guitar on the boy's back and quickly said "So, do you perform around here?" 

The boy relaxed a little, but kept his guard up. "Yeah. Over at the fountain at the center of town. We're about to pack up and move to a different city, though." 

"Well, I'd be careful if I were you. There are a lot of bad people out there, especially for a person like you or me."

now, even the girl was getting tense. "What do you mean?"

"What else?" Adrin leaned in and spoke quiet enough for only them to hear "I mean Mages"

The boy half stood up "Who are you? What do you want?" The girl eyed him with guarded curiosity.

"How did you know?" She said, then she scowled "Your not one of them, are you. I have a guitar case and I'm not afraid to use it!" 

"Who. Are. You?" The boy demanded again, his eyes as hard as steel, glinting like a pair of very angry saphires. 

"I'm a Mage, like you and your sister. My name is Adrin, I want to help you."

Before her brother could stop her, the girl said "I'm Casey, this here is my brother Landon." Landon gave Casey another look, as if he was barely surpressing the urge to smack his sister upside the head.

"How?"  He said to Adrin.

"I know a place where you can literally drop off the radar. A hideout where magical people like us can lie low. The Guild. My brother--"

"You mean the dude with the cat who was staring at us like the grim reaper picking his victim?" Casey put in.

Adrin almost laughed at this accurate description of his brother. 

"Yep, that's the one. We are in charge of finding and rescuing Mages and bringing them to the Guild as safely as possible. Usually Mages don't survive long on their own, and we need as many of us as possible if magic is to be renewed. Please, come with us."

Landon glanced from him to his sister. "Are you sure this place is as safe as you say it is?" 

"Positive. And if you have any misgivings when you get there, no one will stop you from leaving."

Casey and Landon stared at each other for a while, consulting with each other silently. 

They turned back to Adrin. "Okay." Casey grinned.

..................................................................................................................................................................

Landon traipsed along a couple of steps behind the others, analyzing the group of five strangers. Casey was walking with Avalon, trying and failing to make conversation. Mostly the boy only answered his sister's questions with 'yes' or 'no' or other one word answers. He wasn't sure how to feel about Avalon, but the cat did kind of creep him out. It kept looking at him funny. The two girls, Ingred and Iris seemed okay, If not a little confused. They were obviously newer to magic than he and Casey were, though he had only become aware of his powers a few months ago. Adrin was the one Landon liked the most. He was friendly, seemed and honest, and looked capable of holding his own if it came to a fight, though he had told Landon he wasn't too fond of violence. Avalon lead the gaggle of teens down a stretch of sidewalk to a narrow alley. It looked almost exactly like the ones you would see in movies. Unpainted and dirty with bottles and broken glass spread across the ground. It looked out of place in the midst of the brightly colored stores and bright windows of the down center. But what really made it stick out were the pair of men adorned in violently red cloaks stationed at the entrance. People passing by looked over at the men with varying looks of amusement curiosity, or disgust.

Avalon hissed something in a bizzarre language that didn't sound like anything Landon had ever heard, and his cat buffeted the back of his head with a paw.

"What are they doing here? Do the Myth Hunters know about this place?" Landon questioned

"Only a few of the RedCloaks know about the Guild, and they can't get in without a magical key. Someone must have used this entrance while those two were watching. They'll be there a while, but they always give up after a night or so. We'll just have to find some place to shelter."

"Landon and I know a pretty decent place to stay." Casey piped up.

Avalon nodded. "Lead the way."

Landon knew the place his sister was talking about. They followed Casey across the street to a large Gazebo near the center of town. A mob of people were marvling at a fire spinner performing in front of it's steps, and the young Mages sat on the edge of the small structure and waited for night to fall.

As the sun began to sink below the horizon, the crowds thinned, stored closed, and soon the square was empty. The six kids settled down on the floor of the Gazebo, Adrin taking the first shift of watch, but Landon stayed on the steps, feeling the cool night wind blow in his face. Casey came to sit beside him. "Y'know, these guys aren't so bad." she whispered. Landon shrugged

"They're okay. The cat is kinda creepy though. So's his friend."

"Avalon's not creepy, he's just...akward sometimes."

"You can't date an emo guy, Casey."

Casey snorted and shoved her brother playfully. "You're not the boss of me!" she teased. 

Landon chuckled and Casey slowly stretched herself out on the floor of the gazebo. "G'night, Landon." She yawned. 

Landon laid down next to her and stretched out an arm for Casey to rest her head on on. He wrapped his other arm around her protectively. "Good Night, Casey." He whispered. soon, both siblings were sleeping deeply, taking comfort from their presence. 

..................................................................................................................................................................

Avalon was backed against a tree. It was the middle of the day and he was trapped in a thick forest, though he had no idea how he had gotten there. Calemnvir stood in front of him, his back arched aggressively, his face contorted in a snarl. The skin along his spine began to bulge and ripple grotesquely, until a pair of giant leathery bat wings burst from his back. His skin and fur melted away, replace by a swirling black substance that vaguely resembled scales. His face became more human, with a mouthful of fangs and pupilless yellow eyes. He stood up on his hind paws as he began growing taller. His front paws transforming into clawed humanoid hands, and his feet changing into talloned dragon paws. There Calemnvir stood in his full demonic glory. "Foolish human." He growled. His smooth voice had turned cold and raspy. "You thought you befreinded me? I only needed you and your Mages to regain my true form. And now that your friends have played their part, all they are is in the way. It is only you I need, Avalon. Your power could be useful to a lord of chaos such as myself."

"I'll never help you, Calemnvir!" Avalon growled.

"Oh? We'll see about that, little boy."

Calemnvir strode forward and grabbed Avalon's chin in one clawed hand. His empty eyes stared into his. Avalon could feel his friend forcing his way into his mind. "You belong to me, now." Calemnvir hissed.

Avalon's eyes snapped open and he sat bolt upright, breathing heavily. He wiped cold sweat from his forehead and cast a glance at his surroundings. I was nighttime, and he was sitting under the gazebo with Calemnvir, still a cat, snoring beside him. Around him, the others lay sleeping peacefully. He let his gaze linger on Ingred's sleeping form before he lay back down. He lay awake for hours, afraid to sleep, until he finally got up and crept over to Adrin. he tapped his shoulder. "I'll watch now. You sleep." 

Adrin regarded him with concern. "Are you sure? You only got a couple hours of sleep." 

Typical Adrin. Always with the little mother act.

"I'll be fine. Trust me." 

Adirn reluctantly stood and let his brother take his place. Avalon stared out at the darkened windows and extingushed lights of the quiet mall, trying to forget the terrible dream. But like a stray cat after scraps, the memory kept coming back. Maybe it had been some sort of warning. Was Calemnvir really using him? He had said he was just escaping the demons who were after him, but what if there was more to this than the demon was letting on. What if he really did try and possess him? Cal would never do that...Would he? Avalon shook his head, and concentrated on the square. He noticed a few shadowy figures skulking around in the street and he watched them carefully. They all were wearing robes. most of them black, but Avalon could see a few green and white ones in the mix. They were coming closer to the gazebo. Avalon tensed, and began looking around for escape routes. The figures began drawing weapons and Avalon leaped up and began shaking the others awake. "Wake up. We've got trouble." He whispered urgently to Landon and Casey. Calemnvir, woken by the commotion, stretched luxuriously before leaping onto his familiar perch on Avalon's shoulder.

'What is it now?' Cal murmured 

'Honestly, Calemnvir, I have no idea.'

'Oh, goody! Something new! I do hope I get to eat someone.' 

Avalon sincerely hoped the cat was joking. He bolted down the way he had come, the others right behind him.

"Don't let them escape!" Shouted a male voice. Soon the sounds of the robed strangers persuing them mingled with their own pounding footsteps. That voice...something about it tugged at the back of Avalon's mind. Where had he heard it before?...

Avalon fought the urge to look back as lightening bolts whizzed over his head and past his ears. 'so these people are Mages, I thought so.'  he thought. 'But why shoot at us? We're Mages too.'  The six kids raced across the crosswalk and into the empty parking lot. The group of hostile Mages skidded to a halt in front of them, blocking any means of escape. Avalon's heart sank into his shoes. They were going to have to fight, and there was no chance of any of them coming out alive.


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Mon Oct 05, 2015 10:18 pm
ParanormalMyth wrote a review...



Heya, TheFantasy14! Myth here for a review, as you can probably tell.

Ok. So, overall I liked this chapter. There's just a few things I'd like to point out.

Plot Things

Spoiler! :
"Okay. Here it is in a nutshell. Calemnvir isn't really a cat, he's a demon prince. He got a bit on the wrong side of the law and came here to lie low. His demon form would have attracted to much attention, so he changed into a cat. Unfortunately he made the mistake of changing form before he entered the portal. He's stuck as a cat."

Ok, so I get that you're wanting to add in this sub-plot. And it's a good one, don't get me wrong. I personally just found it odd that Avalon told Ingred so quickly, without even really considering how Cal may feel about her knowing, or how it could back-fire/etc. I think if maybe you added some of Avalon's thoughts that would get cleared up. :)

I'm not going to quote the whole dream, because that would be a tad crazy. My thoughts are pretty much the same as Lau's on it, though.

And the last part, the attack. I think it would have been nice to of seen how others of the group reacted as well, even if Avalon just noticed a facial expression.


Typos and Long Paragraphs

Spoiler! :
"Beacause he told me." Avalon winced. he hadn't meant to say that. Ingred gave him a confused look.

*because. Also, the second "he" at the beginning of the second sentence should be capitalized.

"Don't let him hear you say that. He's not my pet, he's my freind.

*friend

Ingred smiled, brightening up the immedeate area. "You know, given the day so far, it doesn't even faze me."

*immediate, I think

Ok. So the long lines of dots breaking up the chapter are a bit distracting, and I know that on my mobile device it can make reading complicated. Instead of those long lines of dots, I'd just center a "***" between sections. Kinda like this random example.
"And with that, Bob stormed out of the room.
***

Lisa stared out at the sea, wondering about Bob.


without waiting for a reply Avalon turned and loped off into the crowd.

Without needs to be capitalized since its the beginning of a sentence.

"Xar!" Avalon cursed under his breath, sitting on the lip of the unnocupied fountain

*Unoccupied

'They're inside the building, Lonnie.' Calemnvir Said.

Said doesn't need to be capitalized

he had a weathered looking old guitar case on his back that almost looked older than he was.

He needs to be capitalized since its the beginning of the sentence.

The boy looked noticed Avalon watching them and nudged his partner,

"Looked noticed" ? I don't think the "looked" is needed.

"I'll handle this one." Adrin whispered descretely in his ear. He straightened, and strode confedently over to the pair with a merry "Mind if I sit?"

*discreetly *confidently

now, even the girl was getting tense. "What do you mean?"

Now should be capitalized as it is the beginning of a sentence

Landon traipsed along a couple of steps behind the others, analyzing the group of five strangers. Casey was walking with Avalon, trying and failing to make conversation. Mostly the boy only answered his sister's questions with 'yes' or 'no' or other one word answers. He wasn't sure how to feel about Avalon, but the cat did kind of creep him out. It kept looking at him funny. The two girls, Ingred and Iris seemed okay, If not a little confused. They were obviously newer to magic than he and Casey were, though he had only become aware of his powers a few months ago. Adrin was the one Landon liked the most. He was friendly, seemed and honest, and looked capable of holding his own if it came to a fight, though he had told Landon he wasn't too fond of violence. Avalon lead the gaggle of teens down a stretch of sidewalk to a narrow alley. It looked almost exactly like the ones you would see in movies. Unpainted and dirty with bottles and broken glass spread across the ground. It looked out of place in the midst of the brightly colored stores and bright windows of the down center. But what really made it stick out were the pair of men adorned in violently red cloaks stationed at the entrance. People passing by looked over at the men with varying looks of amusement curiosity, or disgust.

This is a really long paragraph. I'd try to separate it, like this maybe~
Landon traipsed along a couple of steps behind the others, analyzing the group of five strangers. Casey was walking with Avalon, trying and failing to make conversation. Mostly the boy only answered his sister's questions with 'yes' or 'no' or other one word answers. He wasn't sure how to feel about Avalon, but the cat did kind of creep him out. It kept looking at him funny.

The two girls, Ingred and Iris seemed okay, If not a little confused. They were obviously newer to magic than he and Casey were, though he had only become aware of his powers a few months ago.

Adrin was the one Landon liked the most. He was friendly, seemed to be honest, and looked capable of holding his own if it came to a fight, though he had told Landon he wasn't too fond of violence.

Avalon lead the gaggle of teens down a stretch of sidewalk to a narrow alley. It looked almost exactly like the ones you would see in movies. Unpainted and dirty with bottles and broken glass spread across the ground. It looked out of place in the midst of the brightly colored stores and bright windows of the down center. But what really made it stick out were the pair of men adorned in violently red cloaks stationed at the entrance. People passing by looked over at the men with varying looks of amusement curiosity, or disgust.


"Avalon's not creepy, he's just...akward sometimes."

*awkward

"You thought you befreinded me?

*befriended

I was nighttime, and he was sitting under the gazebo with Calemnvir,

*It

Ok, I think that's all I noticed


Have a great day, and keep writing!
~Myth




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Mon Oct 05, 2015 8:19 pm
mcleodmadison says...



I was hooked from the first sentence.I like the the story I love that it is about magic.I am going to read more of your stories.Is this a series?




Europa says...


well, I'm not sure yet...probably.



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Mon Oct 05, 2015 8:19 pm
mcleodmadison says...



I was hooked from the first sentence.I like the the story I love that it is about magic.I am going to read more of your stories.Is this a series?




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Mon Oct 05, 2015 7:26 pm
Snoops wrote a review...



Lau here for a review! I really liked it and most parts were extremely funny, but I also wanted to read more.

Couple of things:

"without waiting for a reply Avalon turned and loped off into the crowd. 'Gees, what's with this guy?' Iris thought. 'He finished one thing, and right as he finds something elso to do, off he dashes. He's like, The Late Rabbit or something.' "

This is not a normal reaction. She should be scared or worried. Have loads of questions...and isn't she still hurt? Try to imagine if you were in this situation.

"Alli Scanned the crowd, huffing and out of breath. She couldn't see those freak kids anywhere. she groaned silently. She was not looking forward to reporting to Veridia."

Take this out. It's unnecessary and just breaks the reading trance you have going.

"You mean the dude with the cat who was staring at us like the grim reaper picking his victim?" Casey put in."

This was extremely funny. Just wanted to congratulate you on that.

"It was the middle of the day and he was trapped in a thick forest, though he had no idea how he had gotten there." I knew it was a dream the second I read the first sentence. Keep it fresh and add more details. Don't make it too obvious. Also, don't add this yet. Do it later in the plot too add more conflict. Right now an evil cat is something we can't handle yet....But if this is happening! Keep it a complete secret and no one will see it coming!


"Typical healer."

You can't stereotype a brother. You must know Adrin isn't a typical healer...he must have more aspects then just healer things. You could say Typical Adrin, always looking out for everyone. But this makes it sound like he's a stranger.


Overall, I liked it. The plot is going the right way, just slow it down. Also, add more description and character reactions to everything. The dots you have going on are distracting too, I would suggest taking those out.

Sorry this sounds harsh. I liked it a lot and can't wait to read more.




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Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
— Mark Twain