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Young Writers Society



Voodoo (Prologue)

by Tere5350


"Who do want to put a spell on? A lover?"

Dae shook her head.

"An enemy?"

Again she shook her head.

"Who then?"

Dae nudged her friend, Arya, who was staring wide eyed at the scarecrow-like figure in front of them.

"Huh?" she asked, turning to Dae with a confused look.

Dae gave her a hard stare as if trying to communicate through telepathy. Of course, they weren't telepathic but they had been with each other long enough to understand one another through their eyes. Fortunately Arya's mind wasn't too clouded by fear and she was able to decipher her best friend's expression.

"Oh, erm...I think we must get going," Arya whispered, "We need to get to our classes."

The two girls slowly got up, but the old lady slammed her palm against the wooden floor, causing them to sit back down quicker than they had gotten up. Dae quickly grabbed Arya's hand and both of them scooted closer to each other for comfort.

"Do you girls take me as a joke?" she inquired in a cold, dry voice.

Dae could tell the woman had never brushed her teeth for years. Either that or she was using the wrong toothpaste this morning, for her mouth smelled like dead rats.

"I knew coming here was a bad decision," Arya whimpered, clutching Dae's hand.

"On the bright side, we're still alive," Dae breathed.

For the first time since they were here, Dae felt scared. Everything was so dark eventhough the walls were made entirely of palm tree leaves, and the only source of light was the six candles burning slowly in front of them.

Dae could now noticed the eerie darkness of the room, the dead silence inside the house that was thick enough to block the noise from outside, and the sick, sweet smell of incense burning in front of them. Smoke from the incense drifted towards her nose and she waved it away slowly.

When it cleared up, Dae found herself staring into the face of the woman in front of her.

She was no less than eighty years old. Her skin appeared similar to her essay paper that Dae had printed out, spilled coffee all over it, and left it to dry in the sun for too long. It was wrinkled and dry in the ugliest sort of way. The woman's eyes were the only thing that appeared to be alive, just a pair of shining coals trapping the girls with their unwavering stare.

"It's true, we have classes," Dae replied in a whisper, slowly scooting away from the woman and dragging Arya with her, "So if you'll excuse us..."

"You have no sense of respect whatsoever," the woman sneered, "the leaf never seem to fall far from the tree."

Dae wasn't listening any longer. Luckily, the cottage was small, so it only took the girls a moment to scoot to the door and opened it.

"I'm sorry," Dae said again before opening the door in a flash and hopped off, skipping all the steps of the wooden stairs. Luckily enough there were only six steps. Arya came tumbling after her, but unfortunately she managed to fall right on top of the last two stair steps and tumbled onto the ground, crushing her toe and pride.

"Argh! Fuuuuck!" Arya screamed, but Dae got no time to listen to complaints. The spell caster's cottage was quite far away from the road, meaning they were probably the only ones wandering around the area. She grabbed Arya's hand and pulled her friend into a run.

Back inside the cottage, the spell caster was still adjusting to the bright lights coming through the door.

Stupid girls, they even forgot to close the door before they left, she thought angrily as she squinted from under the shade of her arm. With a flick of her wrist, the door immediately swung shut, cutting off all lights from outside.

"The leaf never falls far from the tree," she muttered, slowly picking up a voodoo doll and examined it with care. She could feel energy evaporating off the small figure and the smell of innocence and purity drifted up her nostrils and heightened all of her senses. Even her sixth sense.

"Young girls nowadays...if they didn't cone here for love what else could they come for?" she muttered, picking up a needle and began tracing it all over the doll's chest. The spell caster smiled as her needle came into a stop at where the heart was supposed to be. She closed her eyes and started muttering a few words before opening them back again and stared at the other doll lying on the mat. It had been lying there for two weeks now, trapped under the pressure of several pins. The harm had been done, but it didn't mean it would stop.

And she just found out another way to prolong the suffering of her previous victim. The two girls were both young and pretty but one girl in particular stood out to her. The spell caster had unsolved issues with that girl's grandfather and had been seeking revenge ever since. She hadn't expect her source of revenge to walk right into her hands. Fate really had a unique way of toying with human lives.

"This will be interesting," she cackled with glee as the wind picked up from nowhere and blew away the dust gathered from the burning of the incense into the metal cup next to the wall. With a greedy look, she plunged the needle straight into the doll's chest.


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158 Reviews


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Reviews: 158

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Thu Apr 23, 2020 7:38 pm
Hkumar wrote a review...



Hi @Tere5350!

The title of the novel caught my eye, I got some good feelings about this one so I decided to start your story and I must say I wasn't wrong. I loved this intro to your novel. It was really interesting and you kept me engaged.
You even put some funny descriptions and sarcastic remarks in the story that were a joy to read. I am very curious to know more about the girls in the coming chapters.

She was no less than eighty years old. Her skin appeared similar to her essay paper that Dae had printed out, spilled coffee all over it, and left it to dry in the sun for too long. It was wrinkled and dry in the ugliest sort of way. The woman's eyes were the only thing that appeared to be alive, just a pair of shining coals trapping the girls with their unwavering stare.

Haha, this was a really nice and funny way of describing about that old woman. Though I am getting some strange feelings about this woman, she's kind of scary especially when that voodoo doll part came. Black magic can take dark forms and I wonder what these girls have gotten themselves into.
"Stupid girls, they even forgot to close the door before they left," she thought angrily as she squinted from under the shade of her arm. With a flick of her wrist, the door immediately swung shut, cutting off all lights from outside.

You missed putting quotes here.
Also in the very beginning,
"Who do want to put a spell on? A lover?"

This sentence is so odd. May be write it as "Whom do you want to put a spell on?" You would not want your readers to find a grammatical mistake in the very first sentence.
There were some other typos but those were covered in the previous reviews so I won't mention them again.
Overall, I enjoyed this story and will move on to the next chapter soon. Great work.
Keep writing :)




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48 Reviews


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Reviews: 48

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Wed Feb 05, 2020 4:37 am
AndName wrote a review...



Hi!

This is really intriguing! I love how you opened with the girls sitting in the woman's cottage. I was wondering what they were doing there since it didn't seem they wanted to be within a mile of that place. How did they get there? What did they intend to ask, if anything? Their classes and the ordinary world against the rough cottage is a stark contrast. How can two worlds so drastically different be down the road from each other? And how did the girls find out about the woman? All very interesting! Also, the sinister twist at the end from the woman's POV, describing her voodoo dolls and intentions kind of makes you fear for the girls. Because it sounds like the woman isn't even human.

Okay, enough with the questions, I do have a few things to point out. You opened with the girls, their names, the cottage, and the woman, but not the girls. I thought they were twins, not friends, until about halfway through. Usually, with 3rd person you describe them as if they're on the TV, but while also getting into their head. Also, the part with the smoke clearing so they can see the woman's ugly face is a bit odd. Before that you describe the woman's smile in detail, so it seems like all but her smile has been covered in the smoke which is...a funny picture. But she is a spell caster. So i guess she can do whatever she wants with the smoke.

I really like this so far and am curious what the woman's going to do about her grudge. And i'm a bit nervous about what the heck she was doing with that needle. Considering she picked it up RIGHT after the girls left. Yikes.

Overall, great start. It starts off with a big enough bang and enough questions to grow on, as all good stories have to have. Good luck!
(And sorry if this review leaves you with any insecurities about the story. I definitely do NOT mean it like that)

AndName




Tere5350 says...


I agree that the description is a bit odd because I'm still struggling to translate those pictures in my head into pictures. I appreciate the review!



AndName says...


Hi!
I can most definitely relate. Sometimes it's impossible to put to paper a image from your head, no matter how much you've written. So frustrating!



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Tue Feb 04, 2020 6:47 pm
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writerkitty wrote a review...



Hellooo! Writerkitty here with a review for ya! ^-^

First off, I must say, this was quite an intro... and it turned dark and creepy really quick. Initially, I thought those two girls were scared for nothing. (well, except for the old lady's extremely creepy appearance...you've described her quite well by the way)

But boy I was wrong...the ending gave me goosebumps, she really is a super creepy spell-caster. You ended the prologue at the best moment... It really intrigues me to know what happens next.

I'm also really curious to know how Dae and her friend ended up in that in the first place.
Well, what I do know is that it was Dae's idea,

"I knew coming here was a bad decision," Arya whimpered, clutching Dae's hand.

"On the bright side, we're still alive," Dae breathed.


Also, another thing I'm really curious to know is, what Dae and Arya are seeking....the ending kinda hinted that it might be related to something she desires; like love, because the creepy lady stopped at the doll's heart...but then again she could be just going full evil and made the poor girl have a heart attack. o.o

Either way, I'm really looking forward to read the next chapter! :D

And she just found out another way to prolong the suffering of her previous victim. The two girls were both young and pretty but one girl in particular stood out to her. The spell caster had unsolved issues with that girl's grandfather and had been seeking revenge ever since. She hadn't expect her source of revenge to walk right into her hands. Fate really had a unique way of toying with human lives.


I think she's talking about Dae here...but I can't really confirm it. However, I feel really sorry for those two, going into that cottage was a real big mistake it seems.
Fate really had toyed with them...in a really, really bad way.

I wonder whether we'd get to learn more about what happened between the girl's grandfather and the witch to make her so eager to seek revenge from him...hmm... It'd be quite interesting to know later on. ^-^

:D Another great thing I've noticed about your writing is your descriptions!

She was no less than eighty years old. Her skin appeared similar to her essay paper that Dae had printed out, spilled coffee all over it, and left it to dry in the sun for too long. It was wrinkled and dry in the ugliest sort of way. The woman's eyes were the only thing that appeared to be alive, just a pair of shining coals trapping the girls with their unwavering stare.


I just love how you've described the old lady here. Usually, long descriptions are kinda boring to read and it draws the reader's attention from the story, but your descriptions are both funny and really interesting to read! ^-^ Good job on that!

^-^ Onto the suggestions and nit-picks!

Everything was so dark eventhough the walls were made entirely of palm tree leaves, and the only source of light was the six candles burning slowly in front of them.


A space is missing between the words 'even though'

Dae could now noticed the eerie darkness of the room, the dead silence inside the house that was thick enough to block the noise from outside, and the sick, sweet smell of incense burning in front of them.


'noticed' should be changed to present tense.

"Young girls nowadays...if they didn't cone here for love what else could they come for?"


I think you meant 'come'

The spell caster had unsolved issues with that girl's grandfather and had been seeking revenge ever since.


I think spellcaster is usually written as a single word ^-^

She hadn't expect her source of revenge to walk right into her hands. Fate really had a unique way of toying with human lives.


I think 'expect' should be written in part participle to fit the sentence.


^-^YOur writing is pretty neat! All the errors I've pointed out are mostly just typos, so it's not a big issue. Overall, this was a really great prologue and I'm really excited to read the rest! :D

Keep writing!
Have a great day/night!

writerkitty




Tere5350 says...


Thank you for the review, especially for pointing out those small mistakes. I plan to reveal the answers to your questions further on in the story.



writerkitty says...


You're welcome! ^-^




I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.
— Pablo Neruda