Ingred glanced over at Iris, who was looking a little unsure. "Avalon, are you sure about this?" She said dubiously.
"Of course I'm sure. Don't worry, teleportation was the first thing I learned. I've been doing it for years."
Ingred gave Iris a small smile. "We'll go together, okay?"
Iris nodded. The two sisters stepped into the portal. Upon entering, the Ingred and Iris found themselves floating ing in empty blackness. "Whoa..." Ingred whispered into the vast emptiness.
"So now what? How are we supposed to move around?" Iris asked.
"Shift your weight a little." Avalon's voice instructed behind them. Both girls jumped. Avalon and Adrin floated over to levitate next to them. "You can move around by shifting your weight in the direction you want to go. Try it."
Ingred leaned forward slightly, and shot forward. The other three mages followed behind her. Ingred put on another burst of speed, delighting in the thrill of weightlessness. All too soon, Ingred found herself hurtling out of the portal. Gravity suddenly returned and Ingred tumbled to the ground, banging her chin on the prickly mulch. Levering herself up onto her knees, Ingred looked around at the portal, but could only see the brightly colored garden. Suddenly, Iris hurtled out of thin air, and landed on top of her sister, knocking her back to the ground. A few passing pedestrians gave the girls curious looks, a few whispered things to each other, but they all kept walking. "Sorry." Iris apologized, climbing off her sister. "S'alright. I'll be fine." Ingred wheezed, standing and doing her best to brush the clinging mulch off her blouse. Iris stood as well, and the two waited for Adrin and Avalon. When they exited the portal, Ingred noticed that, unlike she and Iris, the twins had come out feet first. The brothers stumbled a few steps, but managed to keep their balance. Avalon glanced over at the shoulder where Calemnvir usually sat. He wasn't there. "Anyone seen--"
There was a feline screech and a blur of black fur as Calemnvir Shot out of the portal. Avalon lunged just in time to catch his companion. Calemnvir wriggled out of Avalon's arms, tottered over to the nearest bush, and proceeded to be sick all over its roots.
"Portal travel makes Cal airsick." Avalon explained with a sympathetic glance at the little cat.
Ingred gazed at the two twins. Avalon shot lightening. Avalon knew how to teleport. Avalon and his brother were just so...different.
'What have I gotten myself into?' Ingred thought. A glance at her sister told her she was thinking the same thing.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
A quick note on dialogue: When a character makes a statement, change the period to a comma before including the dialogue tag. On that note, if a dialogue tag starts with a common noun or a verb rather than a character’s name, it should start with a small letter, not a capital. This is true even if the dialogue itself ends with a question mark or an exclamation point instead of a period. (Periods are the only end-of-sentence punctuation that turn into commas when writing dialogue.) Two example sentences from your story:
So these sentences should look like this:
The only other note I have is about the very end. Now, admittedly I did not read the parts before this, so you might have addressed it earlier, but let us proceed as if you have not. During this part, the sister travel with and talk to Avalon, Adrin, and their cat as if they’ve known them for a while. It’s obvious they don’t know everything about them or their powers, but it seemed strange at the end that Ingred was thinking, “Wow, they can do weird magicky stuff…that makes it seem like they’re from another world! I wonder if they are?”
It’s just that this seems more the sort of thing she should think upon meeting them, rather than this far in. I mean, from the outset of this chapter, Iris and Ingred already seem aware of Avalon and Adrin’s magic (at least to some extent), as well as their own (in that they appear to be learning a bit of it). So it’s an odd spot for Ingred to suddenly wonder if these two are from another world. Even then – why another world? Why would she wonder if they’re from another world right off the bat rather than assuming they’re from Earth but wondering if there are others like them? I’m not saying that SHOULDN’T be what she wonders—I’m just saying that there should be a reason that that’s her question.
Although, as I said, you might have already covered this somewhere earlier on, in which case you can ignore that last bit.
BlueAfrica
Hey, Myth here for another review!
Ooh, I like this part one a lot. It leaves you wanting more.
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I think this would merge better if you merged it into one sentence instead of two. And example/suggestion is "Iris nodded and the two sisters stepped into the portal."
We've got a random "ing" floating around, haha.
"Levering" seems to be a odd word choice, at least to me. Though I unfortunately don't have any suggestions other than a boring old "lifting"
"shot" doesn't need to be capitalized
I *think* it's spelled "lightning"
Overall, this is great and I'm excited for more!
~Myth