Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Health

12+ Language Violence

The Horrors of Discovering (Prologue)

by TheDepressedCat

He hit me in the head. Then he hit me in the stomach, and then the face. Nothing can save me. I know that now. There is nothing I can do.

I just have to accept it.

But in this moment, everything seems so unfair.

Everything is gone. Forever lost, in the mystery of the universe.

Though I know I deserve it. For all the things I have done. I deserve it.

I'm worthless. I wish I was dead.

And maybe I'll get my wish in just a second.

No, I'm not that lucky.

Five seconds have gone, and they still haven't done it. Though they are still holding a gun to my head. I sit on the muddy ground, the cold slowly spreading through my body. 

The moon shining in the dark night doesn't help at all. It only makes the scene even scarier.

Everything is quiet. For a split second, I don't remember all the bad things that has happened. It's like a dream. A good dream.

But dreams fade at the end, and the moment is over.

I'm back to reality, and it sucks. In fact, that's an understatement. It's awful, terrible. It's hell.

I feel the blood on my face, rushing from my head tickling my nose and dropping into my mouth.

The taste of blood spreads in my mouth, and it tastes like I have a piece of metal in there, threatening to choke me. 

Or is that just because someone is holding around my neck?

I don't know. I think I'm going insane.

At that moment, I stopped thinking.

There was just no time to think.

One of them said something, and it seemed like the other agreed.

They put a bag over my face, hit me in the head once more, and everything went black.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
16 Reviews

Points: 478
Reviews: 16

Mon Nov 26, 2018 1:13 am
ThePenultimateGinger wrote a review...

Hey! So overall, great imagery, but there are some grammatical errors I'd suggest fixing:
First off, the "in" in "in this moment" would sound a whole lot smoother if it were to be changed to an "at" (just sounds way better, and grammatically correct. This is a super nit-picky thing, though.)
The "was" in "I wish I was dead" should be changed to a "were." (Subjunctive form is used in sentences expressing a wish, demand, or suggestion.)
In "For a split second, I don't remember all the bad things that has happened." The "has" should be switched out with "have," because it's in the past tense.
Altogether, a good start to a story, and I'm looking forward to seeing more!

Thank you for reviewing! And thank you for nitpicking.
I actually like when people nitpick, because then I know exactly what I need to change! Again, thanks!

No problem!

User avatar
75 Reviews

Points: 2709
Reviews: 75

Mon Nov 26, 2018 1:13 am
AlyTheBookworm wrote a review...

Hey DepressedCat! Here with a quick review.

This prologue is a bit short, so I won't have too much to say about plot/characters until your first chapter is out. I'll start with nit-picks and critique, then finish with what I liked about it.

First off, the only things that I think could be improved in this are the flow of a couple sentences and description.

I actually really like the mystery and the fact that you've only revealed enough information to catch the reader's attention, but I do think you should have at least a little sensory details and description of the setting. I like your descriptions of the metallic taste of blood, the feeling of blood tickling the main character's nose, and the silence, but you don't ever describe where exactly the character is. You could add just a few words to make this more clear by saying that the setting is a dark grove of trees- or that MC is lying on a cold tiled kitchen floor.

You could also add more detail by saying something like "the ropes dug into my wrists and I could feel the cold barrel of the gun on the back of my head". I'd maybe add in that they could hear the men cussing at them, and add a bit of their dialogue. You could reveal the main character's gender through the men's dialogue also, which would help give the reader a better picture of who this story is about.

That's the biggest thing I noticed about this prologue, so the rest of my critique is just nitpicks or small things that bothered me about specific sentences.

Other than the lack of sensory details, a couple of sentences and word choices stuck out to me. You use the word "taste" twice in the sentence "The taste of blood spreads in my mouth, and it tastes like I have a piece of metal in there, threatening to choke me", which messes with the flow of the writing. I'd change "tastes" to "feels" or just reword the sentence so that each noun/verb is only used once.

You also switch from present to past tense a couple times throughout the prologue, so you might want to go back and make sure the tense stays consistent.

There's one tiny typo in the sentence "For a split second, I don't remember all the bad things that has happened". I think you meant to write "have".

Now that's over with, here's some praise :)

Overall, I really liked this. It almost feels like something I'd write, since I love first person, a bit (okay, a lot) of angst, and putting focus on what the main character thinks and feels. I like how you immediately dive into the action instead of starting this story with an infodump. The lack of huge paragraphs and walls of text, as well as the exciting first line, is what caught my attention and made me keep reading.

Even without a ton of sensory details, you did a good job of drawing me into the story and making me interested in the situation. I like the mystery and have a ton of questions that I want to find the answers to- which is good. The fact that the main character feels they deserve the punishment and wants to die is intriguing to me as well.

Hope this helps, and good luck writing!

Thank you very much for reviewing! I don't think I'll add to much details, but I'll add some! I wrote most of it on my phone, as for the grammar errors, but I will change that too. Also, I meant for it to be short, and then in the first chapter I'll probably put in much details. Thanks!

User avatar
57 Reviews

Points: 548
Reviews: 57

Mon Nov 26, 2018 12:34 am
1nspire wrote a review...

The emotion in this piece was absolutely incredible. Your descriptions are perfect and really capture the theme. I wish there was something that I could critique, but this story is perfect just the way that it is. I would really like to read a prequel to this to see how the character got to this point. Amazing work on this story!

Thank you for reviewing!

Poems were like people. Some people you got right off the bat. Some people you just don't get - and never would get.
— Benjamin Alire Saenz, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe