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Young Writers Society



HOPE

by Tessitore


Dear... paper,

This is some of the first paper ever produced here. Paper has been scarce for nearly seven years. We only had what was left of the paper that my mother had brought down with her, which wasn t much to be distributed to over sixty people. And even though there was enough paper that many households possessed it, my mother would never have allowed me to waste it when I was so young. She did keep an account of my thoughts, however, what I told her and what I expressed to her while she was keeping the log. I don t know where it is now, but I would like to find out.

It s been seven long, long years down here. The first year, though hazy in my memory, was the worst one. We were still all traumatized by the experience that had occurred and we knew not what to do with ourselves. Those of us who had once gone to work and school and play now had nothing to do but huddle in the feeble light of the cavern and pray that maybe, a far cry from then, we would be able to rise again to the surface.

My mother was thought to be insane when she was living aboveground. She had spent her entire fortune, one not to be laughed at, in preparation for what she called the final war . No one believed her and even the men hired to build the underground fortress laughed at her silly ideas. But even though they laughed she told them that if anything happened they could come and be sheltered by her. She said she had room for only one hundred people, and to come quickly, but they still laughed. But years later they held her to her word. They showed up at her doorstep and now live here, among the others.

Mother predicted the final war with an accuracy that was amazing. She had told people that there was no way humans could survive without trying to kill off the entire species in one fell swoop. She was right. The control of nuclear weapons fell into the wrong hands and before anybody knew it there was a missile in the air and aimed at everyone.

People flocked to our doorstep. Not nearly as much as mother wished, for she had the sincere hope that she would be able to populate the entire cavern. The first thing she told everyone when they were all gathered was, Breed. We are only a few people and we must populate the earth again.

I smile now when I think of all the secrets that mother held. She had so many of them and she kept them all so well concealed. In the first year everyone, even me, her own daughter, was kept in the one Great Room, which was dusty and crowded, even with only sixty people. We did have five babies, though, however the one, Eve, died soon after birth. I feel I can still hear the mother s wails.

Anyway, all the while we were crowded in this one room, mother was working on nearly seven caverns that had been under construction when the bombs hit! Now, we all knew about the food storage room, and we knew there was a door that she went into now and then past that, but we had no idea the surprise in store. Good thing that the construction workers, electricians and scientists had kept her at her word, or we would have been stuck in that room for far longer than a year!

But when that door opened, oh, when that door opened! She led us all in with the pretense of going over some new rations, which she did once too often if you ask me, and then threw the doors open wide! Lo and behold houses. Proper homes. It looked like the suburb my mother had shown me pictures of, where she grew up, except that each house had such a large yard.

The first thing she did was explain that there were to be no fewer than three people per household and that everyone had to grow a specific crop. She had a lottery that day to who would grow what and give them their means of growing it, teaching everyone, so that we had nearly thirty different crops growing! My mother is a genius.

Our home is deep, the remnants of an underground cavern of some sort. The light is all artificial but no one seems to mind. The ceiling is tall enough that unless you look straight up you really forget that there isn t a great expanse of blue sky above you. I have heard people cry before, though, mourning over the loss of the sky.

Oh, I have to stop writing! My hand is so cramped! All my love and until tomorrow (chores),

~Hope~


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Thu Sep 03, 2020 7:10 am
mythh wrote a review...



Hey Tess, I'm Myth and I'll be reviewing this precious relic from seven months after I was born. So, let's get started without further ado. Feel comfortable to tell me if I've said something irrelevant or unnecessary.

I'd say that you've done a great job at portraying both a post-apocalyptic world and the mindset of the multitude after they've settled down and accepted their situation instead of worrying themselves. You've described mediocrity most effectively and that's definitely something to be acknowledged.

I'd compare this scenario to what happened in the story of Moses. It's quite similar. So, there's that. One thing I'd say you didn't do right was the development of the 'mother' and the relevance of the narrator to the story.

The transition from the mother being just something being talked about for her importance and her crazy ideas to her hopping right into the picture was too fast. You could have done this over the period of a few parts. Also, the narrator seems to be of no relevance as there's very little about her. It was just the narrator's opinion about her mother and there was very little about the bond they share and the daughter herself.

There were some instances like "I smile now when I think of all the secrets that Mother held" and "My mother is a genius" but they felt a little off and didn't have enough of a foundation though it showed how she looks at her mother.

I think that's all you have to work on for. I wonder if you'll ever read this, but if you do I'd be honoured to have helped you if I did so.

Yours sincerely,
Myth <3

__|_|__

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Sun Aug 12, 2007 11:51 pm
canislupis wrote a review...



I came upon this sotry by chance, and I have to say that I am glad I did. it is very attention gripping and exciting to read, and you had interesting ideas going. However, there is something about the way you are phrasing the sentences that kinda throws me off. I think you should try rearranging your commas, right now your sentences sound kind of lilting and choppy. also you need to do some editing so that you have more complete sentences. How old is the child supposed to be? if she, (I am assuming it is a she by the way she talked) is older then you need to rearrange the dialogue more so that it doesn't sound as though she is clueless and completely innocent. The last thing I have to say is that you should develop the characters a little more. The story is a little information droppy in the first bits, so maybe instead of her telling them about what the workers said, maybe you should have her describing a scene she remembered in which there is dialogue, just to make it more descriptive.
Other than my slightly mixed up and probably confusing crits, (I'm sorry about the unorganized representation of my thoughts) I like the way you came up with an idea and then presented it well, and there aren't very many major grammatical or spelling errors that I could find. Ok, I think I better stop now.




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Mon Jan 03, 2005 5:09 pm
nickelpickle wrote a review...



Very good! I didn't think that I was going to like it because I usually don't like Sci-Fi stories, but it was really good. I really like the first chapter. It was fast reading and easy to follow. I especially liked how the mother was thought to be crazy until everyone wanted to stay with her:)




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Sat Dec 11, 2004 1:18 am
Meshugenah wrote a review...



very intriguing! i cant' wati to read your next post! i agree, the way you mention Mragret and then explain where she is from is a good techinique (or is it style? lol) i like the first paragraph, but it could be a little shorter. if paper is scarce, wouldn't it make more sense if he didn't go on abotu that bit? he would want to keep everything very concise ( but as an author, you want to add detail, so i would say this is a very thin line... )

other then that, keep up the good work!




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Tue Nov 30, 2004 4:39 pm
WinterGrimm wrote a review...



Okay. There's a few things I have to mention first off.
First paragraph: The word paper is in that first paragraph like four or five times. The fact that paper is scarce but she feels validated in writing a journel can be summed up in one sentence. It seems that you are saying the same thing three times. Pick the decription you like best and use that.

Another thing I noticed is that in the second chapter she sees a movie. I'd like to know how they got a movie theater working again. Now in this great war I assume is nuclear. But in any case there would be wreckage, dead bodies, and most likely a distinct lack of power. In The Stand by Stephen King there are litterally hundreds of pages just talking about bringing back power to Boulder and rebuilding the local movie theater. Now I'm not saying you have to go into that amount of detail at all considering that the narrative style is totally different and you shouldn't try to rewrite The Stand. But some details about how the world works and how people worked to get power online. I'd also like to know is this the first movie she's ever seen? How often do they get to see movies? and what does this mean to them? I mean at this point it could either be a trivial as it is to us or almost a religious ritual, depending on the direction you want to go.

Another thing is that I'd like to know more about her friends and community. Do they still live in the caves or have the moved into a city? I'd like to see some journel entries on her neighbors and who she likes and who she is bugged by. There's always a creepy/mean/weird neighbor or something. Make it your story, make it personal, and show the life of this community and the details of the setting.

But seriously this story is good already and can be far more awesome. Just check for passive voice (and make sure that's the way you want to say it.). I didn't see any glaring typos or grammar errors but I did a quick read and might have missed them. (I'm better at critiquing for contenet). Please keep writing this because I am rather impressed and I want to know what happens next.




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Sun Nov 21, 2004 3:38 am
Elelel wrote a review...



I really like this! It has a subtle way of suggesting things, like IC said. I like it how it mentions Margaret in the beginning, without telling us she was from that other cavern, and then we found out later... I really, really, really like it! It's intriguing... keep writing! :D




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Sat Nov 20, 2004 7:13 pm
iced.cappuchino wrote a review...



Hehe, I couldn't help but look all over for it when you mentioned it in the Lounge. ^^

I read it, and it is amazing. ^^ I like the subtle way you draw our attention to the difficulties of maintaining the cavern, the troubles between Hope and her mother, the veiled accusation of the mother being selfish. It hints at future conflicts, just enough for the reader to feel uncomfortable, but drawing them in at the same time.

Hoho, I can't wait for the next chapter. ^^




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Sat Nov 20, 2004 3:52 am
Tessitore says...



Nate: Thanks for the review, I'm glad it's liked. It's been getting good comments on this story. Kind of surprises me, since it was only a half-hearted thing. I do have more chapters, but I didn't want to post something too long as my first story. So, without further adieu, I present you with the second chapter. Looks like I'm going to have to keep writing this...

**********

Back again, my little diary, my papers,

It s two days since I last wrote since I was with my friend Margaret all yesterday. Mother decided to play one of my favorite movies to celebrate my 17th birthday. It was a movie about the American civil war and how people were affected afterwards. It s called Gone With The Wind and it s not only my favorite, but many peoples favorite. Mother said that it was a very popular movie and a very popular book before the movie. She was silent, then. Mother mourned the loss of so many books, even with her grand library, and Gone With The Wind is one of those books that she doesn t have. She hopes in forty three years, when we rise to the surface again, there may be a copy still intact, somewhere.

I don t remind her that she will most likely not be alive to read it again. She, and I, don t want to think of such things.

I caught her crying only last week, surrounded by small glossy photographs of the ocean. I went to the ocean when I was little but can t remember it that much. She spent nearly her whole life by the ocean and she misses it immensely.

Construction of the caverns ended only last year with the finishing touches on mothers last project, the movie theater. We hardly saw movies before she opened it up. A movie plays every three days from mother s warehouse of movies. She claims she has nearly three thousand reels of film, though she is the only one to dare go in there. The air circulation doesn t reach to the warehouse; it would be a waist of energy to circulate air into something that we don t often use, so she has to wear a heavy oxygen tank on her back. She usually brings about ten to fifteen movies out at a time so she doesn t have to go in there that often.

Sometimes I m sad that mother and I don t have the relationship that many of my friends and their mothers have with each other. Papa died when I was eight years old when he was caught in the crossfire of a drive-by shooting. Mother had locked herself in her room for nearly a week but came out with a fierce determination to finish the project they had both started; our home, our cavern. But she has been so immersed in it these last nine years that she was only my true mother when she came home, exhausted. It was usually I that put her to bed.

Now she s busy with keeping our community in order. Sometimes neighbors will get into friendly disputes which will turn into full-out rivalry and sometimes they re even violent towards each other. It s mother s job to keep people from resorting to violence and to keep the peace wherever possible. With a little over ninety people, it s a job that is actually quite taxing. Unlike the large cities you can t just avoid someone around here. Everyone knows everyone else.

Mother also has to make sure that the air circulation is constantly working, that the lights are used in moderation, that the crops are going to their best and, lately, to keep peace with the second cavern.

Yes, the second. Mother had kept this secret, I hope it s her last one, that she had not spent her entire fortune on just this one cavern. She had given two of her closest friends enough money and the means to build their own caverns. Only two months ago we all realized this, that there are two others just like us, as we made contact with the first.

Mother had been tunneling, carefully, with her team of construction workers, towards the coordinates of the other cavern. She claimed she kept this tunnel secret because she wasn t sure if there was any excess radiation and didn t want to put anyone in jeopardy. I knew she was lying because she had those construction workers with her. She would never have endangered them if she thought there was anything wrong with the radiation. She just wanted to make the first contact with the friends she hadn t seen in nearly seven years. Sometimes, even though she did all these great things for us, I think she s the most selfish of us all.

The tunnel, which is now tall enough for the rest of us to go through, is nearly three miles long. It ended up that the other cavern was tunneling towards us, too, and so, a ways past the first mile, my mother caught movement on her censor and a wall of dirt to her right crumbled. Through that hole, when the dust cleared, was her beloved friend.

He was our guest of honor that night at a celebration banquet. He told us great news, too. He had nearly fifty people in his own cavern! Mother winked at me and I knew something was up, but of course I didn t know about it until the next day. That day everyone from our cavern, except the elderly and those who would not travel, took the three mile walk (the longest I ve been on for a while!) to the second cavern.

My best friend from elementary school, Margaret, ran towards me and hugged me so hard I could barely draw a breath. Margaret! I hadn t seen her in so long but she still had the characteristics I remembered. She had the same curly brown hair, longer now, and the same caramel skin with the sprinkling of freckles across her button nose. She and I looked so different she was nearly a head taller than me!

But she pulls on my sleeve now as I write. A new movie is playing in a few minutes and she wishes to see it. Poor Margaret she didn t have the luxury we have in our cavern at hers. She hadn t seen a movie as long as we were down here! God, I hope that we never loose each other again!

~Hope~




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Fri Nov 19, 2004 9:56 pm
Nate wrote a review...



I thought it was great! I love post-apocylytpic stories like this, and it really held my attention all the way through, which unfortunately most post-apocylyptic stories don't do.

The way you open it up is perfect; you grabbed my attention right away with the thing about paper being scarce and then you used that to describe how it all came to be. Nor did it seem hokey since you get the feeling the character is writing this down as a history. Indeed, the style you chose works out great since any other would have seemed, well, stupid.

The only issue I had with it was at one point when you say:
"My mother was thought to be insane when she was living aboveground. "
I get what you mean by this, but it's a bit confusing. While I was reading, I had to stop and think it about it before I realized what you were saying. Not sure how you can fix it; you may just want to change "when she was living aboveground" to something like "by her neighbors."

One more thing I liked; this seems like a modern day Noah's Ark. You just changed the situation around, and the ark to a cavern, but I like the parallel. It'd be really neat if you turned this into a series.

JUST one more thing... I'm going to put this under the science-fiction section since it fits in more there.




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Thu Nov 18, 2004 6:05 am
Tessitore says...



Sure. Edit, opinions. Throw it all at me, I don't mind a bit.




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Thu Nov 18, 2004 5:50 am
ZZAP says...



What do you want me to do? Shall I edit it?

-Z





Most people ignore most poetry because most poetry ignores most people.
— Adrian Mitchell