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16+ Language Violence

The Horrors of Discovering: The Memory Chapter 1

by TheDepressedCat


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

I woke up in my bed that day. The day everything went wrong, and stayed that way.

That was two years ago.

I woke up happy, my life perfectly in place up until then. Getting out of bed, I put on a blue hoodie, jeans and white socks, before walking out of my bedroom and down to the living room combined with a kitchen. I said good morning to my sister, which I assumed was there in the room with me, but she didn't answer. It's not that she wasn't there, no, rather the fact that she was lying on the floor, a hole in her heart, a knife beside her, and blood splattered all over her clothes and the floor. Her light brown hair was lying on the floor, full of blood, and her green eyes was staring distantly at the ceiling.

I couldn't get a word out. I just stood there, watching my sister on the floor, hoping that someone would come out from somewhere and shout "Surprise!" or something, that it was some kind of sick joke they had all planned for my birthday, which by a horrible coincidence was on that day.

Nothing happened.

I stood there for two days straight, not eating, not sleeping, hardly blinking. All star, the song from the band called Smash Mouth, often rang in the room. The music was most likely coming from my phone, since that was my ringtone, but I made no attempt to pick it up. The song brought me into reality for a few seconds, making me overflow with emotion, but before I could manage to cry, reality slipped away, and I fell into the state of nothingness once again.

Why bother, what's the point?

I didn't even have to think it, it was just like it was written into my brain. It has been, ever since.

Then, someone finally came over to see how we were doing, since neither my sister or me had gone to school. It was my brother who came, who was two years younger than me, barely fifteen, and he witnessed me just standing there, staring at my dead sisters body, and not resurfacing from my dreamlike state when he was shaking me.

Screaming, crying, begging me to talk to him, hugging my sister, sobbing into her shoulder. An hour later, some part of me woke up and hugged him. He stayed there that night. I carried him into my bed, and we slept there togheter, hugging each other. I made him breakfast the next morning.

I gently picked my sister off the floor and carried her into her own bed, closed her eyes, bandaged her wound, and drew her blanket over her.

It looked like she was sleeping, like she had no worries. She probably didn't, not anymore at least. I went back down. Soft morning light came flooding through the windows as I cleaned up the blood and removed the knife. Then, putting on the best smile I could manage, I took his breakfast up to my room and woke him up.

"What am I doing here? What day is it?"

He didn't remember, and I wasn't going to tell him. I wanted to, but I couldn't. The words wouldn't come out.

"I had a horrible nightmare. Mia was dead, and you wouldn't talk to me."

I didn't answer, just smiled a faint smile, and gave him his food. I hugged him before I went down again, and he smiled back at me. I called my mom. The conversation went something like this:

"Summer here. Who's this?"

"She's dead."

"What? Keona, is that you? Who is dead? Are you okay?

"Mia."

She hung up. An hour later, I had sent my brother to school, telling him that I wasn't feeling well. Then my mother, running into the house, began yelling at me.

"Where is she? Where is Mia? WHERE IS SHE?" She began shaking me, and when I didn't answer, she ran upstairs, blasted open the door and screamed my sister's name. There was no response. "MIA! MIA! WAKE UP! MIA! MIA!"

Then, she stopped, her mind making a connection, a connection which was going to follow me forever. She came downstairs.

"You killed her. You killed her. YOU KILLED YOUR SISTER."

I couldn't speak. I didn't want to either. It was better for her to concentrate all her emotion in one place, I knew that. She began hitting, kicking, crying, screaming, destroying my house in the process. If this continued, she would kill me. I know she would have done that. She was so blinded by hate that she didn't see her own daughter. Instead, she saw a murderer. She was about to throw one of my plates on my head, when, right there, I made a choice. I somehow managed to kick her in the head, making her unconcious, and the plate falling down with her, smashing by the impact. I ran up to my room, took my backpack, packed a change of chlothes, my toothbrush, my hairbrush, some hairties, all my savings, and then ran to Mia's room. I took her money too. Then, as a final goodbye, I kissed her on the cheek, whispering into her ear that I love her. Then, I hurriedly put on my shoes, glanced one last time over the happy home it once was,

and ran.


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509 Reviews


Points: 5369
Reviews: 509

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Sun Apr 28, 2019 5:35 pm
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Magestorrow wrote a review...



Hi there, TheDepressedCat! I'm here to review your piece. Since this is the first review you're receiving from me, I'll give you a quick rundown on how my style of reviewing works. I start off with a section where I comment on individual lines and/or paragraphs of your story, and end with a section where I give my overall thoughts on the piece. If you're not looking for reactions or nitpicks, it might be best to skip to the ending section instead. :)

Small Comments


I woke up in my bed that day. The day everything went wrong, and stayed that way.

That was two years ago.


Great hook! The combination of the story's title and those first three lines really have me curious to see just what's going to go wrong.

I said good morning to my sister, which I assumed was there in the room with me, but she didn't answer. It's not that she wasn't there, no, rather the fact that she was lying on the floor, a hole in her heart, a knife beside her, and blood splattered all over her clothes and the floor. Her light brown hair was lying on the floor, full of blood, and her green eyes was staring distantly at the ceiling.


Oh no! I love how you add the action in right away, but I do have to feel bad for our poor protagonist - no one ever deserves to wake up to seeing their family dead on the ground.

I stood there for two days straight, not eating, not sleeping, hardly blinking.


I'm not sure this is medically possible, so you probably should do some research to check if it is. I'd highly suggest asking @StellaThomas over in The Character Clinic thread, since she's one of the people with the most medical expertise on the site.

Then, she stopped, her mind making a connection, a connection which was going to follow me forever. She came downstairs.

"You killed her. You killed her. YOU KILLED YOUR SISTER."


Oh, jeez. Poor protagonist! I definitely think her reaction to her sister's death can be explained through shock, but it doesn't seem like her mom would agree with that assessment.

Then, as a final goodbye, I kissed her on the cheek, whispering into her ear that I love her.


It makes me so sad to see how quickly everything has gone downhill for the protagonist. <3 She's still struggling to deal with her sister's death, and now she's suddenly on the run. I definitely don't envy her!

Overall Comments


The story has an interesting premise, but there's just a few little things that you need to tweak for it to be entirely realistic. I also have a question or two, so I'd love to find out the answers so I can give you more thoughts on the chapter. :)

Why is the protagonist living on her own with her sister? You mention that her brother is barely fifteen and is two years younger than her, which implies that she's either seventeen/eighteen. Is there a reason why she wouldn't still be living with her mom, since most teenagers that age still live with parents or guardians?

Also, I felt like the mom jumped to conclusions a little too quickly. There's no reason for her to think that the protagonist is the murderer without seeing the body, and the call to her mom came across as someone in desperate need of help trying to alert a family member to an emergency while still being in shock. If you want to make the scene more realistic, add some more details to explain it - maybe her clothes are covered in her sister's blood, maybe she found the murder weapon and has it out on the counter, or maybe even that she's suspicious that she didn't call 911 before calling her.

Whatever you chose, there's a lot of options to elaborate, and using some or all of them will make your story stronger as a whole. <3

But, besides those critiques, I really liked the beginning of this story! It sounds like it has the potential to be a really great thriller, with the protagonist trying to evade the law, her family and her sister's killer(s) as she tries to track them down and clear her name.

Good luck on your future chapters, and let me know if anything in this chapter didn't make sense!




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Thu Apr 18, 2019 2:05 pm
Sivershade797 wrote a review...



Hey @TheDepressedCat!

Ok, I'll start by saying that this is an awesome start! I was really intrigued by it, and I will definitely read the next part! So, about the review part....

You might want to add a little bit more description, like when she finds her sister. You just say that "she was lying on the floor, a hole in her heart and a knife beside her." It might sound gruesome, but you might want to add a little bit more of the gory details :). Maybe describe if there were objects littered across the floor, or if her [insert color] eyes were staring lifelessly at the ceiling.

The next part I'd like to talk about is this: "When finally someone came over to see if we were okay, since neither me or my sister had been to school, it was my brother, who was two years younger than me. He was fifteen, and he witnessed me just standing there, staring at my dead sisters body..."

I think you could change the wording a bit - maybe something like, "Finally, someone came over to see if we were all right, since neither my sister or I had been to school. It was my brother, [insert name, maybe?]. He was fifteen, two years younger than me, and he just witnessed me standing there, staring at my sister's dead body..."

About the next part, it was a bit confusing. You wrote "and not waking up when he was shaking me, screaming, crying, begging me to talk to him, hugging my sister, sobbing into her shoulder." It sounds a little bit like she was.... sleeping?

Ok, on to the next part:

"I made him breakfast the next morning, carrying her into her own bed, closing her eyes, bandaged her wound, and put her blanket over her."

It's a bit confusing because you start out the sentence talking about the brother, but then switch to talking about the sister. It's not really clear, and I had to go back and re-read that part before I got it. Maybe something like...

"The next morning, I made him breakfast. Before bringing it up to him, though, I carefully picked up my sister's body and headed upstairs to her room. I laid her in her bed, bandaged her wound, closed her eyes, and drew the blanket up over her."

That's not the greatest, but I think you get what I mean. Ok, for the final sentence, this is a really small thing, you said:

"Then, I put on my shoes,

and ran."

But it might be more dramatic if you said:

"Then I slipped on my shoes and took one last look at my house.

And ran."

So PLEASE do not take this review the wrong way - I really love your work, and please tell me if it sounded a bit harsh. Please tag me whenever the next chapter comes out, and I look forward to reading it!!

Your friend,
~Shade






Hi Shade! Thank you SO MUCH for reviewing! I changed and improved a few things as you suggested, so I hope you like it! It didn't come across as harsh at all, I love a good review. I'm honoured that you want me to tag you :)
Again, thank you so much!




Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
— George Eliot